(I am a trainer for an internal helpdesk. We have several new employees, and one of them is currently sitting with me while I show her how to handle our calls. She is older, and has commented several times that I say the weirdest things.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “Well, you’re doing really well so far, so let’s see. The meaning of life?”

Me: “Well, as far as I understand, the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42.”

Caller: “You would be surprised how many people don’t know that.”

Me: “Those people probably also don’t know where their towel is, and that’s a shame.”

Caller: *cracks up laughing*

Trainee: “…”

(I’m on the phone with tech support.)

Me: “So tell me what to do, please.”

Tech: “First, press the star key.”

Me: “Okay, I did that, but nothing happened.”

Tech: “Please tell me, how did you press the star key?”

Me: *deadpan* “With my thumb.”

(Overheard at work:)

Coworker: “Your latency is because an earthquake severed an underwater cable. You’re currently being routed around the longer side of the fiber ring. And unfortunately, it will be weeks before a ship can run a new cable.”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry. Did you just ask me for advanced notice of service-impacting earthquakes?”

Related:
Demanding To A Fault(line)

This story is part of our Earthquake roundup!

Read the next Earthquake roundup story!

Read the Earthquake roundup!

(I used to do overnight cell phone tech support for a major provider. As I worked on the prepaid side, we tended to get weird or unreasonable customers on a consistent basis, especially late at night. The customer I’ve been working with in this story, however, has been completely calm and reasonable throughout our call. Also note that I have only heard him during the entire call, nobody else.)

Me: “Well, if there’s nothing else I can do to assist you tonight I just want to thank you for being the best part of [Company]. Again, my name is [My Name] and I hope you have a great rest of your night!”

Customer: “Thanks, you too! Good night.”

(At this point the line goes quiet but is still connected. Assuming he either thinks he hung up or is waiting for me to do so, I reach for the release button.)

Customer: “WHAT THE F*** WERE YOU THINKING?!”

(I jump, but realize that he’s not talking to me. For the first time I hear someone muttering to him in the background.)

Customer: “Why the f*** did you think it was a good idea to say ‘heroin’ while I was on a call? What the f*** are you going to do if I go back to jail, huh?!”

(At that point I released the call, hoping the customer didn’t realize we were still connected and the only person I heard talking about illegal narcotics was him.)

(I work in IT in the Netherlands. An end-user files a complaint.)

End-User: “My PC won’t start. Just gives me an error message.”

Me: “Okay, which one of the 100,000 errors do you get?”

End-User: “I don’t know.”

Me: “It isn’t written in Arabic or old-Mesopotamian, so what does the error message say?”

End-User: “It’s a bunch of white characters on a black background.”

Me: “And what does it say?”

End-User: “I don’t know. I don’t know how to read this.”

Me: “So you’re telling me that you don’t know how to read?”

End-User: “YES. Come and fix it.”

(The end-user is a teacher.)