I’m at my local roller derby game, and I decide that a beverage is just right for the occasion.

A local brewery is supplying the beers, and the bar is run by skaters from the league.

I buy two beers, and the total comes to something like $18. I hand the lady a $20 and three dollars in change. She looks at me weirdly and says, “It’s only $18.”

I reply, “It’s so you can give me a $5 note instead of coins.”  

“Oh! That’s clever. Did you work it out when you were queueing up?”

I just let it slide, thank the lovely lady, and leave with my cans.

(The restaurant where I work has digital menu boards that, as well as displaying the menu, will also display adverts for particular items. Currently, that includes one titled “Summer Chillers” which rotates through some of the different drinks and desserts we serve. Below is what has become a regular occurrence.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]; how can I help?”

Customer: “Can I please get a Summer Chiller?”

Me: “Which one would you like?”

Customer: “The Summer Chiller.”

Me: “‘Summer Chiller’ is the name of the menu board. Which item from it would you like?”

Customer: “It says here, ‘Summer Chiller.’”

Me: “Yes. It’s the name of the menu. Beside the picture, it should tell you the name of the item.”

Customer: “I just want one of the Summer Chillers you’re advertising.”

Me: “I understand that, but which one do you want?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Is it a drink or a dessert?”

Customer: “Drink.”

Me: “Okay. Is it a shake or a frozen Coke?”

Customer: “The Summer Chiller!”

Me: “I still need to know which one.”

Customer: “Why is this so hard? I just want an iced coffee!”

Me: *internal sigh* “Okay. That was one iced coffee. Is that all for today?”

(I work switchboard for the local teaching hospital. This means we deal with a lot of trainee doctors and medical students; they come from all over the country and province, often only for a few weeks at a time. Sometimes they make me question the future of our health system.)

Caller: “This is [Caller]. I’m a med student. I have forgotten my pager and need calls to go through to my cell phone.”

Me: “Okay, the number we have on file for you is [number].”

Caller: “That’s right.”

Me: “Is that long-distance?”

(Saskatchewan has two area codes, but they both cover the whole province, so either can be local or long-distance. If it’s a long-distance call, you need to add a 1 in front so that the phone system knows it’s long-distance. Generally speaking, if you need to dial a number anywhere in the province outside your local town/city, you need the 1.)

Caller: “Well, it’s a Saskatchewan number.”

Me: “But is it a Saskatoon number? Is this a long-distance number?”

Caller: *noncommittal noise*

Me: “I need to know if this is long-distance so we can dial it correctly to reach you.”

Caller: “My understanding of long-distance is that it is only outside the province.”

(This is a future doctor, people.)

(I am a housekeeper in a hotel in my town that holds a lot of contracts with companies, meaning they get a discount price when they use us. One of our biggest contracts is with the railroad; we have rooms set aside for transport — in and out constantly because they are driving the trains — and some who are long-term that are brought in to work in the area for a long period before moving to the next location.

This involves a guy in a crew that is part of the long-term group. For the record, a lot of them have told me they don’t actually have a permanent address — that they literally live out of hotel rooms and just stay with family if they have a break between jobs.)

Coworker: “Hey, do you have room 123 on your list?”

Me: “Yes, they had their ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ sign up.”

Coworker: “Well, I just had a guy tell me to clean his d*** room.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll go now.”

(I head to the room, and when I get there the sign is still up and I hear people inside. I knock and identify myself as housekeeping. The guest opens the door.)

Guest: “About d*** time.”

Me: *smiling* “Hi, my coworker said you asked for service. Is there something specific you needed?”

Guest: “I need my f****** room cleaned! I have been here almost a week and no one has been doing their jobs and f****** cleaned it.”

Me: *keeping my nicest smile I can* “I am sorry about that. I noticed your ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ sign is up; may I ask how long it has been up?”

Guest: “I put it up when I got here so no one comes in when I’m f****** sleeping.”

Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion, sir, but we are not allowed to enter a room when the sign is up without permission, and as the sign indicates, we cannot disturb the person to ask for it. Technically, since it’s still up, I shouldn’t have knocked.”

Guest: “I don’t want you to disturb me when I am sleeping but I still want my room cleaned! God, you are stupid!”

Me: *still smiling* “I am sorry, sir, but we have no way of knowing that you are not sleeping unless you take it down.”

Guest: “So, you won’t come in at all unless I hunt you down like an animal and ask? That’s bulls***!”

Me: “A lot of guests do not like the idea of strangers being in their room so they keep it up at all times and ask if towels or any other items are needed.”

Another Guy In The Room: “So, that’s why you asked if he needed something specific?”

Me: “Yes, sir, most common requests are fresh towels or for us to take out the garbage.”

Guest: “Well, I want my entire room cleaned.”

Me: “Yes, sir, but in future, you will either need to take down the sign or again ask for assistance.”

Guest: “What if I forget to put it up?! I don’t want you in the room while I’m sleeping!”

Me: “We always knock first but if no response is received and we enter to find someone sleeping we leave immediately. But the door does have a deadbolt; if you lock it no one can enter, not even with our master key. If you want, you can lock your door so if your sign is not up we will knock but we can’t come in.”

Guest: “Really?”

(With the door open, I lock the deadbolt and use my key, showing him that it won’t unlock.)

Guest: “Well, the sign is only for when I am sleeping.”

(Thankfully, the other guy in the room convinced him to leave me to clean in peace. This guy had one of the dirtiest rooms I had ever cleaned. Since we are not allowed to touch guest’s stuff we have to clean around it. The bathtub had a black ring around it and there were personal hygiene products all across the sink and clothes everywhere that made vacuuming impossible, and I had to hop to get to his bed which, thankfully, didn’t have anything on it.

The worst was the kitchen. He had trash and dirty dishes across the counters as well as food and other things. Each room has recycling and two garbage cans; all were empty. We are allowed to empty the cans, but we can’t clean up since we cannot guarantee what is garbage and what isn’t.

While I was cleaning the front desk came to tell me I had transport rooms that needed to be cleaned ASAP and thankfully saw the mess, which was good because the guy actually complained that I didn’t properly clean his room. When asked, he said it was still a mess and that I didn’t do his dishes.)

Since we work with confidential material, our office is only accessible with a security pass. Which is fine… until one morning when I arrive at work and see several people waiting in front of the building. Our team leader, who always arrives first, tells us the system is apparently down, so the passes don’t work. In order to make them work again, the server has to be rebooted, but the server is inside the building. 

Of course, the company has a physical key to the building, as well. In fact, the director had passed it to the team leader for this reason. He also advised her to make copies, just in case, but she never got round to it. Now, where was this key? Well, before the team leader went on holiday, a few weeks ago, she passed it to the department manager, who would be opening those weeks. He then gave it to his manager, who asked for it in order to have copies of the key made… which he did not do. This senior manager also happens to live in a city that is about a one-hour drive from our office. To make his blunder complete, he didn’t even take the key home, but instead decided to lock it in the small safe where we have to put all the keys of our office cupboards. In other words, there is no normal way to open the door.

Finally, the department manager and his brother-in-law, who is also a coworker, arrive with a tool box and try to open several doors into the building with them. After some time, they realise this isn’t working, either. Seeing only one solution, the department manager takes his hammer and smashes the man-high window next to the front door, after which he carefully enters, shuts off the alarm, and opens the front door manually. In order to get to our department, the two men have to force another door open, this time without breaking anything, but still…

When I see the senior manager a few hours later, he is trying to laugh it off as “a little mistake.” I have always seen him as a typical “David Brent” style manager, who prefers being funny over being professional, while not being really funny, either. By now, I feel sure about this more than ever.