I work in IT for a government-run building that houses many contractors. In this building, most programmer gets four monitors, which are attached to special mounts to make a two-by-two grid of monitors. I often get rather bland tickets requesting help with these monitors, but one ticket stood out as just a bit more memorable.

Ticket: “I have two functional monitors and one that appears to have misplaced all its cables. (It’s such a forgetful monitor, always leaving its cables everywhere.) I’d like to get AC and I/O cables to hook up my third monitor, as well as a fourth monitor because I’m a greedy, decadent b*****d who wants ALL THE MONITORS! Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie! :) Thank you in advance for enabling my monitor addiction!”

I went to help him, but unfortunately, once we hooked up his third monitor, it turned out that it wasn’t functional. I also had to inform him that I couldn’t provide new monitors; he had to ask the organization he worked for to provide them. He was understanding and thanked me for my attempt to help him.

Two days later, I got a new ticket from him.

Title: “Help me pilfer two monitors like a real pirate! ARRRR, matey!”

Subject: “I have gotten permission from [Person who handles their hardware] (as far as you know…) to steal two monitors from a non-functional desk. Sadly, I lack the appropriate hardware to detach and move monitors. Hey, that’s a hardware problem; we programmers only do software problems!

“Thus, I’m begging any kind IT folks to come on down here with a giant wrench to help me to reappropriate some monitors when no one is looking.  

“They say that a real friend will help you bury the bodies, but this isn’t murder, just a snatch-and-grab burglary, so I figure all you really need is a good acquaintance for that, right? Come on, oh buddy, oh pal! Help me out, and I’ll look the other way if any other monitors go missing…

“For those boring people who want to document things, I’m looking to loot [technical details about where the monitors were that I need before doing a move].

“…I suppose someone might also want to check to see if there is a ticket in to fix the computer at that desk? I would put one in, but I don’t want to risk creating a duplicate. Besides, I’m far less interested in fixing things than I am in looting the corpses of those less fortunate for my personal gain. I blame all the Fallout games I played as a kid.”

After getting the appropriate sign-off on looting, I helped with moving the monitors. When asked about his interesting ticketing approach, the guy explained that he was still waiting for the government’s bureaucracy to get around to getting him all the accounts and permissions he needed to work, so he had nothing better to do than to get creative with the few tasks he could complete.

This one sticks in my memory, even over fifteen years later!

My coworker and I got along okay for years until the day I returned to work after having my tubes tied. I was thirty and had never wanted kids, nor had my husband, and I was delighted to have finally gotten the procedure done.

That morning, [Coworker] came up to me snarling, a look on her face like I’d just taken a dump in her handbag. Pure unbridled disgust radiated off her. She started by slapping a hand down on my desk.

Coworker: “How dare you?! You go off, mutilate yourself, betray your marriage, and never once stop to think about others!”

Befuddled, I asked what on earth she meant. It turned out that she and her husband were struggling with infertility. Her religion held that marriage was only for the production of children, so by removing that option, I was, one, not married anymore, and two, revolting because I’d given away a fertility she desperately wanted.

Me: “My marriage and my body are none of your business.”

She stormed out of the office.

Later, I found out that she’d gone to Human Resources and said she could no longer work with me; she didn’t feel safe because I wasn’t part of her religion and I was boasting (!) about giving away “the best part of being a woman”.

[Coworker] avoided me for the rest of my time at that firm. I don’t know what HR said to her, but that was the most WTF moment I ever encountered in over twenty-five years in IT.

Related:
Not Your Body, Not Your Business, Part 2
Not Your Body, Not Your Business

I do in-house marketing for a small school and occasionally help the IT person since we’re so small. I was doing copywriting for a newsletter we’re publishing soon that I was also putting into [Email Marketing Program]. Our admissions director sent me an email with what she thought would be a good format: seven columns, each with a three-thousand-word article she’d written. 

Client: “I’d like all this content in the email and in this format.”

Me: “I understand, but you requested months ago that all emails be mobile-friendly. This much content in this format is not mobile-friendly. I suggest we break up the content over several newsletters.”

Client: “No. It has to all be in one email.”

Me: “Then how do you suggest we make it mobile-friendly? I hardly think our potential students will want to read seven 3,000-word articles on their phone in one email.”

Client: “You’re the expert. You figure it out.”

I work in tech support for a large UK broadband supplier.

Caller: “I’m having issues with my wireless signal.”

Me: “Have you tried a direct connection to your modem with an ethernet cable?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “I’m going to ignore that because we live in a wireless age, so I should be able to use my wireless wherever I am. Find another solution.”

Me: “Sir, in troubleshooting, most issues like yours are resolved by connecting to the modem to—”

Caller: “Find… another… solution.”

I escalated him to my manager. My manager couldn’t break past his “fire-wire-wall”, either, so we sent a tech out to his place. The tech simply connected his modem to an ethernet cable and was out of there in five minutes.

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 47
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 46
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 45
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 44
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 43

I am on a call with a client I do tech support for.

Client: “I’ve put the DVD in my computer, but it won’t recognize it in Windows Media Player. Normally, it works without any problems.”

Me: “Your computer has two drives and only one of them can read DVDs. Which drive did you put the disc in?”

Client: “What do you mean? They’re different? You’re supposed to be the computer expert, why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”

I ignore everything wrong and insulting about the previous comment.

Me: “Each of the two drives have a little insignia on the front. One says ‘DVD’ and the other says ‘CD’. Make sure the disc is in the tray that says ‘DVD’.“

Client: “Are you f****** kidding me? You can’t just tell me what’s wrong? How do you expect to get paid for what you do if you can’t make a f****** DVD work on my computer? I can’t see anything on the computer that says ‘DVD’ or ‘CD’.”

Me: “Try the top one.”

Client: “Oh wait, the disc is still on my desk.”

She puts it into the computer and the DVD starts playing instantly.

Client: “Well, I figured it out by myself. I guess I didn’t need your fancy tech support after all.“ *Click.*