It’s A T(r)ap

, , , , , | Working | October 11, 2018

(I’m walking up to the Skytrain station so I can begin my commute for the day when I overhear this exchange between a station employee and a passenger struggling to get through the gates into the station. There appears to be a problem with the passenger’s transit card.)

Employee: “So, it looks like you tapped your card twice by accident; that’s why the gate wouldn’t let you through.”

(The employee uses his card to let the passenger through.)

Passenger: “Okay, thank you.” *walks into the station*

(The gates close behind the passenger, and the employee taps his card again to let himself through. The display lights up red, telling him his card has already been tapped.)

Employee: “Great, now I’m stuck.”

A Good Friend Helps You Bury A Body; A Great Friend Digs Them Up

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2018

(I’m talking to a colleague about a house that my parents looked at, but didn’t get. It’s just past a graveyard and is suspected of having pauper’s graves on the land.)

Me: “My parents would’ve liked to extend the place, but they’d be denied planning permission because of the high chance of digging up an unmarked grave.”

Colleague: “A friend of mine has the correct authority to exhume and move a grave; I could’ve asked him for a favour.”

Me: “I doubt he’d do 100 as a favour.”

Colleague: “Oh…”

(I told this story to my dad, who told me that the estimated body count on that land had gone up tenfold since I first heard it.)

Slaves R Us

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2018

(I am shopping at my workplace on my day off.)

Public Announcement: “[My Name] to Cash, please. [My Name] to Cash.”

(Confused, I go to the cash register where I was summoned.)

Coworker: “This customer needs help with something.”

Me: “Uh, you do realize I’m not working today, right? I’m not even in uniform.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, [My Name], but he insists that it must be you who helps him.”

Customer: “Come on, man! It’s just one little thing! You can help me!”

Me: “Nope, I’m not here to help you. I don’t work for free.”

Customer: “That attitude isn’t going to take you very far! If you worked at my company, you wouldn’t last very long!”

Me: “You’re right. I wouldn’t work for a company that operates on slave labor.”

(And with that, I walked out the door. I’ll admit that was a bit snarky of me, but strangers who waste what little free time I have are one of my biggest pet peeves.)

Don’t Want To Go Through This Cycle Again

, , , , , , | Working | July 1, 2018

(Management recently received a memorandum from the head office regarding internal theft. They have held a meeting to discuss the newly implemented policy.)

Manager: “When your shift ends, one of the managers or supervisors needs to check your belongings before you leave. This includes but is not limited to purses, jackets, backpacks, and whatnot.”

(Most of my coworkers let out a disappointed sigh. I, on the other hand, remain quiet and keep my poker face on. True to my manager’s word, at the end of my shift, he approaches me for a bag check.)

Manager: “Okay, [My Name], I just need to check your belongings now.”

Me: “Oh, sure, no problem!”

(I should mention here that unlike most of the staff, I don’t commute by car or bus. I ride my motorcycle to work.)

Me: “Okay, here’s my bag.”

Manager: *checks bag*

Me: “And I’ll just take my jacket off. Make sure to check every pocket, including the hidden ones.”

Manager: *checks jacket*

Me: “And here’s my helmet.”

Manager: *checks helmet*

Me: “Oh, whoops, I forgot to take off my chest and spine protectors.”

Manager: *checks protectors*

Me: “Here are my gloves.”

Manager: *checks gloves*

Me: “How about my boots? Who knows what can fit in there?”

Manager: *checks boots*

Me: “All right, anything else?”

Manager: “I think that’s everything. Okay, you’re free to go. Have a good night, [My Name]. Ride safe now.”

(We go through this routine for about three more shifts. On the shift after that, however…)

Me: “All right, I’ve clocked out. I guess it’s time for-“

Manager: “No!”

Me: “But what about internal theft?”

Manager: “I don’t care! Get the h*** out of here, [My Name]!”

Me: “Okay, good night!”

(So, just like that, they made a special exception for me because it was too exhaustive to actually enforce the policy. This policy eventually became discontinued because my coworkers protested that it was unfair that I was the only one exempt from searches.)

That Pita In Her Place

, , , , , | Related | June 29, 2018

(I’m nine years old, and we are living with my granddad because we’ve moved into the city from abroad. Mum has put a pita bread in the toaster while scolding me, and has turned her back to the toaster. After a point, I see something very wrong.)

Me: “Mum…”

Mother: “Look at me, young lady!”

Me: *seeing smoke, more nervous* “Mum…”

Mother: “Look at me!”

Me: *seeing flames* “MUM! THE PITAS ARE ON FIRE!”

(My mother shoves me into the front room while she contends with it. My sister comes down into the front room.)

Sister: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “Mum was too busy telling me off to notice that there was a fire behind her.”

Page 1/3123
Next »