Will Make It Your Pet Project

, , , | Working | September 11, 2017

(My grandfather has just died, and my aunt is calling up her synagogue to see about putting a death notice in the newsletter. A lady who works in the office answers the phone.)

Aunt: “Hi, my dad just passed away, and I’m wondering, do I need to do anything to get a death notice in the temple newsletter, or will it happen automatically?”

Office Lady: *confused* “Hold on, let me check.”

(The office lady puts my aunt on hold and comes back a few minutes later.)

Office Lady: “I’m sorry; we don’t normally print death announcements for pets.”

Aunt: “EXCUSE ME?”

Office Lady: “You said your dog died, right?”

Aunt: “No, I said my dad died.”

Office Lady: “Oh, I am so sorry! Not to worry; we’ll print the notice automatically. You don’t need to do anything. And again, I’m very sorry about the mix-up!”

Aunt: “That’s okay; I needed a laugh right now.”

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Aryan Totally Had Your Back

, , , , | Learning | May 31, 2016

(When I was young I went to Hebrew School every Tuesday and Sunday – it was a bit like Sunday school but for Jews. However, I am only Jewish on my mother’s side of the family, and therefore don’t look particularly ethnically Jewish. During this lesson, we are discussing the Holocaust.)

Teacher: “So the Nazis believed in a superior race called ‘Aryans’ – the ideal Aryan would have straight, blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin…”

(My class full of dark, curly-haired students all slowly turn to stare at me – the perfect example of what my teacher just described.)

Me: “Um… I would have totally smuggled you guys out.”

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Not Much Between The Temples

| Right | November 19, 2010

Customer: “I need to speak to the person in charge!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m the only one in the office right now. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “There’s no Jesus memorabilia in your display cases!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a temple. Maybe you’re looking for the church across the street?”

Customer: “I know this is a temple you dumb b****! All temples need Jesus in them. Otherwise, how is this a house of worship?”

Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to calm down, there’s a preschool class next door. And Jews don’t believe in Jesus as being a–”

Customer: *yelling* “What?! What the f*** do you mean you don’t believe in Jesus our Lord? How long has this been going on?!”

Me: “I’d say a good thousand years prior to Jesus, ma’am.”

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