I’m making small talk with a customer while I am applying a tattoo.

Me: “This is your fifth tattoo, yeah?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “So you don’t need me to explain the procedure of keeping the skin clean and how to avoid infection as the skin heals?”

Customer: “Yeah, you’re good. My skin heals super-fast anyway. Good genetics.”

Me: “That’s… cool. You must be descended from Wolverine!” *Laughs.*

Customer: “Oh, is that because if you go far back enough, we all came from wolves?”

Me: “Uh… that’s dogs. And I was talking about Wolverine, the character. The one who has super-fast healing?”

Customer: “Oh. I thought we all came from wolves. I hear that from my friends all the time.”

Me: “Maybe start fact-checking your friends…?”

A friend of mine is a licensed professional body piercer and runs his own studio by himself, no apprentices or other employees. His security cameras record both audio and video, and he sent me the footage from a recent incident; one is aimed inside the shop from a corner, while another is aimed outward to the sidewalk and parking lot by the door.

He was with a scheduled client one morning when a woman in her late 50s or early 60s walked in off the street.

Friend: “Hello!”

Lady: “Hi.”

His client stepped to the side so he could talk to the newcomer.

Friend: “How can I help ya?”

Lady: *Pointing to a facial piercing.* “I had someone put this in, but now I can’t get it out.”

Friend: “Did you need surgery or something?”

Lady: “No, I just want to take this out.”

Friend: “Okay… I mean, I can, but I have appointments booked today, so…”

He grabbed the appointment book on the desk and flipped it open.

Lady: “Well, alright, but I thought this was going to be a thirty-second thing.”

He briefly explained the complications and why it takes more time than that.

Lady: “Well, I don’t live around here, and I was going to come in here and spend my money in here, but…”

Friend: “Okay.”

Lady: *Agitated.* “I just wanted a little bit of help. That’s all.”

Friend: “I don’t understand why you’re upset right now.”

Lady: “Because I don’t live here, and I just want it out, and now I have to make an appointment. Will that be this afternoon?”

Friend: “You’re being super rude right now. I said I’ll look and see when I can do it.”

Lady: “I’m just asking when you can get this out of my nose.”

There is an awkward pause, and the client is watching them back and forth like a tennis match referee.

Friend: “Why are you being rude to me right now? I’m seriously baffled by your behavior.”

Lady: *Calmer.* “Can you look and see when your appointments are?”

My friend wordlessly walked over to his piercing station, put his hands down on it, and just stood there for a few moments, leaving her to gaze out the window. He returned to the reception desk.

Friend: “Today, I can do 2:15 PM.”

She scoffed, turned around, and walked out, leaving him and his client to process what had just happened.

On the way to her car, she raised her arm and started waving a middle finger at him. Next, she got into her car, drove around the parking lot, and pulled up at his studio’s window to wave the finger at him again. Predictably, she didn’t come back at 2:15 PM.

He was pretty p***ed afterward but super happy that he decided to let her know her attitude and rudeness weren’t okay.

The customer isn’t always right and deserves to be called out when they act this entitled.

A guy walks into the tattoo parlor. I’m prepping for my next appointment when he marches up to the counter.

Customer: “Yeah, I want a big eagle, full back. But I need it done by tonight. I got a pool party tomorrow, and I want people to see it.”

It takes me a while to realize that he’s serious.

Me: “Full-back eagle? That usually takes a few sessions to do properly. Healing alone is gonna take weeks.”

Customer: “No, no. I need it done now. I just need something that looks cool in photos. It doesn’t need to look good up close.”

I pause. The shop is quiet. Even the buzzing of the other gun fades a bit.

Me: “You want a lifetime commitment rushed for a twelve-second selfie?”

Customer: “I’m the customer and I’m asking for your service!”

I get my phone out.

Customer: “Are you scheduling me in?”

Me: “No, I’m looking for the nearest place that does temporary tattoos. We’re fully booked, so we can’t serve you today anyway, and it would be unethical to send you back out there without an alternative you won’t regret.”

Customer: “The f*** you talking about?”

Me: “No respectable tattoo parlor would ever honor your request, sir, but just in case they might, I have to suggest getting something temporary. What you’re asking for just can’t be done.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Other Customer: *In the middle of his session.* “You can’t microwave a masterpiece, man.”

He stormed out, muttering about finding a real artist…

I am trying to come up with a design for a memorial tattoo for my black cat, who was named after a popular movie character. I booked a session with an artist who just branched off a local shop to open his own place. When he was at the shop, he had excellent reviews and a beautiful portfolio of his works.

Artist: “Okay, so what do you have? This is a memorial, right?”

Me: *Handing over several photos.* “Yeah, my cat.”

Artist: “Boy or girl? Oh, just so you know, the base price is $400.”

I did not know this, as it was not on the website or anywhere in the appointment request. It seems like a lot of money, but this is also my first tattoo, so maybe I’m just unprepared?

Me: “Um… Boy.”

Artist: “What was he like?”

Me: “He loved laser pointers and never missed a meal. He always greeted me when I got home and just talked and talked until I sat down, and he would lie in my lap and purr. He was my little spoon when I watched TV. He—”

Artist: *Not paying attention.* “Uh-huh, he sounds like a great cat. What was his name?”

Me: “[Character’s Name], like—”

Artist: “—Nope.”

Me: “What?”

Artist: “Copyright laws. I can’t do a [Character] tattoo.”

Me: “I’m not asking you to do a tattoo about the character. I’m asking for a tattoo to memorialize my cat named [Character].”

Artist: “Sorry, can’t risk it. I won’t charge you for today, though.”

Me: “I don’t understand. People have Betty Boop tattoos and Mickey Mouse and—”

Artist: “I’m not doing it. You want to risk someone else going to jail, go for it. Get out.”

I gathered my pictures and left. I did some research and found that there is a fine line between copyright infringement and a tattoo that looks very, very, VERY similar to the character but has one small change that makes it a completely different design and thus not illegal.

I went to another artist a few weeks later who sat with me and designed a perfect, realistic-looking memorial for my cat. It only hurt a little bit – more like a relentless swarm of bees in one spot – and it turned out great. 

My total was about $250 for three hours. [Artist] is still in business, but a lot of his reviews have been about how he refuses to do common tattoos or charges insane amounts for very basic designs.

Two customers come into the tattoo parlor, and one of them reads the sign.

Customer: “It says here you don’t tattoo pregnant women?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “Why?”

I’m about to go into all the potential health risks, but before I can begin the customer’s friend explains:

Customer’s Friend: “You idiot. If you get a tattoo while pregnant, the baby will be born with the same tattoo!”

I am so shocked by this statement (said totally seriously) that I am actually silenced for a moment. This prompts the original customer to say:

Customer: “Oh yeah, makes sense. It probably goes through the um-pirical cord or something.”