A Cold Attitude To Your Order

, , , , | Working | August 6, 2018

(During a heavy snowfall, I go with a Tinder date to the epitome of first date destinations: a coffee shop. This is during the mid-winter months, and the shop is having a special deal on a Holiday-themed milkshake. The barista asks everyone ordering if they are interested in trying this.)

Me: *as it’s finally my turn to order* “Hi! I’d like a chicken sandwich and a large iced coffee with hazelnut, please.”

(The barista looks at me like I’m crazy.)

Barista: *snorts* “Really? Iced coffee?” *pause* “Have you noticed the weather outside?”

(Apparently it’s weird to order a cold drink other than milkshakes.)

Free License On How You Want To Pay

, , , , | Right | July 26, 2018

For work and school reasons, I have been up since two am after no more than an hour of sleep, since I had trouble falling asleep. I’m in school to become a truck driver and am tagging along in a truck to see what the work is like. It’s around 11 am and, despite having slept some in the truck, I am a zombie.

We stop at a gas station to grab some snacks and I’m about to pay. I’m looking through my wallet to find my card. I find it, pull it out, stick it in the machine, and start punching in my pin. The cashier starts to giggle ,and that’s when I realize I’m trying to pay with my drivers’ license.

I say, “Oops, wrong card.” I put it back in my wallet and start looking for the correct card. I find it, yank it out, and put it in the machine. The cashier doubles over laughing and I realize I used my license again.

What Happens When You Kill Spider-Man’s Dog

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work in a library. A patron approaches the counter with a DVD.)

Patron: “Is this Spider-Man?”

Me: “No, that’s a movie called Spiderwick.”

Patron: “Oh… Well, my son wanted Spider-Man; do you think this will be all right?”

Me: “Well, it’s a completely different movie, so I couldn’t tell.”

Patron: “Yeah, well… it has spiders in it, at the very least. Also, it says I can have the movie for a week, but would it be okay if I return it tomorrow, instead?”

Me: “Well, sure.”

Communism Is An Uphill Struggle

, , , | Working | June 11, 2018

(I have the greatest boss ever. He is over seventy years old and has owned and run part of a theme park for about forty years. I am driving the tourist train fully loaded with people up a very steep hill, and have to stop in the middle because someone has left a wheelbarrow right in my path. After the wheelbarrow is moved, I can’t get the train moving again, since it is full of people and going up a steep hill.)

Me: *calling my boss, slightly stressed out* “I can’t get the train up the hill!”

Boss: “It’s all right. Just ask everyone to get off and walk up the hill, and then drive the train up when it’s empty so they can get on again at the top of the hill. I’m sending [Coworker] to help you.”

(At the end of that day, he is comforting me because I thought I had really messed up when I got the train stuck:)

Boss: “A lot of people have gotten stuck on that uphill with the train, actually. I got stuck there in the seventies when I was driving Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party. But I just asked them to get out and walk up, and they thought it was fun!”

(That turned out to be true!)

The Biggest Plague In This Store Is You

, , , | Right | May 16, 2018

(I’ve just been getting over a nasty cold. I am still a little worn out and have a bit of a runny nose. Because of this, I have tissues with me and take care to use them if I need to. This takes place while I’m looking for dish soap and other cleaning products.)

Old Woman: “Excuse me, you need to leave!”

Me: “What? Why?”

Old Woman: “You’re disgusting, spreading disease all over the store; I will report you for this!”

(The woman then follows me around for five minutes, ranting and insisting I’m going to infect her, that I’m sickening and that I need to leave. I start out by interjecting several times that I have tissues with me, that I’m not really sick anymore, and that I’m just looking at cleaning products and not touching or being near food. She eventually leaves before quickly coming back with a confused-looking worker.)

Old Woman: “Here she is. Make her leave!”

Worker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What is it you’d like me to do?”

Old Woman: “She is filth. She’s been infecting the entire store, rubbing snot everywhere, and she will make me sick and I might die. Tell her to leave!”

Worker: “I can’t; she’s not doing anything wrong, ma’am.”

Old Woman: “I will file a complaint. I will have your job! And YOU!” *turns to me* “You make me sick and I hope you die.”

Me: *finally fed up* “Lady, shut up and leave me alone before I blow my nose on your ugly f****** jacket.”

(The worker started laughing, and the old woman left, screaming about how filthy I was and how I was going to kill everyone around me.)

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