Weak Week Magic

, , , , , | Learning | March 11, 2019

(I’m a teacher. The assistant principal at my school is laid back and hilarious. I’m walking out for the day when I stop to talk to him.)

Me: “Hey, [Assistant Principal]. I was wondering something.”

Assistant Principal: “What’s up?”

Me: “Can you use your magic assistant principal powers to make it Friday?”

Assistant Principal: “If I could, I’d make it Friday every few days. Our weeks would be: Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then Friday again!”

Through An Immature Lens

, , , , , , , | Learning | March 11, 2019

(I am attending a course about glasses and how to order them according to the customers’ needs. Our teacher is talking about common mistakes done while ordering them and comes to the section about the distances seen by wrongfully-ordered glasses —  what you “can” see and you “won’t” see clearly.)

Teacher: *mentioning this and that mistake* “…which leads to the person missing out on about five inches of distance, where he won’t see things clearly.”

(For a moment, one of my female colleagues looks at him in confusion.)

Female Colleague: “Do you even feel five inches?”

(The world turned white as I threw my head back and let out a childish, uncontrollable, howling laughter, which led to tears in my eyes. My colleagues looked at me in confusion, and one after another slowly realised what she had just said.)

They Think It’s All Just A Game

, , , | Learning | March 8, 2019

(I’m part of the school’s Technical Crew, and I have to set up an information night which was expecting at least 600 parents. I show up early because I have nothing better to do, so the event is all set up and ready to go twenty minutes before the setup was intended to start. So, of course, having finished, I sit down to do homework. The teacher in charge comes in.)

Teacher: *sarcastically* “So, you’re done, are you?”

Me: “Yes, Ms. [Teacher].”

Teacher: “Really? What about the banners?”

(I look at the four banners, in perfect position.)

Me: “Right there.”

Teacher: “The computer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but whoever has it hasn’t brought it yet.”

Teacher: “You should still be testing to see if it works!”

Me: “How am I going to test it?”

Teacher: “Well, just do your tech crew thing and fiddle around with the electronics!”

Me: “Let me get this straight. You want me to test the projector and audio, without having anything to use to test it?”

Teacher: “Just use your phone.”

Me: “…”

Teacher: “Just plug it in!”

Me: “You do know that an aux cord cannot plug into an HDMI female end, right?”

Teacher: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “Would you plug a USB into a power outlet?”

Teacher: “No, of course not!”

Me: “Well, that’s more or less what you’re asking me to do.”

Teacher: “Fine, then. Sit on your games until we get the laptop.”

(I look at the notebook with writing in it. I look at the pencil in my hand. I look at the PowerPoint open on my iPad.)

Me: “You are seeing this, right?”

Teacher: “You Year 7s think I’m stupid or something?! I know that you’re gaming!”

(She storms off, leaving me wondering how exactly a tall — 180cm — guy like me looks like a kid fresh out of primary school. Later in the evening:)

Teacher: “How are things going?”

Me: “All good, but couldn’t we leave the door open in this room? It’s so hot!”

Teacher: “You’re young. You’ll live.”

Me: “Well, what about the free food that tech crew gets at all long or hard events like this?”

Teacher: “Forget about it! We really need to make a profit!”

(Later on, I checked the sausages. They sold literally hundreds of sausages, running out of sausages that they paid 1 AUD per box and sold for 3 AUD PER SAUSAGE. I never did another event for her again, nor did any of my comrades who were with me.)


Walk Me Through It

, , , , | Learning | March 5, 2019

(I am roughly eight years old. I have never been athletically gifted, and this is an example. In gym, we are playing a type of dodgeball where one of the rules is no running with the ball. I have just caught a ball and I start to run.)

Teacher: “[My Name], no running with the ball!”

Me: “Oh, sorry!”

(I start to walk very slowly.)

Teacher: “What did I say? No running!”

Me: “Is this still running to you?”

(I start to walk even more slowly.)

Teacher: “No, you can’t run with the ball!”

(Now I’m completely confused and just stand there, looking at her.)

Teacher: “When you are holding the ball, you have to stay in place; you can’t move around.”

Me: “Oh… that’s what that means.”

A Use Of Alarming Language

, , , , , , | Learning | March 1, 2019

(I have taught English for a few years in China. One of my classes is late at night and I have mostly young, working professionals in my class. Because the class is late, and we have all had full, busy days, this class can be quiet, and most are very tired.)

Me: “Okay, I’d like to go over the new vocabulary for this week. Are there any words that you need help understanding?”

Student #1: “I don’t understand ‘alarm.’ What does this mean?”

Me: “Oh! Great question! Does everyone remember antonyms? These are words that have opposite meanings.”

Student #2: “This is like cold and hot. They are opposite.”

Me: “Exactly. So, we all know what calm means, right?”

(The students all nod. I continue to explain calm, peace, and tranquility, and make my voice softer as I explain. Eyelids start drooping, and heads began to tilt while I continue.)

Me: “So, I want you to remember what this feels like, because you will all feel alarmed very soon.”

(I walk over to my metal desk and slam my hand on the top, making a large bang. All students are immediately wide-eyed and alert, hearts pounding.)

Me: “That feeling? What you feel right now? That is alarm.”

Students: *laughing nervously* “Oh, okay. I will never forget that!”

Me: “Excellent! What are other words that are similar to alarm?”

(At the end of the year, all of the students from that class told me that I had made English fun and more memorable than any previous teachers. They loved how they had gotten real practice and understanding of the new vocabulary rather than memorizing lists. Several also received promotions due to their improved English opening up new job opportunities for them!)

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