Insert Sex Euphemism Here

| | Right | June 4, 2008

(I get a lot of funny calls, and most of the time, I can stay calm and professional through the call. This is the only one I’ve had where I needed to hit the ‘mute’ button. Thankfully, he was talking about the website–I eventually needed to dispatch a tech.)

Me: “Thanks for calling Internet Tech Support, Emily speaking.”

Customer: “Yeah, I was looking at this porn site, and now I can’t get it up anymore.”

Me: “…”

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Tech Support, How I Miss Thee

| | Right | June 3, 2008

(Preface: One of our business’ locations lost power. I first spent an hour on the phone…)

Me: “Your power went out? Did you shut down the computers or did they shut down on their own?”

Them: “They just shut down, and now they won’t come up!”

Me: “So you have power now? Are your TVs and radios playing?”

Them: “Yes!”

Me: “What I want you to do is go to the computer and find the power cord.”

Them: “Okay, got it.”

Me: “Trace it to the battery backup. You will find it plugged into the back of it.”

Them: “Okay, found it.”

Me: “Plug it into a receptacle other than the battery backup. Plug it into the wall receptacle.”

Them: “Okay, done.”

Me: “Now try to power the computer up.”

Them: “Nothing.”

Me: “Okay, there may have been a breaker that tripped. Do you know your way around your fusebox?”

Them: “Yes.”

Me: “Go look at it and see if anything is tripped. If so, reset it, okay?”

Them: “Okay, hold on…”

(After a few moments…)

Them: “Nothing’s tripped and I got customers needing to make payments!”

Me: “Okay, I will be there in a couple of hours.”

(After a two hour trip, I arrive with a new computer in my backseat. The first thing I look at is the APC backup power supply. The problem? The computer was still plugged into the backup, but even better: they plugged the backup power supply into itself. Two hour trip, one minute solution.)

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The Joy Of Sex(ism), Part 3

| | Right | June 1, 2008

(I’m a male to female transsexual working in a call center. My name is an androgynous name, so I still use the male name when greeting customers for legal reasons.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, K***y speaking. How can I help you today?”

Sexist Caller: “You can’t help me. Get me someone who can.”

Me: “I’m sure I can assist you sir, what is the problem today?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to you!”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to no girl.”

(This caused me to both be glad that my voice passes for female on the phone, but really pissed me off cause of how horrible it was…but I would have my revenge…)

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that sir, are you sure?”

Sexist Caller: “Get me a man, God d**n it!*

Me: “Okay sir, let me see what I can do. Please hold.”

(I proceed to put him on hold. I then spend the next few minutes eating a snack, reading some web comics, etc. I then clear my throat, and hit the button to take him off hold.)

Me: *with my old male voice this time* “Thank you for calling technical support, this is K***y speaking, how can I help you?”

Sexist Caller: “Oh thank god, I though I was gonna be stuck with that b**ch.”

Me: “Understandable sir, she’s not that good a technician.”

Sexist Caller: “You guys got the same name, you related or something?”

Me: “No way, thank God… ”

(I proceeded to reinstall his operating system from where he had totally screwed it up. I got written up for this, all while the manager was laughing and apologizing that he had to do it.)


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Thick(headed) As Thieves

| | Right | May 30, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to install your program but it keeps quitting during the set up.”

Me: “Are you getting any error messages?”

Customer: “No, it just quits and I have to restart the installation.”

Me: “At what point does it quit?”

Customer: “Well, it’s on the screen where is says registration code. I hit cancel and then it quits.”

Me: “In order for the installation process to finish, you need to put in a registration code.”

Customer: “Can you give me one?”

Me: “For your program to work, you need to put in the code that comes with it.”

Customer: “Well, how do I find that?”

Me: “It would be on a slip of paper inside the box.”

Customer: “What box?”

Me: “The box that the CD came in.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a box. Could you just give me a code?”

Me: “When you bought the program it came in a box, did you lose the box?”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t buy it, I got it from a friend. But I don’t think she bought it either. The CD looks like it was homemade.”

Me: “… homemade?”

Customer: “Yeah, the top of the CD has handwriting on it. It’s just like the music CDs she gives to me.”

Me: “I’m going to have to assume that the person who gave you this CD downloaded the program illegally. I can not provide you with a code to activate the software without a proper purchase.”

Customer: “So now I can’t use it?”

Me: “Not without purchasing it.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to pay for it, I just want to use it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it just won’t work that way.”

Customer: “Well, what good are you, you lousy b**ch?!” *click*

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It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

| | Right | May 27, 2008

(A customer had some serious problems with his computer, and since we are an internet company, we refer to the computer manufacturer number.)

Me: “Okay, sir, can you tell me the brand of your computer?”

Caller: “Compaq…” (or so I thought I heard…)

Me: “Okay, sir, give me a sec–”

Caller: *apparently still reading* “…compact disc.”

Me: >.<

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