She’s Not The Sharpest Item In The Luggage

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: SELF-HARM

I work as a security guard, screening passengers at the airport.

A lady is pulled over for a bag check because a knife is seen on the X-ray of her carry-on luggage. The knife in question turns out to be a pâté knife. For those readers who are unaccustomed to fine food, there are two kinds of pâté knife: a blunt one and one with a sharpened edge for slicing cold meats.

I pull the knife out of her bag, and guess which type it is?

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but this is sharp so you can’t take it.”

Passenger: “It’s not sharp!”

Me: “No, it’s definitely sharp, so you can’t take it, sorry.”

At this point, like lightning, the lady reaches over the counter and snatches the knife.

Passenger: “IT’S! NOT! SHAAARP!”

She punctuated each screamed word by slashing at her wrist with the knife. On the third stroke, she sliced her wrist deeply.

The knife was confiscated.

I’m certain that she’ll have a nice scar to remind her to behave better in future, especially since she refused any treatment, opting instead for a wad of paper towel which quickly got soaked.

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So Much For Smooth Sailing

, , , , | Friendly | February 8, 2021

I’m sailing with my dad and his friend on his friend’s boat. We’ve spent the night on his boat in a nice little bay and are now sailing back up the channel toward where he docks the boat. I’m at the helm and he’s telling us entertaining stories from when Hobart was a penal colony. We’re currently sailing directly toward a beach.

Me: “So… are we going to turn around soon?”

Friend: “Wait… what? This isn’t right. Where’s the channel?!”

He disappears below deck to check the GPS while I wait anxiously. He comes back up laughing.

Friend: “So, you know how I told you I don’t need the GPS to navigate the channel because I know it like the back of my hand? Yeah, I got too cocky.”

Turns out there are two islands in the channel: one parallel to it and one perpendicular to it. Both have the exact same profile, and we came in at just the right angle for him to confuse the perpendicular island for the parallel one and throw us wildly off course. Dad still mocks his friend for the mistake.

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Another Day, Another Airhead

, , , , , | Working | December 31, 2020

I work at a pharmacy. I’m on the phone with an employee from another pharmacy to get a document regarding one of our mutual patients faxed across.

Employee: “What’s your fax number?”

Me: “Do you have your pen handy?”

Employee: “Sure, do! I always have two things in my hand. One is my pen.”

Me: “Uh, okay, so—”

Employee: “The other is air, just in case you were wondering.”

Me: *Laughing* “I wasn’t gonna go there, but thanks for clarifying!”

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What Did They Think “Sales Call” Meant?

, , , , , , | Working | December 7, 2020

I’ve just answered the phone.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Pharmacy], [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hi, this is [Caller] from [Unintelligible Company]. I’m calling to tell you about the prices of our printer cartridges.”

Me: “Thanks, but we’re happy with our supplier already and we don’t want to buy any more cartridges.”

Caller: “Oh, don’t worry, sir; this isn’t a sales call. I just want to tell you about the prices of our printer cartridges.”

Me: *Pause* “That is literally the definition of a sales call and we are not interested.”

He hung up.

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Just Put In A Coffee Vending Machine And Be Done With It

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2020

The name of my shop has one word in it which could also be used in the name of a café; let’s say it’s “Mug.” However, my shop is not a café, it does not look like a café, the window display is definitely retail, and there is no café equipment, no counter, no food, no menus, not even a table or chair. This happens way too often.

Customers: “Is this a café?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer #1: “Why not?!”

Customer #2: “Well, it should be!”

Customer #3: “Where I am supposed to get my coffee now?!”

Customer #4: “You have books, so you should be serving coffee.”

Customer #5: “Using that word is really misleading. You need to change your business name.”

Customer #6: “When are you going to put a café in?”

And [Customer #7], pushing past me to go up the stairs behind the counter:

Me: “Where are you going?”

Customer #7: “Upstairs.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer #7: “That’s where the café is!”

Me: “No, that’s where I live.”

Customer #7: “Are you sure?”

Me: “…”

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