(I work for a major company for Internet, TV, and phone services, and this call comes in.)

Me: “This is [My Name] with [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my f****** Internet isn’t working every time I use the d*** vacuum cleaner!”

Me: “Okay, that’s weird. Can you tell me in depth how you know that the vacuum cleaner is the issue?”

Customer: “Well, whenever I clean the house, I don’t have Internet, TV, or a phone line. It is starting to freak me out!”

Me: “But I can see that the services are working just fine.”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s the weird part; like ten to fifteen minutes after my husband comes home from work, everything works perfectly.”

Me: “Is your husband there, because maybe he fixes it somehow?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on. I’ll get him for you.” *screams husband’s name*

Husband: “Hello, this is [Husband]. What’s up?”

Me: “Your wife told me the services like Internet and TV aren’t working all day long after she used the vacuum cleaner, and just like magic, when you come home from work everything works again.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s true. Whenever she uses the vacuum, she pulls the plug of the router and modem to put the plug of the vacuum cleaner in. Then, she removes the vacuum cleaner, but doesn’t put the plug of the modem and router back in.”

Me: *confused* “So… why didn’t you tell her this?”

Husband: “Because she thinks the router and modem don’t have anything to do with Internet and TV because she uses ‘wireless services.’ She always says she wants to throw the router and modem away because she never uses them.”

Me: *almost crying* “Okay, well, I suggest you tell her that they are needed.”

Husband: “Nope, that’s your job. Good luck.” *passes the phone back to his wife*

Customer: “Hey, so is it fixed?”

Me: “Well, it seems that you pull the plug of the modem and router whenever you use the vacuum cleaner, but forget to put the plug back in. Your husband puts the plugs back when he’s home, so that’s why all services work whenever he comes home.”

Customer: “But I use wireless; I don’t need that stupid box of s***.”

Me: “Well, actually, you need it, ma’am, because that box sends the wireless signal.”

Customer: “Oh.” *screams the name of the husband* “YOU MOTHERF*****! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS, YOU PIECE OF S***? NOW I’M F****** EMBARRASSED, YOU D***-HEAD!”

Me: “Is there anything I can assist you with, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, thanks. Lots of love, and thanks for the support!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have a nice day.”

(Just when I said my last line, I heard pots and pans getting thrown around. I just hung up and burst into laughter. My supervisor asked me why I was laughing, so I told him the story and let him listen to the call. It was a fun day.)

(I am going through open case tickets. I find one that has a phone number to a direct line for the client. This isn’t unusual, but it’s not generally a common practice we use since we’re supposed to only call store locations unless told by the store manager, store owner, or our own supervisor. I dial the phone number in the case notes, since it says to call the store manager at the number provided. This all takes place before my work starts recording calls.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I’m calling from [Company]. I’m calling to follow up on the case here about [problem]. I see that the last notes in the case—”

Woman: *cuts me off* “I don’t know why you keep calling me! I told the last guy from your company that called that I don’t work at no [Company] and that I don’t wanna be bothered anymore! I’m out with my kid walking and you call me about some f****** issue for [Company] that I don’t work at! I told you before to stop calling my cell!”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience we’ve caused you. I’m making notes in the case to not call the number listed so we no longer make this mistake. I hope you have a good day.”

(I hang up and go about my job. A few minutes go by and I look at the incoming calls in the queue; I see the same phone number come up that I just got off of with the angry lady. I wait for the call to come up and I answer it. Sure enough, it’s the same lady.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. Do you have an existing case number to reference?”

Woman: “I don’t know who I just got off the phone with at your d*** company, but you f****** r*****s keep calling my God-d*** cell phone! I’m tired of being harassed by you stupid f*****s!”

Me: “I do apologize for the problems this has caused you, and I see there are notes in the case that mention to never use the phone number we have written down.”

Woman: “I don’t give a f*** what your notes say! You need to stop calling me. I don’t work at [Company] and I’m tired of you a**holes calling me while I’m out with my daughter!”

