(A sorority full of girls calls in with one girl as the primary contact, unable to connect to their wireless router. First, as I’m verifying the address:)

Customer: *…[digit], [digit], [digit], one slash two.”

Me: “So that’s [full number] and a half.”

Customer: “NO, one slash two.”

(Later on while troubleshooting:)

Me: “So how many devices are you trying to connect wirelessly?”

Customer: “Well, we have seven or eight devices total, but only two are ‘wirelessly.’ The rest use the wifi.”

Me: “…”

(I provide a replacement business cell phone for a user who misplaced hers. During the delivery process of the new phone I ask:)

Me: “Have you been able to find the original phone?”

Caller: “I’ve looked in every room except the one I think it’s actually in.”

(I’ve always had trouble with people mishearing my name “Lawrence” on the phone, even getting mistaken with my dad’s one-syllable name when I was at home. In my job, fewer than half of our callers get it right the first time. I try to politely correct them where I can as we are a small company and I’ll likely deal with them frequently by phone and email.)

Me: “Good morning, [Company]. Lawrence speaking. How may I help?”

Customer: “Hi, Aaron, I—”

Me: “Sorry, it’s ‘Lawrence.'”

Customer: “Sorry, Florence—”

Me: “Lawrence.”

Customer: “…Warren?”

Me: “LLLaaaawrrreeeennnnsss”

Customer: “Terrence, I’m so sorry—”

Me: “Lawrence of Arabia.”

Customer: *laughing* “Lawrence! Got it. I’ll remember that. You must think I’m so thick.”

Me: “Well, you didn’t try ‘Tony’ like the last guy…”

(I’m second-line support and for most of the day, I’m calling customers back to deal with things first-line can’t. After 5 pm, if it’s busy we help first-line out and take incoming calls, partly because our calls are often long, partly because most of our customers close at 5 pm and are unlikely to be there. I am taking a troublesome call that goes past 5:30, and my boss is standing behind me, wanting to close up so he can collect his kids.)

Caller: “Look, I know how this works. Nobody on first-line knows anything. You’re just trying to get rid of me because it’s past 5:30!”

Me: “Well, the most senior of the 2nd-line technicians are still here. Would you like to talk to them?”

Caller: “Yes! Finally. Put him on.”

Me: “Okay her name’s [My Name]. I’ll just get her.”

(I put him on hold for two seconds, pick up again, repeat what I’d told him to do without even asking about the problem, and he goes away happy.)

Boss: “I wish I could be surprised that worked.”

Me: “You will need to be connected to Wi-Fi in order for this to work properly.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m connected. What next?”

Me: “Once connected, you will need to go to the settings options and click on ‘Back Up’ now.”

Customer: “Okay, I pressed it and now I see a progress bar at the bottom.”

Me: “That’s great! That means it is backing up. Please let me know once it is done.”

(15 minutes later:)

Customer: “Sorry it is taking so long. It seems to be stuck in the middle.”

Me: “It’s fine! It can take a while sometimes.”

Customer: “Should I be connect to Wi-Fi for this?”

Me: “Yes, I had mentioned at the very beginning that you would need to be connected to Wi-Fi for this to work correctly. Do you know if you have it on?”

Customer: “Not sure how to turn it on.”

(I instruct the customer on how to turn it on.)

Me: “Do you see the name of your home Wi-Fi Network listed?”

Customer: “How do I know what the name of my network is?”

Me: “You would need to contact your Internet Service provider for that information.”

Customer: “Will they be able to tell me if I have Wi-Fi?”

(I’m literally about to lose my s*** at this point.)

Me: “So you are not even sure if you have Wi-Fi?”

Customer: “No… I’m sorry, but I’m not very tech savvy…”