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Losing English Patience

, , , , , | Right | January 3, 2013

(I work at a sandwich shop across the street from a high school. I serve a lot of teachers who come over here for lunch.)

Me: “You want a turkey on white with tomato? That’s [price].”

Customer #1: “Oh, and can I have a bottle of water?”

Me: “‘Course!”

Customer #1: *scoffs* “I can’t believe you just said that. As an English teacher, I think I should tell you that saying that isn’t proper English.”

Me: *not sure what to say* “Um… sorry?”

Customer #1: “There you go again! Those are fragments, not complete sentences! All the other teachers who come in here would be ashamed.”

(The customer behind her speaks up.)

Customer #2: “Yeah, well, I’m a math teacher, and trust me, we don’t care.”


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Time To Teach Time Travel

, , , , , | Working | December 29, 2012

(I am a substitute teacher. This takes place on Picture Day, where all the kids go with their homeroom teachers to have school pictures taken. After about a quarter of my students have sat for their portraits and are sitting quietly near me while they wait for their classmates to finish, the principal comes into the room.)

Principal: “You need to take the students who are finished back to your classroom. They can’t just loiter in here.”

Me: “But I thought I wasn’t supposed to leave any student unattended.”

Principal: “That’s right.”

Me: “So, I have to walk each student, as they are finished, back to my classroom?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “And, then, return here to escort the next student?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(I proceed to escort the six to eight students who are finished back to my classroom. I then return to the cafeteria where portraits are being taken. Just then, the principal walks in, seemingly livid.)

Principal: “What did I tell you about leaving students unattended?”

Me: “I’m confused. I thought I was supposed to escort each student back to my classroom, and then return here for the next student.”

Principal: “Yes! That’s right!”

Me: “But, to do that, the students in the classroom would be left unattended.”

Principal: “Students should never be unattended!”

Me: “Then, should I stay in the classroom and tell students to just return to my room when the portraits are done?”

Principal: “What are you thinking?! Students should never be left unattended in the classroom, in the cafeteria, or in the hallways.”

Me: “Let me see if I am getting this right: I am supposed to be in the cafeteria throughout the time the portraits are being taken so the kids aren’t unattended in the cafeteria. I am also supposed to escort each and every student back to my classroom so they aren’t unattended in the hallways. Once I take a student back to the classroom, I’m supposed to stay there so that they aren’t left unattended in my room. Is that right?”

Principal:Yes! God, why is that so hard to figure out? At this rate, it’ll be a miracle if you don’t flunk out of your master’s program.”

Me: “So, tell me, how am I supposed to be in the cafeteria, in my classroom, and escorting students in the hallway all at the same time?”

Principal: “You are the teacher. That is your job to figure out. Now, get it done!” *storms off*

(I did my best to bend the laws of physics and reality to accomplish his directive, but it didn’t work. I ended up having to leave the students unattended in the cafeteria, where at least the adult photographer and school secretary were present. At the end of the day, I was relieved from my position as a long-term substitute teacher for “Endangering the safety of students by leaving them unattended.”)


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Algebrawwww

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 27, 2012

(I’m a math teacher at a small high school. My boyfriend is an English teacher in the same school. He often leaves me notes on the board in my room during lunch, so my students and I see them as we come in. One day, I get into my classroom and see that all of my students are sitting in their seats, waiting for me, which is odd. One of my students hands me a paper.)

Student #1: “Here! [Boyfriend] told us to have you solve this equation on the board.”

(The instructions are to “solve the inequality for i in terms of u.” I can guess where this is going. I figure it’s just another one of his notes.)

Me: “Okay, but we only have a few minutes before class starts.”

(I start to solve the problem, but as I get closer and closer to the end, I notice something’s off about the problem. My students start to snicker.)

Student #2: “Oh, my God!”

Student #3: “What? What’s wrong?”

Student #2: “He forgot that when you divide by a negative number, you flip the signs!”

(I finished the problem and laughed. The answer was “i<3u”. I turned around and saw my boyfriend on one knee in front of the class, a box in one hand and his head in the other. I said yes!)


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Like Two PIs In A Pod

, , , , , | Working | November 2, 2012

(I’m a math teacher and am sitting at lunch with another math teacher, a history teacher, and the guidance counselor.)

Other Math Teacher: “I read a great joke yesterday! What do you get when you cut the diameter from the circumference of a pumpkin?”

Me: “I don’t know, what?”

Other Math Teacher: “PIE!”

(He and I burst into laughter while the other two look at us oddly).

Me: “That’s great!”

History Teacher: “You two are losers.”

Me: “But we love it!”


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This “Real Man” Requires A Substitute

, , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2012

(I’ve just started a new job after having a baby a few months back. I’m a single mother. I am processing my first refund-to-gift-card transaction. I’m having a little bit of trouble with it, so I ask if they would mind if I called my manager.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. This is my first time doing this. Would you mind if I phoned my manager to ask him how it’s done?”

Customer: “Go figure! That’s what happens when we start hiring women! They can’t do anything right, can they? You ought to be barefoot pregnant in the kitchen, not taking jobs from hardworking men.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. I actually just started this job after having a baby.”

Customer: “So, you’re leaving a real man at home to look after your child while you take money for yourself?”

Me: *appalled* “If you’ll excuse me, sir, I’m just going to call my manager to ask him how the refund is done.”

Customer: “Go home to your b*****d baby! Leave the jobs to real men!”

(At this point, a tall, metal-ead-looking man with long hair, piercings, and ripped jeans approaches the counter behind the man. I recognize him as a teacher who substituted for some classes when I was in school. He speaks up.)

Substitute Teacher: “If all the jobs are for hardworking men, what the h*** are you doing here at two in the afternoon instead of working?”

(The customer turned white at the sight of him, gathered up his items, and ran off without getting his refund. I thanked the substitute with my first ever gift card transaction, and he took me out to dinner. He, my baby, and I have been a family ever since!)


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