My family’s store was closing down due to low profits and was selling the locale to the ice cream shop next door, which was very popular. As I was there, helping to pack out the locale, we took a break and went next door to buy some ice cream. They were very friendly and helpful when some customers walked in and ordered ice cream.

Ice Cream Man: “There you go. Now, we will close down next week as we’re moving in next door, but we open again the week after that.”

Customer: “You’re closing down? Why?”

Ice Cream Man: “Well, we are moving in next door; it is bigger and customers will be able to sit down and eat their ice cream.”

Customer: “You’re moving?! Where?!”

Ice Cream Man: “Next door.”

Customer: “But I can’t walk that far to get my ice cream!”

Ice Cream Man: “I’m sorry to hear that, but it is right next door.”

Customer: “This is unbelievable. You shouldn’t move. Is it not going well here?”

Ice Cream Man: “Yes, we are very popular which is why we need a bigger locale.”

Customer: “You’re betraying your customers! Now, where are the chairs? I want to sit down.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to speak to your managing director, please.”

Me: “Our managing director is deaf and prefers to be contacted via email. I can give you the address if you’d like?”

Caller: “No, I need to speak with him directly; it’s regarding a limited-time offer. When is a good time to call back?”

Me: “You can call back any time you want; she will still be deaf.”

I finally graduated as a licensed optician this year, and seeing as I have a love for storytelling, of course, I take every chance I get to ask my new coworkers about the weirdest or dumbest customers/patients they’ve encountered. So far, this story I heard from one of the sales assistants absolutely takes the cake, although I do have a close runner-up, as well.

A woman comes in, complaining over something regarding her contact lenses. My coworker asks some general troubleshooting questions: how often do you change your contacts, do you sleep with them, are you cleaning them properly? That last question is where it all goes south.

Patient: “Of course, I clean them, but that cleaner you sold me doesn’t work very well, so I just use dish soap, instead.”

Coworker: *Pauses* “You use what now?”

Patient: “Yeah, dish soap and water. See, the cleaner doesn’t get the contacts clear enough; I still see all blurry when I put them back in. The dish soap makes them much cleaner.”

Coworker: *Absolutely dumbfounded* “You can’t… do that. Your eyes could get really badly damaged from that. Please don’t. You need to use the cleaner that your optician recommended for you.”

Patient: “Well, I still think the dish soap works better.”

Lady, how have you, for your entire life, missed the glaring labels on every single dish soap ever telling you NOT to let it come in contact with your eyes?

I’m the author of this story.

I’m in a meeting with a guy from the IT department, trying to sort out a security program for our public computers. The IT guy, being a professional IT guy who mostly works with other professional IT guys, is having problems understanding the average patron’s IT skills.

In the middle of my meeting, one of my coworkers knocks on my door.

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], one of the public computers won’t connect to the Internet. You need to come and fix it.”

Me: “Did you check that all the cables are connected?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you try to reboot it?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, we’re in luck today because [IT Guy] is here. I’m sure he’ll be able to figure out this emergency.”

We all march out to look at the computer. I immediately spot the problem. 

Me: “Well, would you look at that? The network cable has been disconnected. Didn’t you say you checked them?”

Coworker: “Well, I can’t be expected to know how to do that!”

She wanders off. The IT guy turns to gape at me.

IT Guy: “Wow.”

Me: “Yep. And she’s supposed to be an information specialist. I rest my case.”

Related:
How Do These People Operate Their Cars To Get To Work?!

The library where I work is also an early voting station. In the last election, the staff were volunt-ordered to act as election workers alongside our usual duties. That meant that in the three weeks leading up to election day, we had to explain how voting works to many, many people who were doing it for the first time, either because they had just turned eighteen or because they had just become citizens. Most of them were happy and polite.

Then, there are always people who just want to cause trouble.

A voter comes up to my desk and hands me a folded ballot.

Voter: “Here, I’m voting for [Party]!”

Me: “Your ballot needs to be in a sealed envelope, and you’re not allowed to fold it. There are envelopes in the voting booths over there. Just take a new ballot, put it in an envelope, and seal it, and then I can accept it.”

Voter: *Very loudly* “Are you saying you’re not letting me vote?”

Me: “You can vote to your heart’s delight, but your ballot needs to be turned in correctly. Even if I put your folded ballot in the urn, it’s still not going to be counted on election day.”

The voter is now loud to the point where other voters and library patrons are beginning to stop what they’re doing and stare at us.

Voter: “My vote won’t be counted?! It’s because I’m voting for [Party], isn’t it? You won’t accept my vote for [Party]! This is election fraud! I’m going to report you to the election committee!”

Me: “Please quiet down; you’re disturbing the other visitors. You’re welcome to vote for whatever party you want, as long as your ballot is unfolded and in a sealed envelope.”

Voter: “No! You’re going to accept my vote for [Party] here and now! I want to watch you put that in the urn, right now, or I’m reporting you!”

Me: “Okay. I just need you to understand that if I put your ballot in the urn as it is, it will not be a valid vote and it will not be counted on election day.”

Voter: “Put it in! I want to watch you put it in!”

Me: *Completely fed up at this point* “All right, I’m putting your invalid ballot in the urn. I need you to be aware that this vote will not be counted. If you want to cast a proper vote, you can do so at any early voting station in the country until election day or at your assigned voting station on election day. NEXT!”

Voter: *Smugly* “People like you are all going to lose their jobs when [Party] wins!”