Don’t Even Need To Ink About It

| Canada | Bad Behavior, Wild & Unruly

(I own a tattoo parlour with a highly sought after artist. He has a very unique style, and often has clients who come from all over the world to get tattooed. This means he’s booked months, even years, in advance. He doesn’t do walk-ins, and only accepts projects that he feels will let him expand as an artist. He also keeps a cancellation list with secondary projects that he will accept if a spot opens up. He’s courteous enough to accept all consultations, but generally doesn’t add anyone to his list. One Monday, our consultation day, a girl in her early twenties comes in asking for a consultation.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m here for a consultation with [Artist]. He’s expecting me.” *smiles smugly*

Me: “Actually, we don’t make appointments for consultations, but [Artist] should be done with his current consultation soon, so you’re more than welcome to wait. Do you have a particular design in mind? One of our other artists might be able to handle it.”

Customer: *rolls her eyes* “Um, no. I want to be tattooed by [Artist]. He’s got something special already planned for me.”

Me: “Ah, okay. Well then, feel free to sit down and wait.”

(We get this a lot: people trying to weasel their way into his schedule, claiming they know him, he’s a friend, he’s already designed it, etc. He’s told us to just send the people back through to him rather than creating a scene at the front desk.)

Customer: “Can I book my appointment first, though? I want [Date and Time].”

Me: “I’m sorry; [Artist] likes to make all the appointments himself. He’s very selective about who he works with. He’s actually fully booked for the next 15 months, but we might be able to put you on the cancellation list if he likes your idea.”

Customer: *rolls her eyes* “Whatever. I already told you he’s got something special for me. He’ll book me for [Date and Time].”

(I realize I’m not going to get anywhere with this girl, so I show her to the waiting room and give her a consultation form to fill out. I also shoot Artist a text warning him about his next consultation. About 15 minutes later, the girl storms out of Artist’s office, screaming profanities at Artist.)

Customer: “You’re such a f****** asshole! Do you seriously think you’re so good you can reject my idea?! I’m PAYING you to do that, so YOU WORK FOR ME! F*** you! I’m going to f****** ruin your reputation! No one will want a tattoo from you after I’m done! F*** YOU AND YOUR S***TY SHOP!”

(She slams the front door so hard she manages to crack the glass.)

Me: “Geeze, [Artist] what did you tell her?”

Artist: “The truth. I told her I’m fully booked, and I didn’t like her idea. She refused to discuss other ideas, so I told her I didn’t want to work with her. If someone’s a pain in the ass during the consult, they’re going to a nightmare during the actual appointment. Not worth the headache.”

(Later we discovered she had left very negative and very rude reviews on our Facebook page and Yelp. However, due to Artist’s outstanding reputation, she was promptly told off by many of his clients. She has also been blacklisted at many of the tattoo shops around the city.)

These Customers Aren’t Even Faintly Sharp

| Canada | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(A female and male customer walk into my tattoo parlor.)

Female Customer: “Hi, I’d like to get my lip pierced, but I’m terrified of needles. Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Well, you could use [freezing cream] which would numb the skin and you wouldn’t feel a thing.”

Female Customer: “Hmm, I don’t think so. Just show me the needle and I’ll faint, and then you can do the piercing.”

Me: “Uh, I think that’s illegal.”

(As I say this, the female customer has apparently spotted some of our needles nearby still in their packaging, which she apparently has no problems with. Without warning, she grabs one, rips it out of its packaging and proceeds to faint on the spot. The male customer speaks up in her place.)

Male Customer: “Can’t you just do it now?”

(I proceed to call an ambulance. Thankfully the woman is fine. My coworkers and I still talk about it!)

They Have Trouble Written All Over Them

| GA, USA | Family & Kids, Underaged

(I own a tattoo parlor in a small section of the downtown area. I won’t tattoo anyone who is drunk, or even if I suspect they have been drinking. This takes place the day after I turned away someone who didn’t even look old enough to get a tattoo, let alone drink. They return with what appears to be a parent.)

Young customer: “That’s the b**** who wouldn’t give me a tattoo last night!”

Older customer: “Is that true?”

Me: “Yes.”

Older customer: “Well, why the h*** not?”

Me: “First, she had no ID. Secondly, she was drunk.”

Older customer: “So what? There is no excuse for you not giving her a tattoo. Haven’t you heard that the customer is always right?!”

Me: “We don’t tattoo drunk people. Also, if you have no ID, I can’t tattoo you.”

Older customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you then.”

Young customer: “Here’s my ID now, d***!” *throws the ID at me*

Me: Uh huh, so you’re sixteen, and you are who to this person exactly?”

Older customer: “Her father!”

Me: “Right. Well, I’m just going to go ahead and call the police.”

Older customer: “Do that! I’ll have you arrested!”

Me: “For what, exactly? Refusing to give your drunk underage daughter a tattoo? You do realize that her drinking is against the law, don’t you? If someone is getting arrested today, it won’t be me.”

Older customer: “I’ll teach you! I’ll kick your a**!”

(The older customer attempts to hit me, but I’ve been around long enough that I know how to defend myself. I quickly react in defense, knocking him onto his rear end, much to his shock.)

Me: “This will go one of two ways. You can get the h*** out of my parlor, or I can throw you out of it. And if I ever see either one of you around here again, the police will be the least of your worries. Am I clear?”

(The older customer grabs the younger one by the arm, and bolts. I haven’t seen them in the area since.)

Weekend Roundup: Caught Red-Handed

, , , , | Not Always Right | Roundups

Caught Red-Handed! There’s nothing quite as sheisty as customer trying to pull a fast one—and nothing quite as satisfying as catching one red-handed!

  1. Caught Red-Handed:
    A sneaky customer gets called out by another customer—who just happens to be an employee!
  2. Piercing Observation:
    Underaged customers FAIL, basic biology WIN.
  3. Caught Brown Handed:
    Proof that some trails of evidence are self-evident, salty and sticky!
  4. Tripped Up:
    If customers are gonna cry child abuse, they’d better “step” up their game!
  5. A Squeaky Clean Record:
    An employee takes it easy on a young (and very squeaky) scammer.

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

What’s “Bad Liar” In Asian

| Toronto, Canada | Top, Underaged

(Two obviously underaged girls walk into my tattoo parlor.)

Girl #1: “We want to get our names in Asian writing.”

Me: “Asian writing–you mean like in kanji? It doesn’t really work that way. You’d have to get someone to translate it as best they can and then bring it in to us.”

Girl #2: “Can’t we just tell you our names and you write them in Asian?”

Me: “No, I’m a tattooer and unfortunately don’t have a second job as a translator. Also, how old are you?”

Girl #1: “I’m…16. You have to be 16 to get tattooed right?”

Me: “Only if you also have a copy of your ID and parental consent.”

Girl #2: “Uh…we don’t have our IDs. They got stolen. Can’t we just call my mom?”

Me: “No.”

Girl #1: “What if we really promise not to tell?”

Me: “No. ‘Really promise’ doesn’t exactly meet health board requirements.”

Girl #2: “There’s a board for health?”

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