(It’s two days before Passover, so I head to the local supermarket to pick up supplies. It’s not the Jewish part of town, so I’m used to there not being much, but they’ve been solid in past years about having stuff even if the display tends to move around the store randomly. This year it’s wall-to-wall Easter candy and nothing else.)

Me: “Excuse me. Do you have the Passover supplies out yet?”

Clerk: “I know we got them in, they should be here somewhere. Hey [manager], where’s the Passover stuff?”

Manager: “Those aren’t going out until after Easter weekend.”

Me: “…as in this weekend.”

Manager: “Yes, they’ll be out on Monday.”

Me: “Passover starts on Friday. If you don’t put them out until Monday, the big meals with specialty treats will be over, everyone will have already stocked up on matzos, and you’re only going to sell to folks who need one more box mid-week.”

Manager: “I don’t know what to say; the display doesn’t go up until Monday. There are some matzos in the aisle with the other kosher foods.”

Me: “The ones with ‘not for Passover’ written on the box in big letters?”

Manager: “Oh, they’re not? Sorry, nothing else I can do.”

(I went across the street to the competitor, where they had plenty. I look forward to next year when that first store’s stock gets cut because of “low demand.”)

(I’m a dishwasher at a restaurant. I hear this exchange between a server and a cook. A customer is being difficult and both employees are absolutely baffled.)

Cook: “So, let me get this straight. Buddy over there wants a chicken mushroom fettuccine, with no chicken and no mushrooms?”

Server: “Yeah.”

Cook: “So, just a fettuccine alfredo, then.”

Server: “Yeah, but he’s not listening to me. I’m trying to save him five bucks by telling him to get the fettuccine alfredo to save a bit of money, but he’s not listening.”

Cook: “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. You’re going outta your way to save the guy some money and he’s being a total d**k.”

Server: “Customer’s always right, eh?”

Cook: *with a big grin* “D*** straight. Too proud to admit his own stupidity, but you gave him the chance. Chicken mushroom fettuccine, no chicken, no mushrooms coming up!”

(Meanwhile, I could hear other cooks snickering in the background and one of them asked, “Really, dude? REALLY?” One of the most amusing customer complaints ever!)

My mom has well over a dozen cousins and keeps in contact with them more or less regularly, with one exception. This exception looks somewhat like Catweazle and is a CAM practitioner — Complementary and Alternative Medicine — selling all kinds of diagnostics and treatments that have no scientific foundation whatsoever and that he partially made up himself. In other words, he’s a quack.

He’s infamous throughout the family for breaking ties with his own sister when she refused to take his herbs instead of a proper treatment of her breast cancer. Now, however, the health scare seems to lead some family members to forget about that. This is a message my mom got from one of her — usually reasonable — cousins:

Cousin: “As you know from the media, the Corona can cause pneumonia. Well, I remembered something my cousin told me once! He said that sheep’s urine has healing properties for the lungs. So, I called him and he confirmed my theory! According to him, to prevent infection, you should cook milk with sheep’s dung and drink a cup of it in the morning! It works both as prophylaxis and as treatment.”

Some other family members got this message from her, as well. I don’t even have words for how shocked and disgusted I am.

Dear everyone: please stay sane and stay healthy. Keep social contacts to a minimum, and listen to your doctors and common sense.

(I’ve worked in hospitality for several years. It never ceases to amaze me how people ask for the toilets. I’ve heard all sorts of questions.)

Customer #1: “Where are the facilities?”

Customer #2: “Where can I pee?”

Customer #3: “Do you know where the toilets are?”

(But my favourite of all…)

Customer #4: “Do you have toilets?”

(I normally say:)

Me: “No, sorry, we do our business from the bridge.” *pointing outside*

(Our restaurant is by the river, next to a vintage, pedestrian-only bridge. Normally, people laugh and then I’ll direct them to the restrooms. But not THIS guy. I tell him the line, and he laughs and said:)

Customer #4: “Oh, okay, I got it.”

(I thought he had gotten the joke and had finally seen the huge sign reading, “RESTROOMS – DOWNSTAIRS,” right in front of him. Next thing I knew, I was peeking outside and I saw this guy climbing on the bridge with his pants off.)

(Mom calls a major electronics retailer on her phone while we are in the car.)

Mom: “Hello! We were at the airport, and my son pressed a button at your kiosk and a pair of [High-End Brand] headphones fell out! But we didn’t pay for them.”

Customer Service: “I need the transaction or credit card number.” 

Mom: “Um, we didn’t pay for them. It was an accident.”

Customer Service Rep: “I understand. I just need the transaction or credit card number.” 

(It goes around in circles like this until my mom finally asks for the supervisor. He winds up telling us to just keep them, a $200 pair of headphones.)

Mom: “I don’t want them, and I don’t want to give them to [Stepbrother], because that’s like saying stealing’s okay. I’ll just return them to the store in person.”