Sick Of Puns

, , , , , , , | Healthy | February 18, 2019

(This happens to my dad when he is going back to nursing school in his sixties — a story in itself! One time a senior nursing instructor visits the class to give a “very important” presentation. This happens in the late 2000s, and both bird flu and swine flu are of major concern at the time as potential pandemics.)

Senior Instructor: *solemnly, and with a completely straight face* “I need to teach you how to recognize the difference between swine flu and bird flu. If it’s bird flu, you need a tweetment. If it’s swine flu, you need an oinkment!

(The entire class just about busted a gut laughing. My dad said in his entire time in nursing school, this particular instructor was always taciturn and businesslike and NEVER showed this sort of levity, except on this one remarkable occasion.)

How To Take The Class Seriously: Throw The Book(s) At Them

, , , | Learning | February 17, 2019

(In my junior year of college, I sign up for a history class that fills a requirement for two different majors, as well as a general graduation requirement, so it hits the limit of thirty-five students very quickly. On the first day of class, the room is packed; clearly, someone had to drag in extra desks to fit in the tiny basement space.)

Professor: “Oh, dear, there are quite a lot of you. Anyway, I want you to read this book for next week’s class.” *holds up a 200- to 300-page book*

Student: “Which chapters?”

Professor: “All of it.”

(Things continue in this vein for the first half of the semester: reading a good-sized book a week, writing several essays that meet the professor’s demanding standards, participating in detailed discussions throughout the entire two-hour class period… you get the idea. All this is on top of the work we need to do for four to five other classes. One by one, people drop the course. By the time midterms roll around, there are only eight of us remaining. On the day of our midterm review, the professor sits down and looks around at the much-depleted class with the smuggest cat-that-ate-the-canary grin on his face.)

Professor: “So few… Much better.”

To A Teenager, It Will Never Not Be Funny

, , , , , , , | Learning | February 13, 2019

I was in Grade 9 in the 1970s.

Our science class had just started a new unit on mass, or gravity, or something like that. Our teacher, a young, pretty cool guy, was a very visual teacher, using props, video, or whatever he thought would help.

At the beginning of the lesson, our teacher stood in front of thirty fourteen-year-olds, holding a tennis ball and a golf ball, and said loud and clear, “Class, I have two balls.”

He had to leave the room for about ten minutes while we finished laughing hysterically.

A Blood Alcohol Level That Does Not Compute

, , , , , , , | Learning | February 12, 2019

When I am in high school we have regular “IT” classes. These are ridiculous classes on basic computing skills. Given that it is the mid-2000s and everyone has a PC at home, there is literally nothing to be learned here. We are given floppy disks to store work on.

Most of our teachers struggle to teach anything, but we have one teacher that decides it’s not a battle worth fighting. He spends the first few weeks trying to explain how to use a keyboard or mouse, how to save word documents, etc., before giving it up and just sitting there like a child repeating over and over, “Do whatever you want; I still get paid.”

This probably would have been fine. What isn’t fine is about three months into the school year he figures he’s never taught anything worthwhile at all, so he gets drunk one morning and then sits at his desk drinking “water” most of the day. Eventually, one student decides that mucking around on the Internet is boring and throws a chair across the room. This is so much fun that another one does the same, except this time it goes through the door. The teacher is so drunk at this point he doesn’t even notice, but a nearby deputy head teacher does, comes to investigate, and finds a class in chaos and a teacher who can barely sit up given how drunk he is.

The end result is that the teacher is fired that second and has to be removed from the school by police because he is too drunk to stand and has put children in danger with his actions.

Not long after this, a group of students from several years get together and approach the head teacher complaining that IT lessons are a waste of time and don’t cover anything remotely worthwhile. The following year, the IT department is refreshed with new equipment and staff. Lessons are designed to focus much more on actual practical things such as the basics of programming. While I do feel bad that the teachers were forced to teach lessons that were useless in the face of a generation that had been using computers for years, that was no excuse to get completely drunk on the job.

Cuteness Overload

, , , , , , | Learning | February 8, 2019

(One of my aunts is a high school teacher. One day, she wakes up with a bad case of butterfingers.)

Aunt: *after the third time dropping something in the same class* “It’s a good thing I’m cute!”

(Toward the end of class, she launches into a detailed explanation of what the next assignment is, when it’s due, and other fun details. When she finishes:)

Student #1: “Um, wait… What’s the assignment about?”

Aunt: *gives him a Mom Stare* “It’s a good thing you’re cute!”

Student #1: “What?”

Student #2: “I think she just called you stupid.”

Student #1: “Why?”

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