(I am a substitute teacher. Today, I have a class of first graders. It’s story time, and I’m reading a book about a sailor. One kid raises his hand and asks this question.)
Student: “Miss, if he lives over the ocean, and you can’t drive, how do you avoid the ducks?”
Me: “Take an airplane.”
(He accepted the answer and we continued reading.)
(I’m talking to my twelfth graders about how they need to do their work so they can pass my class and graduate.)
Student: “Can I come visit you after I—”
Me: *interrupting* “Yes.”
Student: “—die?”
Me: “What? No, you can’t come visit me after you die!”
Student: “But why not? I want to.”
Me: “There are no ghosts in my classroom! You can’t come visit me after you die!”
Student: “But—”
Me: *walks to the whiteboard and writes* “New classroom rule: you can’t come visit me after you die. So, now that we’ve got that cleared up…”
(I work as an IT technician for my college during the summer, and they are in the process of upgrading their phone system. I have replaced a certain older professor’s phone the previous day and left both a full manual of how to use the phone as well as a more condensed “how-to” pamphlet. Mind you, the phone is not difficult to use and works exactly like any other office phone. The professor in question calls the help desk.)
Me: “Hello, IT help desk. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
Professor: “Yeah, I need to know how to use the new phone.”
(I am confused, as he is calling on that very phone.)
Me: “Is there a certain feature you’re not sure of how to use?”
Professor: “I just need to know how to make calls on it.”
(I am very confused now.)
Me: “It should work just like your old phone, just pick up the handset and start dialing. You can check your voicemail by pushing the button that looks like an envelope.”
Professor: “Why are we changing them, anyway?”
Me: “Our old system is really outdated and is costing us a lot to maintain.”
Professor: “Well, who is paying for all these new phones?”
Me: “I’m not sure of what part of the budget it’s coming out of, but it will actually save us money in the long-run.”
Professor: “Well, we’re all dead in the long-run.”
Me: *speechless for the next full 30 seconds* “Umm, yep… Is there anything else you need?”
Professor: “Nope, bye.”
Me: “Have a nice day.”
(I’m the teacher’s assistant for a freshman biology lab class. I’ve worked with this professor for several years, and he’s as much my friend as he is my professor. Today’s lab is about running DNA on electrophoresis gels, which involves a lot of fairly hazardous chemicals. After the professor gets done explaining the concepts, he picks up one of the gels with his bare hands.)
Me: “Dude! Put some gloves on! Do you want to get cancer?!”
Professor: “Eh, whatever. I’ve already had all the kids I’m planning on having, and I figure I’m bound to get cancer, anyway, given how often I work with this stuff.”
(I face-palmed. I will say though, I’ve never seen so many freshmen scramble to get their lab gloves on that quickly!)
(As I am leaving a trumpet lesson, I sling my backpack onto my shoulders, followed by my trumpet case, which has a shoulder strap, and a messenger bag that I carry my music folder around in, since it is too large for my backpack. I now have a bag over each shoulder, in addition to my backpack. I make some little quip about how much stuff I had to carry, and my teacher chuckles.)
Teacher: “Ha. Yeah, you look like a suicide bomber.”
(Having no idea how to respond, I said something like, “Ha, okay,” and promptly left.)
