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He Really Had NOTHING To Hide

, , , , , | Working | March 30, 2021

I have just left a department store and am a couple of metres from the entrance when there is the sound of the door security alarm going off. I stop and turn to make sure it wasn’t me that set it off, but I am too far away to have done so. There is a man in shorts and a T-shirt who has stopped between the sensors with a staff member approaching him, and there’s another worker at the service counter who looks to be a manager.

Manager: “Check that guy.”

Man: “I don’t have anything on me.”

Worker: “He’s not carrying anything. Why would it go off?”

Manager: “Because he stole something, that’s why. Check him.”

False accusations are highly illegal. The man is outraged but holds his anger.

Man: “You can’t accuse me like that.”

He holds out his hands to show he’s carrying nothing.

The manager ignores him and again tells the worker that he has to have hidden something to set the alarm off and that he will call the police.

The man is pissed.

Man: “I have not stolen anything and will prove it.”

He undoes the front of his shorts, drops them, and steps out of his shorts in just his T-shirt and underwear.

Man: “Come on, search me. You call the police and I’ll be pressing charges.”

The manager turns and quickly goes back into the store.

Man: “Yeah, gutless wonder, run away.”

He put his shorts back on and gave the gaping worker a death stare before stomping off.

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The Only Thing Scarier Than Creative Writing

, , , , , , | Learning | March 29, 2021

I’m in an English Studies class and the teacher is known for his jokes and sarcasm. We’ve just done a creative writing task based on an image prompt, and we’re discussing one of the stories.

Teacher: “Have you ever broken a bone?”

Student: “Yeah. My leg, playing football.”

Teacher: *To me* “Have you ever broken a bone?”

Me: “I do parkour, so… many.”

Teacher: “I’ve only ever broken one.” *Absolutely serious* “It wasn’t mine.”

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Dressing Down The Price

, , , , | Right | March 23, 2021

I work in a clothing store with a target audience of mothers and their families. Our clothing is fairly cheap but is actually good quality. We get a fair number of elderly people because of the suburb I’m in.

I’m cleaning up the sleepwear section which is next to the plus-size ladies’ section. I see an older woman seeing how a dress would look on her. As part of customer service, we’re told to ask customers if they need assistance.

Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: *Seems very disappointed* “This dress is no good. I want this one but it’s broken, see?”

She shows me that there are “missing buttons” at the top of the dress. I’m not exactly sure how to break it to her that she’s wrong.

Me: “Um, that’s part of the design.”

Customer: “No, no, it’s broken. I have to get it tailored. And the stitching is so messy, too.”

She shows me the back’s stitching which is slightly gathered… part of the design.

Me: “I’m so sorry about that. Would you like me to grab another one for y—”

Customer: “There’s none there. They’re all size twenty and I need eighteen.”

Me: “I can have a look—”

Customer: “No. There’s none left. Can you give me a discount for this? It’s all broken and I have to get it tailored.”

Me: “Um, I can ask my manager for you?”

Customer: “It’s okay. I’ll ask them at the registers.” *Walks away*

Sometimes when there are a lot of customers waiting, they’ll call up someone from the shop floor to help serve, so they call me up. On the way there, I decide to see if the customer was correct and that there were no size eighteens left. Turns out, there is one other size eighteen. I bring the dress with me. I walk up to the registers and the first person I serve is the woman.

Customer: “I need a discount for this; it’s broken. It should be around $20 now.”

The original price is $30. Conveniently, my manager just walks behind the counter.

Me: “[Manager], can you help this customer?”

Manager: “What’s wrong?”

The customer tells her what she told me and demands $10 off. I show my manager the other size eighteen I found and show her and the customer that it’s designed like that.

Manager: “I can give you 10% off.”

Customer: “How much is that?”

Manager: “It will be $27.”

Customer: “Can’t you make it $20? I need to pay for tailoring now because of bad making.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, I can only give you 10%”

The customer decided she didn’t want the dress.

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Cash Is King, Princess!

, , , , , , | Right | February 18, 2021

I work in a $2 store that has pretty much everything you could ever need at relatively low prices. We also have a $5 minimum on EFTPOS transactions, meaning that customers have to pay in cash for small transactions. Most people are very understanding about this and either decide to leave the items or go and grab something else. We have a lot of little items that range from about $2 to $5 on the counter for this reason.

One day, a lady comes up to me with a foil tray, generally used for barbecues. I ring it up and the total is $4.50.

Customer: “I’ll pay on card, please.”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but we have a $5 minimum for EFTPOS. If you like, there are several—”

Customer: *Interrupting* “What? That’s ridiculous! I don’t have any cash on me! Look!”

She waves her purse in my face.

Me: “I’m really sorry, ma’am, but there’s nothing I can do as it is store policy. As I was saying, a lot of the smaller items on the counter are very cheap—”

Customer: “This is unacceptable! How can you expect everyone to carry cash on them? Get me your manager!”

The line is beginning to back up, and there are now five or six people waiting. I call my coworker to help me on the other register and grab my manager, quickly explaining the situation.

Manager: “Good morning, ma’am. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “This lady here says you have a $5 minimum on EFTPOS transactions.”

Manager: “Yes, that is correct.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have cash, so I need to pay by card. You need to do this for me.”

Manager: “I’m really sorry, but we do have a $5 minimum on EFTPOS transactions, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. If you like, I can—”

As he’s speaking, the lady spins on her heel and walks out without a word, leaving her tray on the counter.

Me: “Well, that is one way to make an exit!”

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I Don’t Work Here: Home Edition

, , , , , | Right | February 9, 2021

I’m in a hardware store, looking for a lock for a shed I’m working on, wearing my usual blue Tradie shirt with a pink hi-vis vest, both covered in my pink and black logo. The staff all wear red shirts and dark green pants and aprons.

Customer #1: “Excuse me. Can you help me with the chains in the next aisle?”

Me: “No worries. What do you need to know?”

Customer #1: “I just need three meters of this one here.”

Me: “Oh, you’ll have to grab a staff member to measure and cut it for you. I don’t work here. I thought you just wanted to ask about the different types.”

Customer #1: *Walks off in a huff*


Customer #2: “Miss, which gloves would you recommend for gardening?”

Me: “Okay, so if you’re doing light gardening I’d go for these ones here, but if you’re doing heavier stuff I’d get these; they’re pretty durable and they’re reinforced so you won’t accidentally stab yourself with anything spiky.”

Customer #2: “Thank you. You deserve a raise!”

Me: “I’ll be sure to give myself one.”

Customer #2: “I’m sorry?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t work here. Have a good day.” *Walks away*

And on a separate occasion, I’m wearing the same outfit in a homewares and clothing store, looking at vacuum cleaners. Their staff wear dark blue pants and light blue shirts with the store logo.

Customer #3: “Can you point me to wrapping paper?”

Me: “I’m honestly not sure, but there’s a lady near the entrance who can help you.”  *Points*

Customer #3: *Realising* “Oh, you don’t work here.”

Me: “No. Apparently, I just have a friendly face. Have a good one!”

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