When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts

| | Right | November 6, 2009

(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

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There’s No Time Like The Present

| | Right | October 14, 2009

(I’m finishing a transaction for a supermarket customer; she’s just handed me her check but I notice an error.)

Me: “Um, ma’am, if I could just have you fix this part right here–”

Customer: “What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “Well, this is 2009, ma’am.”

Customer: “So what?”

Me: “Well, you wrote the date as August 29, 3009, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re telling me! I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Me: “No, of course you didn’t. It was an honest mistake. If you just cross out the ‘3’ in ‘3009’ and write a ‘2’ over it, that’ll do just fine.”

Customer: “You know, every time I come in here I do EVERYTHING right! Every time! You’re the new girl! You think it’s coincidence that I suddenly start getting the year wrong?! Every time!”

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Going Nuts For Nuts

| | Right | September 29, 2009

(A customer comes up to my counter; he seems to be on something because he’s grinding his jaw and his pupils are dilated.)

Me: “Hi there, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “I need some f***ing nuts and bolts now!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is the butcher’s counter. You’ll find some nuts and bolts in the hardware section.”

Customer: “But I love nuts. Don’t you love nuts? They’re so shiny and they are just so useful!”

(The customer keeps talking and talking, so I take it on myself to walk him to the hardware section to get his nuts and bolts.)

Me: “Here you are sir, your nuts and bolts.”

Customer: “Thanks, man!”

(I watch as the customer gets dozens of nuts and bolts and heads to the front of the store. Without warning, he starts hurling them at the checkout girl. Another coworker and I wrestle him to the ground, but not before he crams some of them into his mouth begins to choke on them. Thankfully, we’re able to stop him. The ambulance and the police arrive shortly thereafter and take care of things from there. Craziest 10 minutes of my life.)

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Identity Crisis

| | Right | September 3, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I want 20 Marlboros.”

Me: “Do you have any ID at all?”

(The customer lifts his right sleeve on his t-shirt to reveal a tattoo of a date.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept that.”

Customer: “Why not? That’s my f***ing date of birth! You think I’d just get some random date done on my arm?”

Me: “We need photo ID, sir, like a driver’s license or a passport.”

(The customer points at his face.)

Me: “Umm…”

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How About “Shop Around The Clock”

| | Right | September 2, 2009

(A customer comes up to our customer service desk complaining about music playing in our store.)

Customer: “I want you to take that last song off the speakers.”

Me: “Umm, ‘Don’t Upset The Rhythm’? Is that the one?”

Customer: “The one that goes ‘Go Baby Go Baby Go’?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Yes, take it off. It’s pressuring me to hurry my shopping!”

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