The Pain Is Here To Stay

| MI, USA | Related | May 31, 2017

(I’ve been having pains in my chest for almost two years now and have gone everywhere for answers, but to no avail. My doctor has told me to text my mother whenever I have a pain so that the time and date is on file. We are in the middle of the store when I have one, so I whip out my phone to text her. It has been a long time since I’ve lived a normal life without the pains so I’m past self-pity and onto humor.)

Me: “The pain peaked at 6, but was afraid of heights, so it retreated back to 4.”

Me: “It had a reason to be afraid; it fell.”

Me: “It has returned triumphant at 3.”

Me: “It’s lingering. Maybe I should put up a no loitering sign.”

(About an hour later, when we’re in the car.)

Me: “The chest pain is back. It’s wearing an eye patch now. I wonder what’s happened to it in the time it’s been gone.”

Me: “Now it kind of just lingers there, black trench coat, duffel bag, lisp, and all. Kind of looks like Jack the Ripper/Sean Renard from Grimm.”

Me: “It’s making a sandwich. I don’t think it plans on leaving anytime soon.”

(The next day, when we’re at home.)

Me: “I think I’m going to call him Gustav.”

Mom: “You’re weird.”

Got Some Bones To Pick With Your Request

, , , | Right | May 31, 2017

(I work part-time in a supermarket deli/bakery combo where we also make sandwiches to order for customers. We offer basic options like turkey and swiss, but also allow customers to choose any meat and cheese from the deli to be sliced up, which thankfully not many take advantage of since it can slow things down during lunch rush. I’m currently serving a guy who is clearly far, far more important than he appears, judging by how rude and condescending he’s treating me and my coworkers.)

Customer: “I want [Very Specific Flavor and Brands of Turkey and Ham offered by our competitor].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t carry those. But we do have—”

Customer: *contorts his face in disgust and throws up a hand to silence me* “No, I’m not interested in excuses. I’ll just have plain turkey and ham, then, I guess—” *heavy, soul-scraping sigh* “—in a wrap.”

Me: “No problem.” *I pull out one of our wraps*

Customer: “WAIT! Is THAT how big your wraps are?”

Me: “Yes, sir, this is what we offer.”

(Mind you, these are restaurant-sized 12 inch wraps. They ain’t puny, and the price is always less than six bucks after tax. I’ve had more than one customer tell me half is almost too much of a meal on its own given that we’re also instructed to pack them to “overflowing” unless the customer tells us otherwise.)

Customer: *annoyed look at the woman he’s with* “So small for the price! I’ll have a sub then, I guess.”

(As I’m making the sandwich, he continues to complain to his companion about how awful our company is for being “inconsistent” (again, citing us not carrying a brand only our competitor carries) and how he has “no time for excuses.” The cherry on top comes when he drops this line however…)

Customer: “Well, I’m being more careful about what I eat these days. More responsible and thoughtful. I owe it to the environment. I never eat anything that once had bones.”

(I finished making his HAM and TURKEY sandwich without comment. I have never had an issue with anyone who decides to be vegan or vegetarian for any reason, but I have to wonder… what kind of freaky Guillermo del Toro horror universe do you live in where pigs and turkeys don’t have bones?)

That Chicken Is Smoking Hot

, , , | Right | May 30, 2017

(A customer has ordered a chicken to be cooked.)

Customer: “You’re burning it!”

Me: “Sir, the oven isn’t even on yet. This will actually take some time so…” *sniffs* “Is… is that tobacco?”

(I stare at him as he blushes, and notice wisps of smoke coming from his back.)

Me: “Are you smoking?”

(He mumbled something before sprinting out of view. I never bothered to cook his chicken, and he never turned up for it either.)

Just Make That Your Uniform Response

| Sheffield, England, UK | Right | May 28, 2017

(I work part-time at a very large British supermarket chain and all employees have to wear a reasonably brightly coloured uniform that has the name of the supermarket written on it four times, and a name badge, also with the supermarket’s name as well as our own.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: *dies a little inside and puts on big fake smile* “…yes.”

Rated PG-30

| England, UK | Working | May 25, 2017

(I’ve picked up some odds and ends and go to pay.)

Cashier: “Do you have ID?”

Me: *looking at my purchases* “What for?”

Cashier: “The film.”

Me: “It’s a 12 rating!”

Cashier: *looks at the DVD, back to me, a 30-year-old man, then back to the DVD* “Yeah, I think I can let you go this time.”

Me: “Thanks?”

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