Gives New Meaning To ‘Sweet Embrace’

| Ashford, Kent, UK | Right | June 21, 2016

(I’m working in the bread aisle of a supermarket when a couple in their mid-30s approaches me.)

Male Customer: “Excuse me, mate, do you sell chocolate body paint at all?”

Me: “I am afraid we do not sell such an item here, sir.”

Male Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame. I was going to lick it off her tonight.”

(At this point the female customer picks up a bottle of honey.)

Male Customer: “Oh, god, no. We’re not using honey. It get’s stuck in my moustache.”

(After giving the couple directions to the local sex shop I saw them again twenty minutes later. The male customer looked at me with a beaming grin as he proudly showed off the chocolate yoghurt in his hand.)

Gourd-ing Yourself Against Bad Jokes

| Brighton, England, UK | Right | June 16, 2016

(I just popped in to get some items in my local supermarket and this is my awkward conversation with the cashier.)

Cashier: “Did you find everything all right?”

Me: “Yes, yes, thank you.”

(By this point I had loaded up some chocolate, ice cream, yogurt etc. on to the conveyer.)

Me: “Huh looks like a lonely-girl’s-night-in purchase!”

(The cashier gave me a weird look, so I assumed they didn’t get my joke. I finished up the transaction in silence and started to walk home. It wasn’t until I got home and unpacked that I realised the reason the cashier gave me a funny look. I bought a cucumber. Safe to say I didn’t step foot in there again for quite some time!)

Does A Good Job Of Making A Fool Out Of Himself

| UK | Right | June 13, 2016

(I work in a supermarket that is in a mainly ethnic area. One night, a man has done his shopping and is doing what he wants while I and a colleague chat and have a laugh. He suddenly turns around and walks up to my coworker.)

Customer: “Are you making fun of me?!”

Coworker: “Erm, no, I’m just talking to [My Name].”

Customer: *getting more angry* “YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE A FOOL OF ME?!” *proceeds to swing his arms and flip over the cart of groceries he had just brought and leaves the supermarket*

Me: “What the f*** was that about?”

Coworker: “I don’t know, but he does that every time he comes here.”

Some Very Door Evidence

| AZ, USA | Friendly | June 10, 2016

(I am about to head home from grocery shopping. I am going into my car about to leave and am confronted by the lady parked next to me.)

Lady: “You hit my car with your door!”

Me: “No, I didn’t.”

Lady: “Look at this scratch! I just got a car wash!”

Me: *opens car door all the way and it isn’t even close to reaching her car*

Lady: “Whatever…”

Slicing Salami But Talking Baloney

| Tallahassee, FL, USA | Working | June 7, 2016

(I am getting some sliced meats and cheeses at the deli counter, and the woman working is pleasant enough but very slow. After a few minutes, she calls over another, just-off-break worker to take over my order, which was (at this point) slicing a quarter pound of salami. The following exchange ensued as part of the process:)

Second Worker: “A quarter-pound? I don’t know what that is!”

First Worker: “Zero-point-two-five.”

(Externally I remained The Thinker, but internally I was performing The Picard Facepalm.)

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