Service With Surgical Precision

| USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I work as technical support at a large company that sells technology into multiple markets. I am following up on a voicemail left by a potential customer. From the voicemail, I know he’s looking for a specific medical product from the company’s medical division. I also know that the rights to the specific product had been sold to another company a few years ago. I dial the number he left me so that I can give him the other company’s contact information.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] from technical support at [My Company]. I’m calling to follow up with a voicemail you left with us earlier today.”

Customer: “Oh, yes, I’m so glad you got back to me!”

Me: “As it turns out, [product he is interested in] is one of the products that [My Company] sold to [Other Company] a few years ago. Would you like to take down their phone number?”

Customer: “Well, actually, I can’t right now. I’m in surgery. It’s what I do for a living. But I’m sure I’ll be able to look up [Other Company]’s phone number if I search on the Internet.”

Me: “Okay, well, I hope you have a good day and that everything turns out well.”

Customer: *cheerfully* “Oh, yes, we’re just closing up the chest now. Thanks again for calling me back!”

New Degrees Of Misunderstanding

| Wales, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work for a large UK retailer, who has just released a new tablet computer, providing technical support for the product. We’re encouraged to keep customers on the line during the first time setup. This happens just at the start of the call, when selecting a wireless network to connect to.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. You’ll now see a screen that says ‘Select WiFi.’ Please find your home network connection and select it for me.”

Customer: “Found it! It’s asking for my password, I’ll just type that in… It says ‘Authenticating.’ Why is it saying that?”

(This always means the password was put in wrong. Usually it’s because the customer’s holding the tablet in landscape, and mistypes it.)

Me: “You might’ve accidentally typed the password in wrong. Forget the network and try again. Might I ask how you’re holding the [Tablet] right now?”

Customer: *sigh* “Landscape.”

Me: “Okay, if you could just hold it in portrait for me, just for this step.”

Customer: *long pause* “…How do I do that?”

Me: “Um… you turn it 90 degrees, ma’am. So that the camera’s on the side, instead of the top.”

Customer: *longer pause* “This is too complicated for me! I give up!” *click*

Should Stick To Interwebs Exploder

| Helsinki, Finland | Funny Names, Technology

Me: “So what browser you’re using?”

Caller: “I used to have Mozzarella, but now I’m using Wirevox.”

(I couldn’t resolve customer’s problem just over the phone, so I established a remote access connection to their computer. They used IE.)

When Crazy Requests Reach The Stratosphere

| Tulsa, OK, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work for a major satellite TV provider providing tech support when this customer calls in:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [TV provider]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, there’s nothing on my TV!”

Me: “When you say nothing is it a black screen?”

Customer: “No! It says searching for satellite signal. What is that?”

Me: “Oh, that means that for some reason either the dish isn’t picking up the signal from our satellite or else it isn’t getting from the dish to your receiver.”

Customer: “Well, then put a new satellite up there.”

Me: “Sir, I don’t believe that would—”

Customer: “You’re not paid to think, so just put a new satellite up.”

Me: “Sir, am I correct in hearing that you want us to launch a new satellite, knowing that such a process would take several months and cost millions of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes, but we both know it won’t take months. I want it done tonight, and it better not affect my bill.” *hangs up*

MS Word To The Wise

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

User: “Can you show me how to set up vacation email responses in Microsoft? I know there’s some way to set it up, but I can’t seem to do it myself. The guides say to go to ‘file,’ then ‘info,’ then ‘automatic replies,’ but there’s no such thing in my Microsoft!”

Me: “Well, let’s take a look…”

User: “See, I go to ‘file,’ then ‘info,’ but there’s no ‘automatic replies’ in my Microsoft.”

Me: “There you go, sir. All set.”

User: “Wow! There it is! How come ‘automatic replies’ shows up for you but it didn’t show up for me?”

Me: “Because you were trying to set up email replies in Microsoft Word…”

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