I am a baker at a popular cafe. The only gluten-free dessert we offer is a triple chocolate cookie, but there is cross-contamination, and we have to warn customers about this in case they are allergic. A teenage cashier who has just finished her training calls me over to help her with a customer.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “The triple chocolate cookie. Does it have gluten?”

It says gluten-conscious right on the tag, but it’s written pretty small, so it can be easy to miss.

Me: “No, but there is cross-contamination with things that do have gluten.”

Customer: “Oh, sweetie, I don’t think you understand. I want to know if there is gluten in the cookie.”

Me: “There is no gluten in the cookie itself, but it is around things that do have gluten.”

Customer: “But does the triple chocolate cookie have gluten?”

Me: “Are you allergic to gluten?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. But, not so bad that I have to worry about cross-contamination.”

Me: “Then you should be fine, ma’am. The triple chocolate cookie has absolutely no gluten, whatsoever.”

Customer: “So, there is gluten?”

Me: *Internally screaming* “No.”

The customer finally buys her cookie. When she is gone, I turn to the cashier, who looks like a deer in the headlights.

Me: “Is this your first job?”

Cashier: “Yeah.”

Me: “Welcome.”

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 5
Welcome To Retail, Part 4
Welcome To Retail, Part 3
Welcome To Retail, Part 2

My school is hybrid with students coming in part-time due to full-time viral yuck. A student emails me that she may have been exposed to viral yuck and wants me to know she’s quarantined. I call her to check in on her.

Me: “So, you went out with friends and one of them tested positive afterward?”

Student: “Yes, ma’am. I didn’t even hang out with her that much.”

Me: “You were in different rooms the whole time?”

Student: “No, but we only got near each other to pass what we were smoking.”

Me: “…”

Student: “What?”

Me: “First of all, why are you telling me that part? Second, you put your mouth on something that had her saliva and breath on it?”

Student: “Well, now that you put it that way, I’m worried.”

I am the “disrupted operations supervisor” for my airline, dealing with delays, cancellations, and disruptive passengers. I’m called to escort a passenger to the luggage claim because his bag is vibrating, and the police want to speak with him.

The officer opens the bag in front of him and removes a battery-operated shaving machine.

Officer: “Sir, do you know it’s illegal to carry batteries in your hold luggage?”

Passenger: “No, I didn’t.”

Then he turns to me and asks:

Passenger: “How are you going to fix this?”

Me: “Well, either you remove the battery or you carry it in your hand.”

Passenger: *Yelling* “The battery can’t be removed, you moron! And I’m not taking nothing in my hands.” *Smirking* “So, how are you going to fix it?”

I signal the officer to stand down and answer.

Me: “Sir, please there’s no need for that. In this case, the item will have to stay behind unless you’re willing to reconsider.”

Passenger: “H*** no. You’re not keeping it and I won’t carry it in my hand.” *Smirking again* “So, how are you going to fix it?”

I repeat myself and he repeats his question.

Me: “Sir, I don’t have time for this.”

I put the item in the destruction bin.

Me: “Please proceed to the boarding gate and have a nice flight.”

As I’m turning away, the police start to escort him back to the boarding lounge.

Passenger: “I guess I’ll just borrow my friend’s machine from his bag.”

The cops stopped and led him into the police station. The airport called his friend and removed his bags from the plane, causing a ten-minute delay. They were issued fines and lost their flight.

I work in a customer service call center.

Customer: “I placed an order a while ago but didn’t receive a confirmation email. It’s [email address #1].”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t see an order under this email. Could you have used a different address?”

Customer: “No, this is my only email ever. I’ve had it forever and I never use anything else. You can try searching by my name. [Customer].”

Me: “Mhmm. So, this order under [email address #2] is not yours?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, that’s my main email!”

Related:
Email Fail, Part 30
Email Fail, Part 29
Email Fail, Part 28
Email Fail, Part 27
Email Fail, Part 26

A few years ago, I sent a birthday present for my mother to her by using a private courier service instead of the regular German mail, because their packages were cheaper and insured. This delivery was time-sensitive, not only because of the birthday, but because my parents were going to leave for a vacation a few days after and the package also contained some things they would need for the trip.

Tuesday: I take the package to the shop, fill in the address sticker, and get the receipt, all normal.

Friday: My mother’s birthday. I call to congratulate her and the present hasn’t arrived yet. Okay, this takes longer than usual, but let’s give them a day more.

Sunday: Still no sign of the package. I call customer service, and they tell me that the address was incorrect and the package could not be delivered. I’m confused since I know my parents’ address by heart and am pretty sure that I did not mess it up, but I filled it out by hand and mistakes happen. Since the package is still in their depot, I’m able to tell the representative the correct address, and she assures me that it will be delivered right away. I’m keeping my fingers crossed as my parents are scheduled to leave early on Wednesday.

Monday: My father calls me. The delivery guy showed up with the package in hand, then glanced at his digital notepad, stated that he couldn’t give it to my father because it was scheduled for Tuesday, turned on his heel, and drove away. My father was so stunned by that behaviour that he wasn’t able to keep him from leaving. He is furious and so am I.

Tuesday: After a day of worrying and frantically rearranging delivery to a shop near them for the time they would be away, my parents finally receive the package late in the evening.

The kicker? The address was absolutely correct from the beginning. For some reason, the courier service changed the house number, couldn’t find the recipient — guess why? — decided to also change the name of the recipient by subtracting the first letter, and then concluded that they could not deliver the package. Who would have thought?

Guess which courier service I’ll never use ever again?