No Vocation For Location

| USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(Troubleshooting is little bit different for callers from offices and for calls using VPN. I work on out-of-hours so it is usually for remote workers, but not always.)

Me: “Are in office or are you remote?”

Caller: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “Are you in office or are you at your home?”

Caller: “Sorry, I’m not technical savvy.”

Me: “Well, this is not technical. Where are you?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Maybe you need some vacation.”

Taking The Long Route(r)

| Israel | Bigotry, Bizarre, Technology

(I work at the IT office in the city I live in. I’m female. I get a call from a city-funded kindergarten:)

Me: “IT office.”

Kindergarten Teacher: “Hi, we have a problem with the computer here. The Internet isn’t working.”

Me: “I see. Let’s see if there’s a way we can get this fixed over the phone, so you don’t have to wait for me to get to you.”

Kindergarten Teacher: “Look, is there no way you can just send someone over?”

Me: “I’m the person who usually goes out into the field. The reason I’m taking calls right now is that it’s still early in the morning, and no one else has arrived yet. These problems are very often easy to fix, and it would be a shame for you to wait until I got to you, only for me to restart your router, which you could easily do yourself and have Internet within minutes.”

Kindergarten Teacher: “But you don’t understand. We’re all women here, so we don’t know anything about computers. Just send one of the guys out. They’ll be able to fix it.”

(Having no words, I ended the call. The kicker is that I didn’t end up getting to that Kindergarten until hours later. Needless to say that all I did was restart the router, and they had Internet minutes later.)

You’ll Want To Note This Caller

| NC, USA | Bizarre, Technology

Customer: “I got an angry call from someone saying I left a note with my number on their car after I hit it, but I didn’t do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that happened, but this wouldn’t be a technical problem with your service if someone left a note with your number somewhere.”

Customer: “But I didn’t do it.”

Me: “If we’re talking about a physical note that was left, this isn’t a matter of bad caller ID or anything like that. Someone either lied on a note they left or the caller misread the number.”

Customer: “But isn’t that weird?”

Me: “It is weird, but your phone is fine in this instance.”

That’s A Completely Different Function

, | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Language & Words, Technology

(I am working nights at a help desk for hotel guests that need assistance connecting to WiFi. The customer can’t get online because the laptop’s WiFi is off. I calmly try directing their attention to the FN key (function key) + the key with WiFi signal on it (F6).)

Me: “To enable WiFi simple press and hold the FN key Then tap F6.”

Customer: “Don’t get impatient with me, sir.”

Me: “Oh, I’m not; just letting you know how to turn on your WiFi.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your supervisor!”

Me: “Okay… I can help if you would simply press the—”

Customer: “Supervisor!”

Me: “Okay, one moment…”

Supervisor: “This is [Supervisor]. How can I help?

Customer: “Your tech is being rude and telling me to press the FN key over and over. It’s unprofessional!”

Supervisor: “Do you see the space bar?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Supervisor: “Look three keys to the left; what does it read?”

Customer: “Oh, my god, I thought he was telling me to press the ‘effin’ key! I’m so sorry.”

There Is No Code For Common Sense

| Boston, MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Company] tech support. What’s your problem?”

Caller: “I’ll just run you through the story. I got locked out of my apartment, but my friend is still inside. I tried calling him, but his phone is either off, on Do Not Disturb, or something. Anyway, I’ve tried remotely SSHing our desktop computer from my laptop and using the say command to get the computer to tell him to unlock the door. Unfortunately the volume is too low. I tried Googling how to increase it via the command line, but I found nothing. Is there a way to do that?”

Me: “I take it the doorbell doesn’t work?”

Caller: *click*

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