(A mobile customer calls in to check if her bill is due.)

Me: “I can definitely check to see if your mobile bill is due. I’ll just need the cell phone number, please.”

Customer: *gives me the number*

Me: “Okay, I searched that number and it’s not bringing up any results. Is this for your mobile account?”

Customer: “That’s the correct number. I only have one number.”

Me: “So, the number is [number]?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it doesn’t appear that this number is with our cellular services.”

Customer: “Well, no, it wouldn’t be. It’s my home number. My cell number is [other number].”

(I work for a large electronics store that also does tech support. An older gentleman comes up to the support counter with a new high-end laptop.)

Me: “Thanks for coming in to [Company]. I’m [My Name]. How can I help you out today?”

Customer: “I bought this laptop here last week and there’s something wrong with it.”

Me: “Okay, let’s just take a look here.”

(I power on the laptop and find that it is clearly infected with a virus that keeps pulling up p*rnographic content.)

Me: “Looks like you have a pretty nasty virus infection going on. We can get that cleared up for [price].”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! It came like that!”

Me: “Sir, I guarantee you that it did not.”

Customer: “Yes, it did, but it doesn’t matter. I bought the warranty, so you have to fix it for free, anyway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the warranty does not cover viruses. It only covers if it physically breaks, like if the screen cracks, or something.”

(The customer then picks up the laptop and spikes it to the ground like a football.)

Customer: “There. Now it’s physically broken. Take the d*** thing!”

Me: “The warranty also does not cover intentional damage.”

Customer: *as he is being escorted out by security* “You ruined my marriage! I’m going to get divorced because of you!”

(I work for a cell phone company. A customer calls in requesting his account number to transfer to another company.)

Customer: “I’m calling to get my account number.”

Me: “Sure! Your account number is [number].”

Customer: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Sir, it shows me the account number right here. This is your account number.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. I know my account number.”

Me: “If you don’t mind me asking, if you know your account number, why did you call to ask me what it was?”

Customer: “Uh…” *hangs up*

(We have a reporting mechanism for lost and stolen equipment, and employees are required to report lost equipment. One employee fills out a form for a stolen phone. When getting to the question asking about the surrounding circumstances of the theft, the employee states on the form that he was involved in a melee. Here’s a paraphrased excerpt from our internal incident response discussion:)

Supervisor: “Were there weapons involved in the melee?”

Tech #1: “It wasn’t stated in the report.”

Supervisor: “Need to know what level the characters were, what skill tree, and what weapons were involved. Were there any legendary items at all?”

Tech #2: “I’ll bet they were trying to use a freaking mage as a melee character.”

Tech #1: “Thief used boots of escaping, no purple runes on bedazzled phone. Subject was pwn’d by a level-13 rogue. What a noob.”

(A woman in her late 40s recently hired me to add analytics to her blog. It’s basically just a vanity blog about being rich and complaining about how no one goes to church anymore and how “political correctness” is ruining society. I cringe a few times as I am reading it while I install the analytics. Nevertheless, it is a paying job and I’m not here to judge, so I do what I am paid to do, am paid for it, and move on. A month later, I get a call from her.)

Customer: “Your analyser is broken! It’s not showing the right numbers!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. I’ll just go and have a look.” *checks it all out* “I’m seeing ten page loads this week. I just reloaded it, and now it’s clicked to eleven. It all seems to be working properly.”

Customer: “No, no, no! I get way more views than that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but how do you know?”

Customer: “My husband says he reads it every day! So do all of his employees, and all my friends from bridge club, and my neighbors say they read it, too!”

(Realization slowly dawns on me.)

Me: “Oh, okay. I’m so sorry it doesn’t seem to be working correctly. I’ll look into it.”

(Stumped as to what to do, I end up finding her husband’s email address and warning him about the analytics. I get a one-line email back.)

Husband: “Well, f***. Any chance I could pay you again to just take it off the site?”

(I declined. I’m not sure what happened, but I never heard from them again.)