(We remote to users’ computers to assist them with issues and resolve them. Sometimes certain issues are from the outside of the computer, so remoting to them is pointless and we just explain them how to troubleshoot.)

Customer: “How do I reduce my monitor’s brightness?”

Me: “Do you see a menu button on your monitor? It can be anywhere on the bottom, top, or sides.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “What is the model of the monitor? It should say the model on the back of the monitor.”

(The customer then tells me the model and then says:)

Customer: “I have pressed a button on the right and it showed the brightness level.”

Me: “Are there other buttons, with arrows next to that button?”

Customer: “Right now it’s at 85, but I don’t see any button or arrows to control it.”

Me: “One minute. I will try to find a manual for your monitor.”

(I find a manual of the monitor and the menu button and the arrow buttons to select are very well shown on the monitor.)

Customer: “You may connect to my PC to see what I mean.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I will not be able to see the buttons on your monitor as they are on the outside. If you look on the bottom right corner of your monitor, do you see the power button with the menu button?”

Customer: “But you can see my screen when you connect to me, can’t you?”

Me: “I can see your desktop, but I don’t have access to the menu buttons on your monitor. If you look on the bottom right corner of your monitor, you will see the menu button with the arrow buttons.”

Customer: “That’s fine if you can’t connect. I thought it might help you to see how it looks when I bring the brightness level on the screen.”

Me: “It won’t. When I connect to your computer, I see your computer using my own monitor. I will not be able to see the menu options of yours and your brightness level will not affect mine… Now, do you see the button on top of the power button?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Do you see the arrows?”

Customer: “Oh… thank you so much! I figured it out now. Bye!”

(I work technical support at a company’s internal help desk. For submitted tickets requiring approval or rejection, the approving individual must perform these actions; we have nothing to do with them or the process.)

Caller: “I’m unable to reject a ticket. I need to know how to reject a ticket.”

Me: “Well, generally speaking, as the approver, you should receive an email with a link to reject and a link to approve the ticket—”

Caller: *interrupting* “I didn’t get that. My manager forwarded me the ticket link and asked me to reject it. I opened the link and added notes, but when I clicked ‘Update’ it approved the ticket. I need that changed. Why did it do that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not have access to change approvals nor are we approvers of tickets, so we do not use those functions. Also, once approved, the ticket moves forward to fulfillment. However, we can send a ticket to the [Ticket System] team and they can go in and reject the request.”

Caller: “Okay. But why did it do that? What’s the difference between ‘Update’ and ‘Save’? They should be the same.”

Me: “That is again something [Ticket System] team would need to answer. Since we are not approvers we do not use those functions and cannot attest to the difference, I can add the query to the ticket I am sending them so they can answer.”

Caller: “But why did it approve like that? Why couldn’t I reject it? What is the difference between the buttons?”

Me: “Again, we do not know—”

Caller: *interrupts again* “Why didn’t you just say so instead of trying to answer? What lousy service. Lousy b******.” *hangs up*

Me: *turning to colleagues* “Can I reach through to phone and hurt someone?”

Colleague: “You can try.”

Related:
I’ve Got A Ticket To Deride

(An older lady with a very posh accent rings us with a printer problem.)

Customer: “I bought some ink cartridges today and they won’t fit into my printer. I’m very unimpressed with your company right now.”

Me: “I’m very sorry that we’ve let you down. Can I confirm a few details?”

(We confirm what model of printer it was, and that she’d been using it before, and had previously changed the cartridges in the past.)

Customer: “The cartridges just don’t fit.”

Me: “Is there anything blocking—”

Customer: *interrupting me* “No, there’s nothing there; the cartridges are too wide.”

Me: “Can you describe the cartridges?”

Customer: “They are…” *she describes a common model of HP cartridges; she has an Epson printer*

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but those are the wrong cartridges for your model of printer.”

Customer: “But the man at [Popular Stationary Chain] said that these were a common brand.”

Me: “Did you tell him what type of printer you had?”

Customer: “No, I couldn’t remember so he showed be some common types of ink cartridges and I picked these.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure if you go back in and explain what happened they might—”

Customer: *interrupting again* “No! I won’t go in there again. I want you to send me some ink cartridges out for free.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you went to another company, and couldn’t tell the person what type of printer you had, so you guessed about the cartridges.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And it turns out you guessed wrong.”

Customer: “Yes, and it’s your fault.”

Customer: “I cannot get on VPN.”

Me: “Okay, do you have any error message?”

Customer: “Hang on a second. First I have to connect to Wi-Fi right?”

Me: “Yes, that would help for sure.”

Customer: “How do I do that? Shall I click on that bars icon?”

Me: “Yes, go ahead.”

Customer: “Now I have a list of possibilities. Which is correct, [his, not very common, last name]’s network?”

Me: “That sounds like the one.”

Customer: “Now it says ‘connected’. What is next? Internet Explorer?”

Me: “Yes, and then go to VPN landing page.”

Customer: “Oh, is it [exactly correct URL]?”

Me: “Yes, that is the one.”

Customer: “Now what? It is asking for user name and password. Is it [correct ID] and [correct type of password]?”

Me: “Yes, go ahead.”

Customer: “Oh, it says that I’m connected to VPN. Thank you very much for your help.”

Me: “No problem, sir. I just do not know what should I put in your ticket.”

Customer: “Oh, put there that I just needed some confidence.”

(I am a trainer for an internal helpdesk. We have several new employees, and one of them is currently sitting with me while I show her how to handle our calls. She is older, and has commented several times that I say the weirdest things.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “Well, you’re doing really well so far, so let’s see. The meaning of life?”

Me: “Well, as far as I understand, the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42.”

Caller: “You would be surprised how many people don’t know that.”

Me: “Those people probably also don’t know where their towel is, and that’s a shame.”

Caller: *cracks up laughing*

Trainee: “…”