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How To Not Win Friends And Not Influence People

, , , | Right | December 8, 2022

I work at a sandwich chain. These two girls around fifteen come in. One doesn’t order anything; the other gets a six-inch sandwich. The one who orders asks to leave a pamphlet with me, and I decide it’s easiest to just say yes. The pamphlet has a cartoon of animals and people sitting together with the text, “Soon, all suffering will end.”

“Great,” I think. “Vegan hippies.” But then I see “The Watchtower Society” on the back of the pamphlet. Oh-ho! Not vegans, Jehovah’s Witnesses! Even better!

Fast forward to them leaving. They purposefully leave a gigantic mound of napkins and such on the table… with another pamphlet on top of it.

Yes, they made a huge mess just so someone would be forced to come over to clean it, and thus find the pamphlet.

Why would I want to join a religion full of such inconsiderate jerks?

Life Is Easier When You’ve Mustard Up Some Patience

, , , , , | Working | September 8, 2022

One day, a friend and I were headed to a game night at another friend’s house and decided to grab something to eat. We decided on a national chain of sub shops once famous for $6 subs.

Usually, I get something loaded down with veggies — not that day. That day, I was craving protein and lots of it.

Me: “Could I get a twelve-inch pastrami and swiss, double meat, lightly toasted, with mayo and extra mustard? No veggies.”

Worker: “Sure!”

I watched as he made my sandwich, and I was practically drooling. My friend laughed at me until I pointed out that I hadn’t eaten since lunchtime the day before.

Friend: “Good Lord, let’s feed you before you take off someone’s arm. You’re mean when you’re hangry.”

Worker: “Extra mustard?”

Me: “Yes, please!”

He picked up the bottle. He squeezed over my sandwich, and then the lid popped off and half the bottle of mustard poured out over my poor pastrami sandwich.

He and I were both staring at it in horror. Then, we looked up at each other. I knew what he saw: a woman with a Let Me See Your Manager haircut and dye job who had been described as being hangry. I saw him brace himself for what he thought was the inevitable.

Me: “Well, I did say extra mustard.”

My friend about keeled over laughing, the sandwich worker looked so relieved, and I couldn’t help but giggle. We managed to save the sandwich by scraping most of the mustard off. I DID ask for extra mustard, and that day, the universe decided to oblige!

This Is Some Kind Of Prank, Right? …Right?

, , , , , , , , | Working | August 16, 2022

My girlfriend is excited about a job interview she has at our favourite sub shop. I decide to go with her on the promise that if she takes me, I’ll buy her a sub. 

She gets in and we go separate ways. She’s in business attire, and I am in casual — not a good look, so I sit on the other side of the store.

Interviewer: “I’m glad you applied; you really look like a great fit for the store! Now, we offer eighteen-hour shifts seven days a week, and we can provide an area in the staff room to sleep in if you want to do overtime and don’t have long until your next shift.”

Cue me waving my arms around and shaking my head.

Girlfriend: “That… that doesn’t sound legal?”

Interviewer: “Oh, it isn’t! Aren’t you willing to break the law? Even to work for us? We’re the best!”

Girlfriend: “No, I don’t think I’d be willing to break the law for a job.”

Interviewer: “Then this interview is over and we have no further business to discuss.” 

We left.

They Always Try And They Never Get Away With It

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2022

I work for a privately-owned franchise of a global sub sandwich chain. The owner of our restaurant is a woman, but her name is much more commonly used for men than for women. As a proud business owner in a small town, the owner has a sticker on the front door that says, “Proudly Owned and Operated by [Owner’s Full Name]”. She also takes absolutely no nonsense from problem customers, and she always has our backs. In short, she’s a great boss.

I’m helping at the counter one day, mostly running the register but sometimes doing veggies and sauces if things get busy. A man I’ve never seen before walks up to the front door, stands there for a moment clearly reading the owner’s name, and then walks in, gets a sandwich made, and gets to the register.

Me: “Would you like a meal today, sir, or just the sandwich?”

Man: “I’ll get the meal, and I know the owner. He said I could get this for free.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but only the owner can authorize that, and she’s not here today. Would you like a meal or just the sandwich?”

Man: “Listen… This place is owned by [Owner’s Full Name], right? I’m his cousin, so he said I could get lunch on him when I’m in town. Are you going to follow his orders, or should I call him up myself?”

Me: “Sir, you need to listen carefully. Only our owner, [Owner’s Full Name] can authorize that, and she is not here today. Did you hear me that time?”

Man: “I’m going to call him and—”

Me: “No, you’re not going to call him. [Owner] is a woman and always has been. If you knew her at all — and especially if you were her cousin — you would know that. Now, would you like a meal or just the sandwich?”

The man gapes at me in confusion for a few seconds, and then, he finally catches on to what I am saying. He grumpily pays full price and sulks out the door.

When I tell our owner about it the next day, she laughs.

Owner: “Good job not letting him walk over you! The only time you should ever give anyone a ‘friends and family’ discount is when I am standing right there, in person, telling you it’s okay. Otherwise, you have my full permission to shut customers down however you need to. I’ll support you if a customer tries to complain.”

That kind of thing is why I enjoy working here.

Some People Take Sandwiches Way Too Seriously

, , | Right | June 24, 2022

I work in a sub shop and it’s half an hour before closing. We have a different discounted Sub Of The Day every day.

Customer: “Can I have a [Sub Of The Day]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re out of the ingredients to make that sub.”

Customer: “Oh! Then you have to give me anything I want at the same discounted price!”

Me: “That’s not how it works, sir.”

Then, he called me a b**** and said he’d be calling the police and having me arrested.

I did not get arrested.