Next Time Will Nose Better

| Right | August 6, 2015

(Due to my extreme social awkwardness, I am the bad customer in this story! I work in a call centre and am mentally programmed to use a certain phone manner. On this day, I am wandering along my local shopping strip when I decide I want to get my nose pierced. I walk into a tattoo parlour.)

Me: “Hi! I’m looking to get my nose pierced.”

Tattooist: “Oh, our piercer isn’t at work today, but she’ll be back tomorrow.”

Me: “Oh, that’s okay. Today is my only day off, but thank you for your help.”

(I walk outside and search for piercers on my smartphone. A location nearby shows up, and I call the number.)

Me: “Hi! I’m looking to make an appointment to get my nose pierced.”

Voice On The Phone: “Uh… our piercer isn’t working today.”

(I suddenly realise I’ve called the exact same shop I had just been into, and am now standing outside of in full view. I am so embarrassed that I panic and forget what to say.)

Me: “Oh… uh… thank you for calling! Goodbye!”

(I abruptly ended the call and turned to walk away, but accidentally made prolonged, awkward eye contact with the tattooist through the shop window before I finally left. At least I might have given him something to laugh about!)

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Not The Most Piercing Observation

| Right | May 15, 2015

(A lady has come in to get her tongue pierced. At the moment, she has been looking at jewelry while our lead piercer sterilizes her jewelry.)

Customer: “You guys have a lot of jewelry on sale!”

Me: “We certainly do. We switched to implant grade titanium and these pieces were left from before the switch.”

Customer: “That’s cool! I just don’t understand how someone could wear this piece. I feel like they would bite it.”

Me: “We’ve never had that problem. Mainly because it’s a belly button ring. “

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Don’t (Mi)Stress Over It

| Right | July 8, 2014

(Most of the clients are 18-year-old girls getting their navels done or university students wanting unusual cartilage piercings. It is a really friendly place with a good reputation. I get a call:)

Caller: “Hello? I was wondering if your studio has specific facilities?”

Me: “I’d be happy to help, sir. What kind of facilities—”

Caller: *cuts me off* “DON’T CALL ME SIR.” *in deadly serious whisper* “Call me mistress.”

Me: “Ah… yes, mistress?”

Caller: “That’s better. Is the studio sound-proof?”

Me: “No, mistress. I can’t say that it is.”

Caller: “I see. Does it have restraints?”

(The man in question goes on to ask an increasingly creepy list of demands. It turns out he’s a professional dominatrix and apparently people pay money to live with him and be his ‘slaves.’ Needless to say we weren’t what he was looking for, so I suggested he contact a few establishments located in the ‘sex industry’ areas of the city, who might be able to help.)

Me: “… anyway, mistress, to sum up for you, we just don’t do that sort of thing here. I hope [Other Business Names] will be able to assist you.”

Caller: *absolutely delighted* “Oh, you have been so helpful! Please, call me by my Christian name: Mistress Alexi!”

Boss: *after telling her all about it* “I’m pretty open-minded, but no way in h*** is there anything Christian about that!”

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Tit For Tat

| Working | October 18, 2013

(On my 21st birthday, I go to a tattoo/piercing parlor run by a husband and wife to get my first tattoo. Having participated in theatre all through high school, it has become a habit to wear a plain black tank top underneath my regular shirts. Note that I’m also a rather well-endowed woman.)

Artist: “So where did you say you wanted this done?”

Me: “Somewhere along here, on my clavicle.”

Artist: “Well if it’s that far up, then you won’t be able to wear a bra for the healing duration. With the, ah, weight it bears, it could stretch your skin and distort the tattoo.”

(I indicate lower down toward my breasts.)

Me: “Well, how about here?”

Artist: “Ah, that’ll work. Now… hmm…”

(He fusses with my shirt a bit, which is getting in the way, and finally he just tugs the collar down and rests his hand on my breast for a moment while trying to figure out if that would work.)

Me: “Oh, right, I’m sorry.”

(I sit up and start pulling my shirt over my head.)

Artist: “Whoa missy, whoa there!”

(I am sitting there with my tank top on, and my t-shirt off.)

Me: “Oh. I maybe should have warned you, huh?”

Artist: “Oh my god, give me a heart attack! I’m like, ‘My wife’s right here and you already paid.’ I appreciate the show and all, but, you know. Wait until the missus is gone.”

(His wife, the piercing artist, just sits back and laughs. I leave him a $10 tip.)

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These Customers Aren’t Even Faintly Sharp

| Right | October 8, 2013

(A female and male customer walk into my tattoo parlor.)

Female Customer: “Hi, I’d like to get my lip pierced, but I’m terrified of needles. Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Well, you could use [freezing cream] which would numb the skin and you wouldn’t feel a thing.”

Female Customer: “Hmm, I don’t think so. Just show me the needle and I’ll faint, and then you can do the piercing.”

Me: “Uh, I think that’s illegal.”

(As I say this, the female customer has apparently spotted some of our needles nearby still in their packaging, which she apparently has no problems with. Without warning, she grabs one, rips it out of its packaging and proceeds to faint on the spot. The male customer speaks up in her place.)

Male Customer: “Can’t you just do it now?”

(I proceed to call an ambulance. Thankfully the woman is fine. My coworkers and I still talk about it!)

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