Me: “It’s noted in the case to not call your number again.”

Woman: “F*** you and your God-d*** company! Don’t you be calling my phone no more!”

Me: *knowing phone calls aren’t recorded* “Ma’am, it’s noted here to not call you anymore and you calling us back after we initially spoke to you, only to berate us, is uncalled for. Quite frankly, you don’t need to be a f****** b**** about it now.”

Woman: *gasps* “Uh… uh…” *gasps again, hangs up, and never calls back*

(I work at a help desk for a hotel management software.)

Receptionist: “The software isn’t working.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Receptionist: “I’m trying to change the departure date, but it doesn’t let me do it.”

Me: “What date are you trying to set?”

Receptionist: “February 30.”

Me: “Try with February 28.”

Receptionist: “Oh, now it’s working. Why is there a problem with February 30?”

Me: “…”

(I work in a portrait studio and am going to upload a customer’s pictures from a memory card after finishing the session. I get an error message that says, “card cannot be used,” which I’ve never seen before, so I call our help desk. He asks a couple questions and runs few a couple of quick things that don’t work.)

Help Desk Tech: “Okay, let’s do it this way. Go ahead and format the memory card.”

Me: “What? Format the memory card?”

(I am terrified to do this because it will erase all the images I just finished taking of a large group.)

Help Desk Tech: “Yeah.”

Me: “No.”

Help Desk Tech: “No?”

Me: *firmly* “No.”

Help Desk Tech: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m trying to retrieve the images, not delete them!”

Help Desk Tech: “It’s fine. I can still get them after you format it.”

Me: “No.”

Help Desk Tech: “It will be okay.”

Me: “What’s your name?”

Help Desk Tech: “[Help Desk Tech].”

Me: “Well, [Help Desk Tech], if I am going to go against my better judgement and format this memory card I need you to promise me that I won’t delete these pictures.”

Help Desk Tech: “It should be fine.”

Me: “Should be isn’t good enough! I need you to promise me.”

Help Desk Tech: “I promise. Go ahead and format it. I’ll help you through this. We can do it together.”

(I can tell he’s teasing me, but I take a deep breath and format the memory card. He proceeds to remotely access my computer and retrieve the images from the card.)

Me: “You did it!”

Help Desk Tech: “I’m glad. I was totally lying when I promised before.”

Me: “[Help Desk Tech]!”

Help Desk Tech: “Just kidding.”

Me: “Thank you so much!” *to my customer who has been waiting for her pictures* “He did it! My new best friend [Help Desk Tech] did it!”

([Help Desk Tech] is my buddy now. I’m always glad when I call the help desk and it’s him. The customer loved her pictures and tipped me $30.)

(I work as an IT technician for my college during the summer, and they are in the process of upgrading their phone system. I have replaced a certain older professor’s phone the previous day and left both a full manual of how to use the phone as well as a more condensed “how-to” pamphlet. Mind you, the phone is not difficult to use and works exactly like any other office phone. The professor in question calls the help desk.)

Me: “Hello, IT help desk. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Professor: “Yeah, I need to know how to use the new phone.”

(I am confused, as he is calling on that very phone.)

Me: “Is there a certain feature you’re not sure of how to use?”

Professor: “I just need to know how to make calls on it.”

(I am very confused now.)

Me: “It should work just like your old phone, just pick up the handset and start dialing. You can check your voicemail by pushing the button that looks like an envelope.”

Professor: “Why are we changing them, anyway?”

Me: “Our old system is really outdated and is costing us a lot to maintain.”

Professor: “Well, who is paying for all these new phones?”

Me: “I’m not sure of what part of the budget it’s coming out of, but it will actually save us money in the long-run.”

Professor: “Well, we’re all dead in the long-run.”

Me: *speechless for the next full 30 seconds* “Umm, yep… Is there anything else you need?”

Professor: “Nope, bye.”

Me: “Have a nice day.”