Give The Stork The Receipt

, , , | Related | October 24, 2017

(When I was three years old, my brother was born. Initially I was pleased to have a baby brother. But at some point he got on my nerves, and I said to my mum:)

Me: “Can you please put him back?!”

Stripped The Request Down To The Basics

, , , , | Right | September 29, 2017

(During the Winter World Championships, I work at a hotel as a night porter. Because of the championships, quite a few guests come to the hotel drunk as they’ve been partying. It’s about 1:15 am, and two drunk guests in a company arrive. I open the door for them.)

Guest #1: “Hey, do you know where [Manager] is?”

Me: “Uh, she’s sleeping.”

Guest #1: “Where is she sleeping?”

Me: “In a bed?”

Guest #1: “No, in what room is she sleeping?”

Me: “Um, she’s not working now. I’m having the night shift right now. Do you want the key to your room?”

(They do, and I give them the key.)

Guest #1: “And can you send [Manager] up to our room?”

Me: “Why? Is there something wrong? Has something happened?”

Guest #1: “No, we just—”

Guest #2: “Hey, do you live here?”

Me: “No, I live in [Neighbouring Town].”

Guest #2: “Where in [Neighbouring Town] do you live? Do you know of any strip clubs over there or here in town?”

(I look at him for a moment, not sure if he’s joking or not.)

Me: “Uh, I don’t visit them, so I wouldn’t know.”

Guest #2: “Can you look it up for us?”

Me: “Uh—”

Guests #2: “Oh, and I’d like to buy a bag of [Cheese Snacks].”

(I ring him up, and the transaction goes smoothly.)

Guest #1: “Oh, and if you meet [Manager], can you ask her if she knows of any strip clubs around here?”

Me: “I don’t think she’ll know much more about those than I do. But I guess I can ask her…”

Guest #1: “See that you do.”

(Both guests left for their room, leaving me to debate if I should, in fact, look up any nearby strip clubs, and if that was why they wanted to speak to my boss.)

Mother Might Need To Be Enlightened On The Subject

, , , | Related | September 24, 2017

(My mother really likes Buddha statuettes. She has been talking about how much she likes them and how much she wants one, when one of our local stores sends out a flyer that shows a couple of Buddha statuettes they will be selling next week. I bring the flyer to my mother to show her.)

Me: “Hey, [Store] is going to be selling Buddha statuettes next week.”

Mother: “I know. I really like them, but I can’t afford to spend that kind of money.”

Me: “Which one do you like the most? The one with the spiky thing on its head or the one without?”

Mother: “I like the one with the spike the most.”

(A few days pass and then Monday arrives. On my way home from school I walk into the store in question, find the statuettes, and get the one my mother said she liked the most. I place it on her desk once I’m home and then immediately go to my room to take a nap. A few hours later, my mother wakes me up for dinner. I go join my parents in the kitchen.)

Mother: “How did you pay for that Buddha?”

(I’m a bit surprised, as I don’t understand what she’s asking, and I had expected her to seem at least a little bit happy with the statuette.)

Me: “Um, with money?”

Mother: “Your money or my money?”

Me: “My money.”

Mother: “So, how much do you want from me?”

Me: “What?”

Mother: “How much do I owe you?”

Me: “Nothing. It’s a gift.”

Mother: “Oh. Well… Thank you!”

(I have no idea why she thought I would have paid for it with her money, or how I would even get my hands on her money. At least that explains why she didn’t seem happy at all at first. After dinner I heard her happily announce, “I have a Buddha!” to herself from time to time, so I know she appreciated the gift after all.)

Unfiltered Story #94407

, , | Unfiltered | September 24, 2017

(I’m working the reference desk of a small branch library. So small, in fact, that it’s just the one room crammed full with shelves. An older gentleman I have never seen before comes in and approaches me.)

Patron: Hello, I’m looking for some books.

Me: Sure, which ones can I help you find?

Patron: No, I mean in general. Do you have books here?

Me: Umm… (I make a sweeping motion with my hand, indicating the shelves around us, very clearly full of books.) Yes. This is a library. Books are what we have.

Patron: Great! Now I know.

(He immediately exits again and I haven’t seen him since.)

When Grammar Nazi Jokes Are Inappropriate

, , , , | Learning | September 19, 2017

(I am in a German class. My teacher is very old, and is supposed to have retired a couple of years earlier, and even has a bad reputation for slacking among the other teachers.)

Teacher: “You guys are lucky I like you. Back when I was teaching at [Different School] I had one class with a lot of students I didn’t like, so I taught them the wrong grammar on purpose.”

Page 5/7First...34567
« Previous
Next »