Selfish Smokers

| | Right | August 21, 2009

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

(I hand him the cigarettes.)

Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.”

Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

Me: “Ok. Do you want ‘smoking harms those around you,’ or ‘smoking causes testicular cancer?'”

Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”

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The Law Of The South Paw

| | Right | July 21, 2009

(I was scanning in the next customer’s items when this occurred.)

Customer: “You’re doing it wrong.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “You’re scanning my things in wrong.”

Me: “No, it’s done correctly. Every time the item is scanned it says beep.”

Customer: “But you’re left-handed.”

Me: “Yes, I am. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “I’m right-handed. I don’t want my things scanned in by a lefty! Undo it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t un-scan all your items, and re-scan them with my right hand.”

Customer: “God, are you a cripple or something?”

Me: “No, but there are other customers waiting.”

Customer: “FINE! I’ll pay with a check.”

(She gets out her checkbook, and starts writing with her left hand. Another customer in line speaks up.)

Customer #2: “Didn’t she say she was right-handed?”

(The woman looks up, and then at her left hand.)

Customer: “Are you stupid? This is right!”

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A Tale of Two Poultries, Two Meanings, And Two Hands

| | Right | July 7, 2009

(It’s almost closing time at the supermarket deli. Two hot chickens are left and have been reduced to half price.)

Male customer: “Can I please get the last 2 chickens?”

(As I’m getting the chickens, a female customer rushes up to the deli counter.)

Female customer: “Excuse me. I was here first, before, and I wanted one of those chickens.”

Me: “Sorry…when I looked up, there was only one customer.”

Female customer: “You had your head down before.”

Me: “Well, I‚Äôm sorry. They‚Äôve been sold to this man, as he was the only customer here. Unless he‚Äôd like to let you have one?”

Male customer: “No, I‚Äôd like them both, thanks.”

Female customer: “I hope you choke on that chicken!” *storms out*

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Coworkers Uber Alles

| | Right | June 8, 2009

(A young teenage girl comes up to my till and places several bottles of alcopops on it.)

Me: “I’m sorry miss, but as you don’t look over 21 I am afraid I am going to have to ask to see some ID for these.”

Girl: “What? I’m old enough. Obviously. Like, I never get asked for ID.”

Me: “Well I’m afraid I still need ID.”

Girl: “Why you being rude? I told you I am old enough.”

(This continues for about 25 minutes until I get fed up.)

Me: “Look, you obviously don’t have any ID so I am not going to serve you. If you want to complain you can go to customer services.”

Girl: “Fine!”

(Ten minutes later, my supervisor comes over.)

Supervisor: “I just heard you got a complaint. I must say that I am very disappointed.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I just lost it, I guess.”

Supervisor: *laughs* “Oh, no. That’s fine. Just that we all had a bet on how long you would last. If only you would have lasted a little longer.”

(A little while after this, the girl returns. She’s led by a much older man who I guess is her father. He places on my till the exact same items his daughter had.)

Man: “Right. I want these and before you ask, here is my ID.”

(He pulls out his driver’s license and waves it in my face, smirking to his daughter. He obviously thinks he is being really clever.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t sell you these.”

Man: “Why the h*** not?! I’m plenty old enough!”

Me: “Yes, sir. But it is also quite obvious that you are buying them for this girl, which means I can’t sell them to you.”

Man: “I want to speak with your supervisor.”

(I call my supervisor over and explain the situation. The man jumps in before she can respond.)

Man, to supervisor: “So, what you gonna do? You gonna sell me these d*** drinks and fire that little s***?!”

Supervisor: *calmly* “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I will give you thirty seconds to get out or I will call the police. Buying alcohol for a minor is a criminal offense.”

(Needless to say he left in a hurry, muttering furiously to his daughter. Sometimes, with the worst customers, you find the best coworkers.)

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How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

| | Right | April 4, 2009

(A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

Customer: “Are these fresh?”

Mom: “They’re alive.”

Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

Mom: “… yes.”

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