Never Sausage An Unhealthy Thing Before

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 4, 2018

One of my colleagues is a naturopath and health nut. She’s noticed that I have a certain fondness for hot chips/fries and often buy them for lunch, and she’s taken to telling me how unhealthy, fatty, salty, etc. they are, in a vain attempt to improve my diet.

One day, just for a change, I decide to buy a sausage roll for lunch. My colleague notices this and proceeds to lecture me on how much worse this is for me, because of how many carbs are in the pastry and how much fat is in the meat.

The next day I buy chips again. I show them to my colleague and tell her that I went with the healthier option.

The horrified and appalled look on her face was priceless, and was well worth the earful she gave me!

Knows How To Push Your Button

, , , , , | Related | July 3, 2018

(My 16-year-old son has been home by himself while I’m at work.)

Son: “Hi, Mum. I washed the clothes.”

Me: “Thanks. Hang on, the wet clothes are still in the machine.”

Son: “Yeah, I didn’t hang them out.”

Me: “But I loaded the machine.”

Son: “Yeah, I know.”

Me: “So, what you are telling me is that you pushed a button.”

Son: “Yup.”

Me: “I’m a little underwhelmed by your commitment to helping with housework.”

(My son grinned and exited.)

You’re Boxing Me In Here

, , , , , | Healthy | June 27, 2018

(At my pharmacy, we commonly take orders by phone so that a customer’s medications can be ready to collect when they arrive. This phone order, however, is a little different.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [Pharmacy]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to order some medications, please.”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Customer: “I can’t remember what they’re called, sorry.”

Me: “That’s okay. We can figure it out. Do you remember what they’re for?”

Customer: “No, sorry. But they come in a box…”

Unfiltered Story #115170

, , | Unfiltered | June 21, 2018

(My 16-year-old sister – a goth with a somewhat twisted sense of humour – is applying for her first job. As a result, our mother – who had recently had surgery on her ankle – convinced me to drive them to the bank so that she could get an account in her name (up until this point, she had just used a debit card connected to one of our father’s accounts). At this point, all that is left to do is for my sister to choose what colour she would like her debit card to be – blue, black or pink. It is also worth noting that my sister (for some reason) was wearing a pink singlet with a band’s album cover on it that day.)
Employee: So… all we have to do now is select what colour you’d like the card to be. We can do pink, if you’d like.
(A look of something between dread and disgust flashes across my sister’s face.)
Sister: …No thanks. What other colours are there?
Employee: Um… there’s blue or black.
Sister: I’ll have the card be black then. Just like my soul.
(Cue everyone within earshot cracking up laughing)

Breathe Easy… But Don’t

, , , , | Working | June 12, 2018

(Our laptops have loud security alarms attached to prevent theft, but they are overly sensitive and regularly set off accidentally. An alarm has just been set off, and I hurry over to deactivate it.)

Me: “Ah, don’t panic; let me fix that for you!”

Customers: “Oh, did we set that off?”

Me: “Did you breathe on them?”

Customers: “Uh… Yes?”

Me: “Then yes, you did.”

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