Customers Don’t Know I Am Titanium

, , , , , | Right | June 3, 2019

(I’m a professional body piercer at one of the best studios in the state. We use the highest quality jewelry possible, and because of this, our prices are a little higher than most run-of-the-mill shops.)

Me: “Hello! What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I want to get my bellybutton pierced!”

Me: “Awesome! Let me just check your anatomy really quick and get your paperwork taken care of. Here is the jewelry we can use for that area. The piece is going to be dependent on the jewelry that you choose, so let me know what you like and I’ll let you know a price.”

Customer: “I like this one!” *pointing to a very nice double gem prong set piece in implant-grade titanium*

Me: “Very good choice! That piece will go with anything you wear! Now, for the jewelry and the piercing fee, your total will come to $95.”

Customer: “Are you trying to to f****** rip me off? I can get the same thing down the street for $30. I’m going to report you for scamming!”

Me: “Ma’am, our jewelry is the highest quality you can find, contains no nickel or lead, and has a lifetime guarantee.”

Customer: “$95 is a total scam! I’ll have you fired! I’ll have it so you never make another dollar in this town again.”

(At this point I’m, of course, a little irritated.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve already told you about the jewelry quality; add on me putting myself at risk with bodily fluids, I think $95 is a fair price. Feel free to go to the shop down the street. You are an adult. I don’t think we will be doing business together and I have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “F*** this place! F*** you, lady! You’re all a bunch of drug addicts and bums!”

(She did leave, but not after knocking down some award plaques we have displayed and breaking one. She did end up coming back a couple of months later with a terribly done navel piercing and begged me to fix it. Unfortunately, there was no way of fixing it and she was left with a nasty scar.)

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Gauging Your Favorite Color

, , , | Right | April 23, 2019

(I work in a body piercing store.)

Customer: “Can I have one of these, please?” *pointing to the display of different-sized tapers for stretching piercings to larger gauges*

Me: “Of course. What size do you need?”

Customer: “A blue one.”

Me: “…”

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They Are Infinitely Clueless

, , | Right | January 18, 2019

(It’s a running joke in the tattoo parlor where I work that customers don’t want to tell us what tattoo they want. This happens almost daily.)

Me: “Hello! [Shop], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. Uh, I want to get a tattoo.”

Me: “Wonderful! What kind of tattoo were you thinking of getting?”

Caller: “Just something small.”

Me: “All right. What kind of image were you thinking of?”

Caller: “Just, like, a little symbol.”

Me: “Any symbol in particular?”

Caller: “Like, a little symbol, just on my shoulder.”

Me: “Okay… What kind of symbol would you like?”

Caller: “Like, a little symbol, on my shoulder; how much would that cost?”

Me: “Well, that’ll depend on what kind of symbol you want for your tattoo, and how small you want it to be.”

Caller: “Well, like just a small, little symbol.”

Me: *face buried in hands* “Are we thinking about the size of a business card, the size of a quarter? Do you have a ruler, so you can check?”

Caller: “I want it, just… little. How much would that be?”

Me: “That depends; what kind of symbol do you want us to permanently tattoo on your body?”

Caller: “Do you guys know, like, the little sideways eights? How much for one of them?”

Me: *screaming internally*

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Tat For Brat

, , , , | Right | July 27, 2018

(Like most French tattoo parlours, we work only with appointments. A lot of customers want to get tattoos right here, right now, so we decide to have one “walk-in” day per week, on Tuesdays. Most customers perfectly get the idea, and everyone is happy about this. It is a Friday. A regular’s daughter, age nineteen, comes in.)

Customer: “Hi, I want to get a small tattoo. A small bow, on the ankle.”

Me: “Great! I’ll do it for [price]. Do you want to get an appointment, or do you prefer to do this next Tuesday?”

Customer: *seems confused* “I want to do it now!”

Me: “But we can’t do it now. We work only on appointments every day but Tuesday. That’s why your parents and you usually come here on Tuesdays, right?”

Customer: *looks dumbfounded, pouts like a baby, wide-eyed, and says with a baby tone* “But… I want it NOOOOW.”

Me: *confused* “But, [Customer], I can’t do it now. I have a customer right here waiting for me. We work only on appointments, every day but Tuesday.”

Customer: *not kidding at all, now leaning her head as if it would change my mind, saying in a desperate tone* “But… I wanted it… I wanted it TODAY!”

(She looks like she’s about to cry.)

Me: “I’m very sorry, but I really can’t. I’m planned all day, today and tomorrow. You can come back on Tuesday if you want.”

Customer: *leaving, mumbling* “That sucks. This place sucks. I wanted it. That’s not fair. I want it. I want it.”

Coworker: “What was that? Did she think that puppy eyes magically cancel your other appointments?”

(I was told the next week she eventually got her tattoo, in a famous tourist walk-in shop, for three times the price I asked. Some people can’t wait, I guess.)

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Give Them An Inch And They’ll Give You Nothing

, , , | Right | April 27, 2018

(It is my job to schedule appointments. When a client makes an appointment, I always ask about the kind of tattoo and how big they want it to determine how much time the artist will need to complete the service. Since all our prices are an hourly rate, this is important to note. This is a conversation I have with one client; it’s indicative of so many others.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tattoo Shop]. How may I help you?”

Client: “I want to get a tattoo of a rose.”

Me: “Okay, where on your body would you like to get this, and about how big?”

Client: “On my arm.”

Me: “Sure, and about how big of a rose?”

Client: “Medium. Small. Not big.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me an idea in inches?”

Client: “Medium.”

Me: “So, an eight-to-ten-inch rose stretching the length of your forearm? Or a three-to-four-inch one from your wrist? Or a two-to-three inch rosebud in the center?”

Client: “I don’t know. Normal size.”

Me: “I don’t need exact dimensions, just an idea so I know how much time we’ll need for this service.”

Client: “I don’t know inches.”

Me: *head-desk* “How about we just schedule a consultation first?”

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