Needs Baaaaaaacon…

| USA | April Fool's Day, Zombies

(The zombie apocalypse has just begun. The supermarket I work at is being looted by the survivors and I decide to join in. As I’m filling up my bag with canned goods a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I need bacon.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Customer: “Yes, seriously! I demand to eat bacon! I will NOT start the zombie apocalypse on common canned goods.”

Me: “Well, then, try the meat section. Now if you don’t mind, I–”

Customer: “I already tried the meat section, stupid! It’s empty! I need you to go into the back and get me some!”

(I am so shocked by this customer’s attitude that I have no response. Then I realize the back does contain more canned goods that I can use, so I decide to play along and go look for his bacon. I get to the back and I see the door has just burst open with some ravenous zombies. Luckily they don’t see me and I sneak back out on to the shop floor, only to be confronted by the customer.)

Customer: Well?! Where is my d*** bacon!”

Me: “You know what, sir? There’s so much bacon back here I couldn’t carry it all. But it’s all free so why don’t you go back there and help yourself?”

Customer: *eyes light up* “Really?”

Me: “Sure! Knock yourself out.”

Don’t Believe In The BRAAAINZ

| S-Mart | April Fool's Day, Zombies

(I’ve had a long shift at a busy register and I can’t wait to get home.  The boss starts closing down the store, while telling everyone that zombies are running amuck outside.  My bagger and I look at each other.  The boss has been known for his silly humor, so we just roll our eyes and shrug it off.)

Me: *on automatic*  “How are you today? Do you have your [Store] savings card?”

Customer: “BRAAAIIINZ.”

Me: *scanning things from his cart* “Yeah, the boss is such a joker.  Who’d really believe there are zombies?”

Customer:  “BRAAAIIINZZ!”

Me: “Ok, sure.  So, do you want the milk bagged or just put in your cart with a sticker?”

Customer: “BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIINZZZZ!”  *he reaches a hand towards my head*

Me: *moving to avoid the hand* “Very funny, sir.  Your total is [total].”

(The customer slides his debit card and punches in the PIN.  I hand him his receipt.)

Me: “Have a good night, sir, and watch out for the ‘zombies’!”

Customer: “BRAAAAINZ!”

(That customer was one of the last ones out.  Shortly after, I left, although my boss tried to stop me while still going on about zombies.  I ignored him and was promptly bitten.  BRAAAINZ!)

Canned Response

| Landis Supermarket | April Fool's Day, Zombies

(I’m working at the customer service desk with my coworker.  For some reason, the customers keep making the same request…)

Customer #1:  “Brains!”

Me: *as we only carry canned pork brains* “Aisle four, bottom shelf next to the Spam.”

(Customer #1 wanders off.  The phone rings and I answer it.)

Customer #2: *to my coworker* “BRAAINS!”

Coworker:  “Aisle four, on the bottom shelf next to the Spam.”

(Customer #2 says nothing and walks away.  My phone call ends just as the boss comes behind the customer service desk.)

Boss: “[My Name], would you go back and check on the stock room? I called back there a half hour ago for them to do a restock on aisle four.  What is with this run of canned meat today?”

(I go back into the stock room, which is practically destroyed.  Boxes are torn open, and cartons and cans are thrown everywhere.  None of the people scheduled to work stock are there, and the back door is wide open.  I call the customer service desk and ask for the boss.)

Me: “Boss, I don’t know what happened, but it’s a disaster back here!  Nobody’s here and all the boxes have been ripped open.”

Boss: “OK, I’ll head back to help you.”

(He arrives a couple of minutes later.)

Boss:  *looking around*  “Holy s***, what a mess!   Hey, see if you can find the boxes of brains, okay?”

Me: “Brains?!”

Voice: “BRAAAINS?”

(Boss and I look up to see someone or something shambling at us, looking half dead and drooling.  We get the heck out of there, and barricade and lock the door behind us.)

Me: “Ok. Now what?”

Boss: “Now we call corporate.  I’m not paid enough to deal with a trashed stockroom AND a zombie invasion. Let them figure out what to do!”

(Corporate told him another shipment of brains was on its way. We’re still not sure just how they meant that.)

A New Excuse To Have Baggage

| Grangemouth, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money

(Recently, a new law has come in where all retailers have to charge 5p for a bag. This happens on the first day it becomes law.)

Me: “So, that’s £40 altogether…”

Customer: “Can I get a couple of bags?”

Me: “Yeah, that’ll be another ten pence. Is that okay?”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “No, that isn’t okay! Since when did you lot start charging for bloody bags?!”

(I do my best to not look at the various signs that have been around for a couple of months warning people of the date, doing my best to remain professional.)

Me: “Just today. The law became active today.”

Customer: “Bulls***! This is just another way for you lot to line your pockets!”

Me: “The money goes to charity, though. We don’t—”

Customer: “Save it! I’ll just go to another bloody shop that doesn’t have the f***ing cheek to charge for f***ing bags!”

(He storms off, leaving his shopping, as my manager, who was standing beside me just shrugs.)

Manager: “Where’s he gonna go, England?”

That’s My Name, Please Wear It Out

| London, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Funny Names

Me: “Hi, do you need assistance with your shopping?”

Customer: *stares at name badge* “Hi, [My Name]. How are you today?”

(I often get customers that call me by name when I greet them, which doesn’t bother me. I pack his bags.)

Customer: “Thank you for packing my bags, [My Name].”

Me: “No problem. That comes to [amount].”

Customer: “Thank you, [My Name].”

Me: “Are you paying by card or cash, sir?”

Customer: “Can I pay by card, please, [My Name]?”

Me: “Okay, if you would like to put your card into the card reader and follow the instructions?”

Customer: “Okay, [My Name].” *takes card and receipt* “Thank you, [My Name].”

(I start serving the next customer.)

Customer #2: “If you didn’t know your own name then I guess you do now!”

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