(I’m the resident network admin at our office. Far too often the following seems to happen whenever someone needs access to one of our databases: I get an email saying Employee needs access to Database. Before I even have a chance to read the details, an IM pops up on my screen:)

Employee: “Hey, did you see my request?”

Me: “Yes, it just popped up.”

Employee: “Oh, okay. Well, I need access to [Database].”

Me: “Yes, I’m reading that now.”

Employee: “Okay, thanks. I’m coming over.”

(Seconds later the employee physically walks to my desk.)

Employee: “So, you got my email right?”

Me: “I just said I did.”

Employee: “Have you done it yet?”

Me: “Um… It’s barely been two minutes since you sent the request. Give me a chance to read through it then I’ll get it in the system and send you confirmation.”

Employee: “Oh, okay.”

(They walk back to their desk, then almost immediately ping me on IM again.)

Employee: “Is it done yet?”

(I work for a tech company in their call center. Because it’s a call center, they often bring in free food to boost morale. It’s usually pizza, which is my absolute favorite food. I also tend to be a very fast walker. This means that I’m almost always the first one to the pizza table. I can’t help it; little things excite me. I guess this is enough to catch the eye of a supervisor who has never even supervised my team.)

Supervisor: “There goes [My Name]. She’s always first to get the pizza!”

(Or one time, when I walked past her desk and noticed some candy, I asked politely if I might have some.)

Supervisor: “Well, this candy is for MY team only, but if you insist.”

Me: *starts to decline, walk away*

Supervisor: “You already asked, so you might as well take some.”

(It’s gotten to the point now where she makes a comment every time she sees me eating something. One day very recently, she was walking through the rows with cupcakes.)

Me: *puts on my headset and focuses heavily on my screen, to avoid conversation with her*

Supervisor: “[My Name], cupcake.”

Me: *puts on a polite smile and shakes my head* “No, thanks!”

Supervisor: “WOW. Really?! That’s gotta be the first time I’ve ever heard you say no to food!” *starts to leave, then looks back* “No offense.”

(At our company, most people still use desktops, but we can issue laptops to people who need to travel, work remotely, or present a lot of meetings. We have a limited number of laptops to give out, so they are always in high demand, but I think this request took the cake…)

User: “I do work at two different departments within the company, so I need to travel back and forth inside the building frequently. I would like another desk to be set up with monitors, mouse, and keyboard, and a phone at my second location. In addition, I’d like a second laptop, so that I don’t have to carry my laptop between desks.”

Me: “[Company] help desk. This is [My Name.] How can I help you?”

User: “Nothing is working.”

(After a few moments of troubleshooting I determine that another technician was working on her computer, and the user can’t log in because she’s attempting to use her password with his name.)

Me: “Okay, so what you need to do is to click the ‘switch user’ button.”

User: “That’s what he told me to do earlier, but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Can you describe to me what you see when you press that button?”

User: “There’s two squares on the screen, one says [Technician] and the other says ‘Log in as other user.’ ”

Me: “Okay… so, select ‘log in as other user.'”

User: “But I’m not ‘other user’! I’m ME!”

Coworker: *with the phone on mute* “Why are you working on a computer?! Stop. Go get a hammer, and break rocks into smaller rocks. Don’t do anything that involves technology!”

(Unmutes the phone.)

Coworker: “Yes, sir. I want you to click the button that says ‘open.'”