(I want to “chat” with someone at my major cell phone carrier, so I go to their “contact” page. There is no live link for chat; it is grayed out. Quoting the page:)
Message: “Chat — We are online 24/7. If we aren’t available, please check back later.”
(Okay, so… when am supposed to check back? Maybe the 25th hour of the 8th day of the week?)
(A chat comes in from Turkey, which raises flags right away as we only have services in the US. This “customer” establishes themselves immediately as a troll. They say not to feed them, but a kick in the troll’s shorts, closing chat, and banning them for life seems better.)
Me: “Welcome to [local ISP]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “STFU maybe?”
Me: “I am sorry; we don’t offer that.”
Customer: “Shut up, b****.”
Me: “I am sorry; we, again, don’t offer that. But if you check with your mother, I am sure she does.”
Customer: *closes the chat*
Me: *bans user until 2999*
(We recently got a new phone system installed. Naturally, we had some starting problems. Day two, my phone suddenly stops working. It’s still able to make calls, but I can’t hear anything and the person I call can’t hear me, either. I go to the IT guys and ask for help.)
Tech: “Go back to your desk. I will call you to figure it out.”
(Took him some time to figure out why I was laughing.)
Me: “Hello! Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”
Customer: “My computer will not turn on. I press the power button and nothing happens.”
Me: “All right. Is the computer plugged in?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay. What is the computer plugged in to?”
Customer: “You need to ask that?”
Me: “The last guy tried to plug the computer into his toaster.”
Customer: “It’s plugged into my power strip.”
Me: “Okay. What is this power strip plugged into?”
Customer: *pause* “The power strip.”
Me: “Sir, it’s a fire hazard to have more than one power strip’s worth of devices plugged into one socket.”
Customer: “No… I only have one power strip. Sorry, I’m a dumba**.”
Me: “That’s not as uncommon a mistake as you might expect, sir.”
(I actually keep track of this call, and when I get it, I tell them how many other people make this mistake. I am up to 62.)
User: “Hi. This morning I called because my computer wasn’t working.”
Me: “Yes, I went to your workstation and swapped out the faulty screen. Is the new one working for you now?”
User: “Yes, everything’s working fine, but—“
Me: “Yes?”
User: “I was wondering when I’m going to get the old screen back. I didn’t really need a whole replacement screen; I just wanted that one to be fixed.”
Me: “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. The screen I took out is completely dead; it’s not powering on or responding to signal at all. Since these particular screens have no accessible configuration settings and no replaceable parts, the chances that we’ll be able to repair it are very low, and it would probably cost more to have replacement components sent to us than to buy a new unit. Swapping it out for a replacement of the same model is a much faster option.”
User: “Oh, well… Did you try turning it off and turning it back on again?”
(How the tables have turned.)
