Slaves R Us

, , , , , | Right | August 9, 2018

(I am shopping at my workplace on my day off.)

Public Announcement: “[My Name] to Cash, please. [My Name] to Cash.”

(Confused, I go to the cash register where I was summoned.)

Coworker: “This customer needs help with something.”

Me: “Uh, you do realize I’m not working today, right? I’m not even in uniform.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, [My Name], but he insists that it must be you who helps him.”

Customer: “Come on, man! It’s just one little thing! You can help me!”

Me: “Nope, I’m not here to help you. I don’t work for free.”

Customer: “That attitude isn’t going to take you very far! If you worked at my company, you wouldn’t last very long!”

Me: “You’re right. I wouldn’t work for a company that operates on slave labor.”

(And with that, I walked out the door. I’ll admit that was a bit snarky of me, but strangers who waste what little free time I have are one of my biggest pet peeves.)

Don’t Want To Go Through This Cycle Again

, , , , , , | Working | July 1, 2018

(Management recently received a memorandum from the head office regarding internal theft. They have held a meeting to discuss the newly implemented policy.)

Manager: “When your shift ends, one of the managers or supervisors needs to check your belongings before you leave. This includes but is not limited to purses, jackets, backpacks, and whatnot.”

(Most of my coworkers let out a disappointed sigh. I, on the other hand, remain quiet and keep my poker face on. True to my manager’s word, at the end of my shift, he approaches me for a bag check.)

Manager: “Okay, [My Name], I just need to check your belongings now.”

Me: “Oh, sure, no problem!”

(I should mention here that unlike most of the staff, I don’t commute by car or bus. I ride my motorcycle to work.)

Me: “Okay, here’s my bag.”

Manager: *checks bag*

Me: “And I’ll just take my jacket off. Make sure to check every pocket, including the hidden ones.”

Manager: *checks jacket*

Me: “And here’s my helmet.”

Manager: *checks helmet*

Me: “Oh, whoops, I forgot to take off my chest and spine protectors.”

Manager: *checks protectors*

Me: “Here are my gloves.”

Manager: *checks gloves*

Me: “How about my boots? Who knows what can fit in there?”

Manager: *checks boots*

Me: “All right, anything else?”

Manager: “I think that’s everything. Okay, you’re free to go. Have a good night, [My Name]. Ride safe now.”

(We go through this routine for about three more shifts. On the shift after that, however…)

Me: “All right, I’ve clocked out. I guess it’s time for-“

Manager: “No!”

Me: “But what about internal theft?”

Manager: “I don’t care! Get the h*** out of here, [My Name]!”

Me: “Okay, good night!”

(So, just like that, they made a special exception for me because it was too exhaustive to actually enforce the policy. This policy eventually became discontinued because my coworkers protested that it was unfair that I was the only one exempt from searches.)

That Pita In Her Place

, , , , , | Related | June 29, 2018

(I’m nine years old, and we are living with my granddad because we’ve moved into the city from abroad. Mum has put a pita bread in the toaster while scolding me, and has turned her back to the toaster. After a point, I see something very wrong.)

Me: “Mum…”

Mother: “Look at me, young lady!”

Me: *seeing smoke, more nervous* “Mum…”

Mother: “Look at me!”

Me: *seeing flames* “MUM! THE PITAS ARE ON FIRE!”

(My mother shoves me into the front room while she contends with it. My sister comes down into the front room.)

Sister: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “Mum was too busy telling me off to notice that there was a fire behind her.”

Sawing Through Excuses

, , , , , | | Working | May 25, 2018

(At our store, we’ve had a string of returns for “defective” lawn equipment, with many customers reporting that the product they purchased “stopped working.” The reality is, most of these returns are the result of a very common user error, and my manager is very fed up.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this chainsaw. It stopped working.”

Me: *taking one quick look* “Okay, sir, I’ll call my manager over to authorize the return.” *paging* “[Manager] to cash, please.”

(I see my manager walking over to my register. As soon as he sees what is sitting on my counter, I can see his blood vessels starting to swell up.)

Manager: “Okay, and what seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “This chainsaw no longer works.”

Manager: “Well, let me guess: You forgot to mix the gasoline with oil, didn’t you?!”

(This is the very common user error I was talking about. However, I know for a fact that this isn’t the case for this particular return.)

Me: “[Manager], calm down. This is an electric chainsaw.”

Manager: *much more cheerful* “Oh, um, then I guess it’s legit. Okay, let’s process this return!”

About To Have A Technological Meltdown

, , , , , | Working | March 22, 2018

(I come into my workplace on my day off to do some shopping. I get everything I need and head towards the exit.)

Me: “All right, I’ll see you guys next week!”

(Not even one step outside, and I feel a firm tug at my sleeve.)

Manager: “Hold up! I need you to help this customer!”

Me: “I’m not even scheduled today. What do you want?”

Manager: “I’m an old man and I know nothing about modern technology! Please don’t leave me with this customer!”

(The customer and I shared a laugh at my manager’s remark, and I stayed for an extra few minutes to assist in the electronics aisle. This type of incident has happened at least two more times.)