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“The Lion Fell In Love With The Lamb” Does Sound Better

, , , , , , | Related | February 15, 2022

When I was fifteen, I (very regrettably) fell on the “Twilight” bandwagon when it was first released. My parents were asking about this book I was suddenly obsessed with.

Dad: “So, [My Name], tell me about this new book.”

Me: “It’s about a vampire that falls in love with a human.”

Dad: “Doesn’t he want to eat her?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what it’s about. He loves her so much that he doesn’t eat her even though he really wants to.”

Dad: “So, it’s like me falling in love with a roast dinner.”

Ap-Parent-ly, This Cashier Has Met Some Lazy Parents

, , , , , , | Working | January 18, 2022

I was looking after a friend’s child and had three of my kids with me, so I had a double pram, one child on a scooter board on the back of the pram, and the tiny baby in a sling. I needed to go to this kitchenware store as something essential for cooking dinner had broken and needed replacing.

It was one of those stores where the entire stock and then some is out on the floor. There are huge, teetering piles of saucepans and boxes of drinking glasses all over the place and the cashier is right at the back. It’s dangerous for someone in my position, but the kids were being awesome and I was feeling positive.

I told all the kids to keep their hands in the pram and explained that we’d do this quick shop and then head to the playground. I then carefully navigated my way through the maze to the desk.

I spoke to the cashier, found what I wanted, and was about to pay when one of the kids picked up something small from the huge pile of tempting, colourful trinkets at the counter.

Me: “Oops, [Kid], put that back down, please.”

She put it down, immediately, without my having to intervene.

The cashier snapped loudly, right at the two-year-old:

Cashier: “You don’t touch things in here or you’re going to be in big trouble! I’ll be very, very mad if you touch!

Me: “Um… I’ll do the parenting, thank you. I think we’re done here.”

I started to reverse my load back through the maze, putting my wallet back in my bag and leaving my item on the bench.

Cashier: “What? It’s my shop! How about showing me some respect?!”

Me: “Ah, how about showing your customers some respect? We won’t be shopping here again.”

She kept shouting after me until we were out of sight. Passersby were staring.

Luckily, the supermarket next door had what I needed. That shop has had about five “closing downs” and “reopened with new management” in the last few years. I still can’t bring myself to go back.

Making A Meal Out Of It, Part 7

, , , , , , , | Right | January 11, 2022

I’m taking a man’s order at the register. I repeat everything back to him because we’re both wearing masks and he’s particularly hard to understand.

Customer: “I’ll have two sausage and egg muffins.”

Me: *While putting in the order* “Okay, just two muffins?”

Customer: “And two hash browns.”

Me: “Two muffins, two hash browns.”

Customer: “Yes. And a coffee.”

Me: “A medium cappuccino?”

Customer: “No. Large.”

I change his order in the register to be one meal, and then an extra hash brown and an extra muffin. This will save him at least $2. He is checking the order on the customer-facing display as I enter it.

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll put that in a meal for you; it’s a bit cheaper that way. The total’s $17.25.”

I explain what I am doing so he will know to order it that way next time, instead of just changing it myself and not telling him.

Customer: “No! I do not want a meal! All I want is what I told you.”

Me: “Sir, what you’ve ordered makes up a meal. It’s the same items but a bit cheaper for you.”

Customer: “A meal will be more expensive! I do not want a meal!”

Me: “A meal will save you a few dollars. It’s the same food but cheaper.”

Customer: “I. Do. Not. Want. A. Meal.”

Me: “Okay, if you’d prefer to pay a bit more for it, I can change it back. Your new total is $19.80.”

Customer: “Oh. Do it the other way, then.”

I was just trying to help him pay less next time he orders, but honestly, I don’t know why I bother sometimes.

Making A Meal Out Of It, Part 6
Making A Meal Out Of It, Part 5
Making A Meal Out Of It, Part 4
Making A Meal Out Of It, Part 3
Making A Meal Out Of It, Part 2

This Is One Substitute Who’s Really On The Ball

, , , , , , , | Learning | December 9, 2021

I am certainly not athletic and I am on the chubby side so I can’t even fake the appearance of someone athletic. I am also not particularly coordinated in general, and it is relevant to know that I am left-handed.

I was a casual (substitute) primary school teacher a few years back. While I didn’t want to be the kids’ friend per se, it doesn’t hurt to be known as the fun casual so long as they respect you and you can still get the work done. What I didn’t realise is that being the cool casual was even better. 

I was on lunch duty, strolling the sports field where kids of all ages were busy playing various games. Across came many of the “cool kids” from the class I was teaching for the day, about ten eleven-year-olds. They were chatting to me about various pleasantries when the notorious “bully” of the year shouted, “Heads!”

This all happened in a millisecond. The girls screamed. A couple of the boys shouted, “Miss, look out!”

I looked up. A tennis ball was hurtling towards my head, incredibly fast.

I lifted my right arm. I caught the ball right before my face.

Ten or so jaws dropped to the ground and then immediately burst into chatter. Everyone was congratulating me and asking if I used to be in the Olympics and so on. One of them asked, “How on earth did you do that?”

Being in some sort of twilight zone where I was actually cool, not to mention witty enough to say the right thing at the right time — which I really am not normally — I turned to them with a serious face and said, “That’s nothing. I’m actually left-handed.”

And that’s the story of how I accidentally became the cool teacher who held the best record for keeping the difficult class on task.

The Loneliest Tampons

, , , , , , | Working | December 2, 2021

Our little, independent, local supermarket has a shelf near the checkout for items marked down: things close to the use-by date, things with slightly damaged packages, weird things that clearly no one wants. (Most Australians remember the “Lamington-flavoured chips” debacle.)

There has been, on this shelf, for six months now, an opened packet of tampons with one missing. It’s only marked down to about 10% of its original price.

I know it hasn’t just been forgotten because I see them tend to the shelf often.

Seriously, how are they so cheap that they think they are actually going to sell an open packet of tampons and profit a tidy $2.50? What is their end goal here?

I have asked the teenage cashiers who work there a few times, because I just find it fascinating, and they just shake their heads and say, “I know, I know.”