(I am working the returns desk. I look up to see a lady and her husband coming through the door with this rather large and battered box in a shopping cart. The customer is returning a microwave, in particular, a type which we had a recall on in the past due to it not wanting to shut off and burning itself up.)

Me: “So, what was the problem with the microwave?”

Woman: “It blew.”

Me: “Didn’t shut off and burned up?”

Woman: “No. It blew.”

(I am gritting my teeth. It is everything I can do to not tell her that’s the definition of “burned up.”)

Me: “It blew up?”

Woman: “No. It’s blue. It doesn’t match anything in my kitchen.”

Me: *blinks* “What?”

Woman: “It’s blue. Blue like the sky.”

(I pick the microwave box up and start opening it. The woman gets somewhat angry with me, starting off on this rant about how I don’t trust her or something, how she hates the store; you know — the usual “I pay your check” rant.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I just haven’t ever seen a blue microwave before. That’s all. I have got to see this.”

(Opening the box, I blink and then realize that the woman has made a mistake. So I gently tell her that no, the microwave isn’t blue. This does not go over well. She starts in on that rant again, going on about how stupid I am, questioning my intelligence, and noting that a “southern” person can’t be trusted; this is in Georgia, but she has a THICK New York accent. As she’s carrying on her rant, I start picking at the corner of the top I’ve exposed. My manager at this point has come over, which starts the whole “It blew/blue” thing again. About halfway into that, I manage to get a good hold on the plastic coating on the microwave. Giving it a good hard yank, producing a wonderfully loud ripping sound, I remove about half of the protective film off the microwave, revealing the stainless steel underneath.)

Me: “It’s not blue now.”

(The woman just stared at me, looked at the microwave, and back to the manager, all the while making this open mouth motion like a fish out of water. The manager had this funny grin on his face, and you could tell he was trying NOT to laugh in her face. Eventually she realized the stupidity of what she had done, and how this “southern” boy just made her look stupid. Needless to say, she took the microwave home.)

(I work at my company’s in-house IT help desk. A few months ago we switched our mobile service provider, and now every employee only has limited — but combined — mobile data volume for their phone and laptop. Once the volume is used up, they get a text message informing them that their bandwidth is now reduced quite a bit. While every employee can order new gigabytes by simply replying to the notification, sending a simple text message to our provider, or checking a web portal, a member of our higher management seems to be too stressed out by this procedure one day and calls us.)

Me: *picking up phone* “Hello, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Employee: “Yes, hello, my Internet is really slow. I already called [Provider] and they said I didn’t get a notification message because of some maintenance work. Now I can’t reply to the message and get new data volume.”

Me: “Ah, okay. No problem at all. You can also just send a text message saying, ‘[simple word],’ to [number]. Or use your phone to go to [Web Portal] to check your status and buy new data volume there.”

Employee: “But I didn’t get a message! Can’t you call [Provider] and tell them to send the notification message again?”

Me: *slightly irritated* “Um, like I said, you just need to text ‘[simple word]’ to [number] or check the webpage.”

Employee: *starting to get annoyed* ”No, no. I’m at a big event and right in the middle of a meeting. I can’t handle composing a whole message right now. Can’t you just call them and have them send me the notification again so that I can reply to it?”

Me: *a bit dumbfounded while processing that request* ”Well, um, like I said, you… could just send a text message yourself… right now.”

Employee: *in a slightly aggressive tone* “So, what you are telling me is that you refuse to call [Provider]? That you don’t want to call them?”

Me: *still in disbelief* “Well, of course I can call [Provider] for you, but that way you will still have to send a text message. The process on your end will pretty much be the same.”

Employee: “Great, just call them and let them send the notification again! Thanks.” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

(I wound up calling our provider and booking new data volume for the employee myself. Afterwards I wrote an email with detailed instructions on how to get new gigabytes yourself and sent it to the employee. With all the waiting in line, dealing with robots and the call center employee, and writing the email, I spent about 40 minutes on what could have been done with a simple text message in less than ten seconds.)

(I’m an IT technician who is currently fixing another worker’s webcam remotely, as I am on one side of the country while he is on the other. He has told me he will be away for half an hour, so I’m left to work alone. I finish updating the drivers and quickly load the webcam software to see if that has fixed the problem. When the window loads I’m met with two men completely naked and standing up, engaged in sex, one being the guy whose computer I’m working on. I’m in shock for a couple of seconds when I hear “OH, S***” and see them turn quickly and the webcam (which is integrated into the laptop’s monitor) face downwards. I quickly disconnect. I’m a little shaken, but ultimately decide to try and forget about it. I quickly send an email confirming the problem has been fixed and my intent to close his ticket.)

Me: “It would seem the drivers needed updating, and from what I’ve seen the webcam is working correctly now. If there are no other issues, I will be closing your ticket.”

Worker: “Wow, sorry about that. I didn’t expect it to be fixed so soon. I hope it wasn’t a tad much for you, seeing that. Let’s just keep this between us. Thanks for the help!”

(I never had any more tickets come in from him, thankfully…)

(I am doing Internet tech support over the phone.)

Me: “I’d like you check if you can see your WiFi name now, please.”

Customer: *too fast to have re-checked the list* “It’s still not there.”

Me: “Okay, can I have you just refresh the list, please?”

Customer: *angrily* “I don’t know how to do that! I’m forty! I don’t know anything about all this technology stuff!”

(I managed to refrain from telling him that I am forty-three, and not only am I not the oldest in the call centre, one of my coworkers left retirement to come and work with us! There are many excuses for being ignorant about technology, but being middle-aged isn’t one of them.)

(One of the major ISPs in Indonesia, who’s also the main telecommunications provider, is blocking Netflix since its expansion, due to Netflix’s refusal to share its revenue with the ISP. To compensate, they provide their own rip-off streaming services, but the service is really bad. One day I decide to stop my subscription, since they’re blocking Netflix, and also due to their really silly Internet filter. If we cancel our subscription, we could also lose our landline, and I don’t want to lose it, so I need to make sure.)

Me: “Hello, I want to cancel my subscription to your Internet service. But I have one question: would I lose my landline number?”

ISP: “All right, ma’am. Could you tell us the reason you’re ending your subscription?”

Me: “I can’t watch Netflix. You block them.”

ISP: “Sorry, but they’re not our product. To stream movies and TV series, we suggest [Rip-Off Streaming Service #1] and [Rip-Off Streaming Service #2]. Have you reconsidered?”

Me: “YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter are not your products, either, but I can still access them; why is that? Besides, your streaming service is really poor, and it crashes most of the time.”

ISP: “Netflix doesn’t cooperate with us, but the other sites have.”

Me: “So, you decided to just block them?”

ISP: “Netflix’s content is full of violence, so we decided not to cooperate with them.”

Me: “But [Rip-Off Streaming Service #1] and [Rip-Off Streaming Service #2] have also provided violent content in their service. To be fair, the responsibility of filtering content is the customer’s responsibility, and I’m capable of it.”

ISP: *ignoring my comment* “I’m sorry, ma’am. They’re not compliant to this country’s regulation.”

Me: “First you say it’s because they don’t cooperate with you, then you say that it’s because their content is violent, then you say that they’re not compliant with regulations? Which one is true?”

ISP: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we have [Rip-Off Streaming Service #1] and [Rip-Off Streaming Service #2] with quality movies; have you reconsidered?”

Me: “…”

(I guess I won’t mind losing my phone number, then.)