Cause For Pregnant Pause

| London, England, UK | Friendly | July 3, 2016

(I am pregnant. There isn’t any significant weight gain on the rest of my body, so unless you could see my stomach you wouldn’t think I am pregnant. I am around eight and a half months pregnant and I’m picking up some shopping at the supermarket.)

Me: *minding my own business walking down the aisle*

Colleague: *loudly, from behind her* “You lying b****!”

Me: *turns around, showing my pregnant belly, and recognises my colleague* “Oh, hi, [Colleague]. Were you shouting that at me?”

Colleague: “Oh! I heard you were pregnant but you don’t look it from behind so I thought you were making it up to get paid leave.”

Me: “Well, thanks for saying that, but—“

Colleague: “Yeah, you just look like a fat b****!”

(Two weeks later, almost exactly nine months, my baby was born at 8lbs 5oz. Thanks to that rude coworker I decided to change my career and now am a practitioner at a special needs primary school!)

Addressing The Shifty Drug Problem

| MI, USA | Working | June 29, 2016

(I’ve been attempting to find a job for some time now, and at long last got an interview at local supermarket chain. Everything goes well and I’m called back for a follow-up. I am dealing with a new person this time. We’re reviewing my application, on which they asked for my current address and all previous ones, and on which I’ve informed them of my class schedule – something they will need to work around for me to take the job.)

Interviewer: “So, you live at [incorrect address]?”

Me: “No, that was my last address. I’m currently at [correct address].”

Interviewer: *looking at me like I’m an idiot* “Mhm… You know, you don’t have to lie. If you don’t know where you live, that’s all right.”

Me: *incredulous* “Uh, I’m sorry? Your system seems to have had a slight clerical error. It’s that address right there.”

(I gesture to the correct address on the computer screen behind them. They’re unfazed.)

Interviewer: “Uh-huh. So you don’t know where you live. Let’s move on.”

Me: “Okay, hold on. I have it on my state ID.”

(I pull it out and show them the address. They don’t look at it.)

Me: “See? It’s [correct address].”

Interviewer: *not paying me any attention* “Yeah. So can you work [shift I made quite clear that I cannot work on every day I said I was unavailable]?”

Me: “No, I put it on my application that I have classes from [early in the morning until an hour after they wanted me to start] on those days. Could we try a shift on [days I can work]?”

Interviewer: “I think that’ll be all for now. I think you’ll do fine, and we can discuss shifts later. For now, I want you back here in a week for a drug test.”

Me: “Er, all right…?”

(I leave and go out to my grandmother in the car.)

Grandma: “So how’d it go?”

Me: “They wanted me to work [unworkable shift] and then told me because their system got my address wrong, that I didn’t know where I lived.”

Grandma: “They what!? How could you not know where you live?”

Me: “I know, right? I mean, where do they think I came from to get here?”

(Needless to say, I didn’t show up for the drug test, nor did I take the job!)

Gives New Meaning To ‘Sweet Embrace’

| Ashford, Kent, UK | Right | June 21, 2016

(I’m working in the bread aisle of a supermarket when a couple in their mid-30s approaches me.)

Male Customer: “Excuse me, mate, do you sell chocolate body paint at all?”

Me: “I am afraid we do not sell such an item here, sir.”

Male Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame. I was going to lick it off her tonight.”

(At this point the female customer picks up a bottle of honey.)

Male Customer: “Oh, god, no. We’re not using honey. It get’s stuck in my moustache.”

(After giving the couple directions to the local sex shop I saw them again twenty minutes later. The male customer looked at me with a beaming grin as he proudly showed off the chocolate yoghurt in his hand.)

Gourd-ing Yourself Against Bad Jokes

| Brighton, England, UK | Right | June 16, 2016

(I just popped in to get some items in my local supermarket and this is my awkward conversation with the cashier.)

Cashier: “Did you find everything all right?”

Me: “Yes, yes, thank you.”

(By this point I had loaded up some chocolate, ice cream, yogurt etc. on to the conveyer.)

Me: “Huh looks like a lonely-girl’s-night-in purchase!”

(The cashier gave me a weird look, so I assumed they didn’t get my joke. I finished up the transaction in silence and started to walk home. It wasn’t until I got home and unpacked that I realised the reason the cashier gave me a funny look. I bought a cucumber. Safe to say I didn’t step foot in there again for quite some time!)

Does A Good Job Of Making A Fool Out Of Himself

| UK | Right | June 13, 2016

(I work in a supermarket that is in a mainly ethnic area. One night, a man has done his shopping and is doing what he wants while I and a colleague chat and have a laugh. He suddenly turns around and walks up to my coworker.)

Customer: “Are you making fun of me?!”

Coworker: “Erm, no, I’m just talking to [My Name].”

Customer: *getting more angry* “YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE A FOOL OF ME?!” *proceeds to swing his arms and flip over the cart of groceries he had just brought and leaves the supermarket*

Me: “What the f*** was that about?”

Coworker: “I don’t know, but he does that every time he comes here.”

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