Customer: “I need to speak to a manager!”

Manager: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “This Caesar salad is disgusting. It has anchovies, garlic, and Parmesan; plus, it doesn’t taste like [Chain Restaurant]’s Caesar salad!”

(I’m intolerant to wheat. I step into a bakery and the following ensues. I have told both employees about my condition.)

Me: “Hello, do you have anything made from corn flour?”

Employee #1: “Hmm, perhaps this one. It’s made with cheese.”

Me: “What flour has been used for it?”

Employee #1: “Whole-grain flour.”

Me: “Whole-grain wheat flour or whole-grain corn flour?”

Employee #1: “Ah, I have no idea.” *calls other employee*

Employee #2: “That’s not wheat flour; that’s [brand]. It’s germinated with sprouts… of wheat.”

Me: “Goodbye.”

(I am working in a shoe store in a mall. I get this almost every time a mother and her children walk in.)

Customer: “I like this sandal for my daughter. What other colors do these come in?”

Me: “Well, we only have what is displayed on the tables, so blue, red, and white, as well as the black one you are holding.”

Customer: “All right, I will take this in my daughter’s size.”

Me: “Sure thing. What size does your daughter wear?”

(Note that we do not have a foot measure and the daughter isn’t even in the store with her.)

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Neither do I.” *laughs*

Customer: “You need to know her size?”

Me: “…”

(It’s the last week of class before the December exam period, and I’m in an American history seminar of final year undergraduates. We’re all at the point of the year where deadlines are hitting and we’re all cracking a little. Our professor is doing his best to keep us on topic.)

Professor: “Okay, so what exactly would have motivated Union soldiers to steal women’s dresses? Remember, it’s okay to give the obvious answers; just keep the discussion going.”

(A long pause.)

Classmate: “Well, how popular were drag shows?”

(It’s very busy at our restaurant due to a one-day deal. I’ve been either the only one or one of two people on till, and we are just finishing up with the post dinner rush.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering what goes on the create-your-own pizza?”

Me: “You get to choose your own toppings.”

Customer: “No, I know, but what goes on it?”

Me: “Well, it has sauce and cheese, and then you get to pick what else you want on it.”

Customer: “Okay. But what—”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom, never mind; I don’t want the pizza.”

Customer: “No, you do. We’ll get one with chicken, bacon, and olives.”

(They later demanded a refund because they wanted pasta, not a pizza.)