Self-Checkout THIS Idiot!

| Toronto, ON, USA | Right | May 15, 2017

(I’m standing in line at the self-checkout at a big chain discount department store. I see an older man at one of the self-checkouts looking very frustrated.)

Man: *starts yelling to the employee overseeing all the self-checkouts* “Excuse me! Are you going to come help me or not?! I don’t know how to use this thing!”

Employee: “One second, sir. I’ll be with you as soon as I’m done helping this customer.”

Man: *throwing his hands up in frustration and making frustrated grunting and sighing noises* “How am I supposed to use this thing if I don’t know how to use it? Aren’t you here to do it for me?”

Employee: “No, sir, this is a self-checkout. If you want someone to check you out, you are free to use the standard checkouts.”

Man: “Just come here and do it for me!”

(Employee went over and checked the man out for him, at the self-checkout…)


| USA | Friendly | May 12, 2017

(My coworker and I are both fans of the SCP Foundation — basically a bunch of stories of anomalous entities kept hidden away from the public to avoid mass panics by a secret organization. We’re discussing what would happen if they were real and were released into the world.)

Me: “Nah, man, it’s all about that 682.” *a very large, sentient, angry lizard who hates life and constantly regenerates back lost limbs and the like*

Coworker: “Dude, that’s way too Godzilla, what about 96?” *a man-eating human thing that kills and eats people that view its face*

Me: “That’ll take too long. I mean, I’m no math genius, but I’m pretty sure it takes a pretty long time to eat a full human being.”

Manager: “What are you guys talking about?”

Me: “Oh, a statue that kills people via neck snapping.” *173*

Manager: “Uh… sounds fun. Bye.”

Coworker: “All right, fine. 106.” *an old man who is capable of moving through solid matter and generating a corrosive liquid capable of pulling people into his own personal universe*

Me: “…that’s pretty good.”

Black-Belt In Bluffing

| Australia | Right | May 12, 2017

(It is during a regular shift in the middle of the day. I’m the supervisor in service and I get a call from one of the register operators telling me that another one of the girls is getting shouted at by a customer and they’re getting scared. I walk over and, sure enough, there’s a man shouting at the girl about how much his total came to.)

Me: “Excuse me, what’s going on here?”

Customer: “NONE OF YOUR F****** BUSINESS, C***!”

Me: “HEY! There is no need for that language, sir.”

(I step in between the girl and him, because at this point she’s crying, and I tell the girl who called me to call Mr Steed — our ‘Get the muscle up here’ call.)

Customer: “YOU WANNA F****** GO?! HUH?!”

Me: *perfectly calm* “Sure thing.”

(The customer deflates and looks around awkwardly, realising the attention he’s drawn and the fact that I wasn’t backing down from his threat seemed to shut him up.)

Customer: “I mean a fight!” *it’s more hesitant like he’s confirming that I understand the proposal*

Me: “I’m aware of that. I’d be happy to take this outside, sir. But I’m required by law to inform you that I’m trained in multiple styles of martial arts and cannot guarantee your safety if there is an altercation. If you are still willing to continue this, I’d be happy to follow you out. Or if you’d rather, you can pay for your shopping, apologise to this young lady like you d*** well mean it, then leave my store and stay the h*** out.”

Customer: *pulls out his card, pays for the shopping, says he’s sorry, and walks out of the store without another word*

(I ask, the girl if she’s okay, then one of the grocery boys that came up for the Mr Steed call to walk with the her to the break room and tell her to have a proper cry and come back when she’s up for it.)

Phone-Girl: “Can you really do all that martial arts stuff?”

Me: “H***, no. But he didn’t know that.”

1 Thumbs

It’s All In The Delivery (Demands)

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Right | May 12, 2017

(A customer has left some of their shopping at the store and calls regarding it.)

Me: “Good afternoon, this is [Store] [Location]. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I was there earlier and the checkout chick didn’t give me some of my shopping.”

Me: “I apologise for the mistake. If you tell me what the items were, I can hold them here at the service desk so you can pick them u—”

Customer: “I need you to deliver them to me.”

Me: “Um. I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “We have a delivery truck, but that requires an extra fee you would need to pay for—”

Customer: “I didn’t say ‘truck.’ I told YOU to deliver it.”

Me: “You want me, personally, to deliver your shopping to you?”

Customer: “Yes. I’m just down the road in [Suburb a good half-hour from the store], so you can just drive down and give them to me.”

Me: *taking a breath to compose myself* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that. Delivery is restricted to the truck. And either you are asking me to leave my shift right now and deliver them to you or drive down in my own time for your shopping.”

Customer: “The b*** at the checkout left my shopping on the counter. That’s the store’s fault so someone should get me my shopping.”

Me: *losing my patience* “As I said before, ma’am; there’s restrictions. I can leave a message for the supervising staff member for when you can pick it up to hold your shopping here for you but no one is going to deliver you your food.”

Customer: “It’s got my dinner for tonight in it. What am I meant to have for dinner then, huh?!”

Me: “If you need it tonight, you’ll need to pick it up. The store closes at midnight, so you still have plenty of time to come here and collect it. I can offer you a discount voucher for the inconvenience, but no one is delivering you your food.”

(At this point, my department manager had returned from the office and is giving me a concerned look while going over the roster.)

Customer: “You are the nastiest little s*** I’ve ever talked to; I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “Not a problem; just one moment, please.”

(Trying not to crush the phone, I hand it over to my manager and return to restocking the cigarettes. About five minutes later, my manager hangs up the phone, looking like she wasn’t able to process the stupidity on the other end of the phone.)

Me: “Did she insist on me delivering it or did she ask you to as well?”

Manager: “You, still. Said she’d have us both fired if it’s not delivered to her tonight but I just told her we can’t do that. Then she hung up.”

(The woman showed up the next morning, during my shift of course, acting like the conversation never happened and pretending that the girl on the phone had ‘screamed at her for no reason’. When she realised I was that girl on the phone, she promptly collected her shopping and left. Haven’t seen her since.)

Entitlement Doesn’t Fit Through The Checkout

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Right | May 11, 2017

(I’m a customer in this story. The checkout operator is scanning my items.)

Checkout Operator: “Could you please put this ‘closed’ sign at the end of your groceries? I am about to close.”

Me: “Sure!”

(I place the ‘closed’ sign at the end of my groceries on the conveyer belt. The checkout operator turns off their ‘open’ light. I’m also the last customer in their line. A customer storms up the line I’m in with two full trolley loads of groceries and starts putting them on the conveyer belt.)

Checkout Operator: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m closing up. Checkout two behind me is open.”

Customer: “No, you’re not. I’m in a hurry and I am the customer; therefore I am right and you are NOT closed until I say.” *moves ‘closed’ sign out of the way*

Me & Checkout Operator: “…”

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