I’m a web developer and software designer. I get a client who sounds very excitable over the phone.

Client: “So, I’m gonna need your help for this. Imagine this! CatCoin!”

Me: “Uh… what is that?”

Client: “It’s a crypto! CatCoin!”

Me: “And you wanted me to design the website for it?”

Client: “No, you need to develop the coin. I can’t pay you up front, but when people start buying it, I can split the costs with you.”

Me: “You want me to… make a cryptocurrency?”

Client: “That’s one of the things you do, right?”

Me: “Not even close. What would you be doing in this… enterprise?”

Client: “I came up with the name! The concept!”

Me: “CatCoin?”

Client: “Yeah!”

Me: “So you’re doing nothing?”

Client: “H*** no! I came up with the idea! I… y’know, will sell it on the blockchain!”

Me: “If you can tell me right now what the blockchain is, I will humor you for a few more minutes.”

Client: “It’s… the chain of… things that cryptos run on.”

Me: “But what is it?”

Client: “It’s… it’s… It’s crypto!”

Me: “Well, this has been fun. Good luck, but I’m not the guy for you.” *Click.*

F****** crypto-bros.

A customer has ordered a quattro formaggi pizza.

Customer: *Cutting into one of the slices.* “Which quarter is the blue cheese… because I don’t like blue cheese.”

What made it worse was that we actually offered six cheeses to go on the pizza, and the customer could swap any in or out that they wanted to make the four. I explained that the gorgonzola was a blue cheese, and they still kept it in.

Customer: “Hi, can I have a Frappuccino?”

Me: “Sure, what flavour do you want?”

Customer: “Umm, what’s the vanilla?”

Me: “…It’s a Frappuccino with vanilla flavour.”

Customer: “Yeah, but like, what is vanilla? Is it like caramel?”

Me: “It’s a creamy flavor that comes from the pods of an orchid.”

Customer: “Orchid? Like a flower? Eww. I don’t eat plants. Can I just get the chocolate mint?”

Related:
Who’s Gonna Tell Them?

I work in one of the gift shops in a large Natural History Museum. We sell lots of rocks and crystals, and have a few expensive items on display for the enthusiast. One of them is a very large geode with some very impressive and colourful quartz crystals that we’ve had on display for a while, going for about £3,000.

Customer: “I want that colourful rock.”

Me: *Eyes widening.* “The geode? This large one here?”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s big, though. Do you do delivery?”

Me: “Yes, absolutely!”

Because this is an expensive purchase, my manager steps over and starts going through some information with the customer, such as delivery costs.

Customer: “Wait, this thing costs money?”

Manager: *Confused.* “Uh… yes, ma’am. That geode costs £3,000.”

Customer: “What the f***?! This is a gift shop! Gifts are free!”

Manager: *Considerably more confused.* “Uh… ma’am, this is a shop that sells items for money, like every other shop in the world. You can buy items here to keep for yourself, or gift to others, but you have to buy them.”

Customer: “F*** this place! I’d never have come in here if I’d known you a***holes wanted money!”

So, this woman wanders into a gift shop (ignoring the ‘shop’ part), spots the largest thing in the shop and just wants it? For free? If everything in the shop was a ‘free gift’, then why did she think all the other customers picking up the little £3 crystals in the bins were ignoring the big-ticket items?

Working self-checkout, the customer says she doesn’t want to take the yogurt she has ($3.50 each but on sale, two for $6). I’m walking towards her to grab it, and she says:

Customer: “This is so stupid! The sign says two for $6, but one is $3!”

For a second, I thought I forgot how to add because it was so dumb.

Me: “Ma’am, two for $6 means each one is $3.”

Customer: “No! Two for six means it’s two! Two is in the name! Two for six! The only numbers I should be seeing are two… and six!”

Me: “If you buy two, it costs six, so you will only be seeing those two numbers.”

Customer: “Then why am I seeing a three?”

Me: “Because…” *Sighing, not believing I’m explaining this to a grown woman.* “…three is how much it costs when you only look at the price of one. Since you’re buying two, ignore that number, and just look at the total.”

Customer: “H*** no! Ignoring numbers is how you people stole the last election!”

Related:
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 34
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 33
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 32
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 31
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 30