(It is August 2017, a few weeks before a solar eclipse. News sources have reported that people can get solar eclipse glasses for free at libraries nationwide, misrepresenting our distribution process and availability. To make matters worse, all local retailers sell out of eclipse glasses weeks before the eclipse. Additionally, the day of the eclipse also happens to be the first day of school in our local district.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling [Library]. How can I help you?”

Patron: “Hi, do you have any eclipse glasses available for purchase? My kids are going to be in school during the eclipse.”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, no. We are only distributing solar eclipse glasses at our solar eclipse programs to attendees. Because all of our other solar eclipse programs have already passed, we are distributing all remaining glasses at the viewing party on the day of the eclipse.”

(At this point, most patrons ask when the program will start and when glasses will be distributed. However, this patron has a better idea.)

Patron: “That’s really inconvenient, you know? Why would you have a family program like that on the first day of school? Now, none of the local students will be able to go!”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. We scheduled the program before the first day of school was announced.”

Patron: “If I complain to your superiors, do you think they might move the program to a different day, so that my kids can attend?”

Coworker: *pause* “You want us to move the solar eclipse viewing program to a different day?”

Patron: “Exactly!”

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(I’ve spent eight hours flying, and am looking forward to finally arriving at my destination. I use a personal wheelchair to get from gate to gate, which means I leave it when I board the plane each time, and it should be waiting for me as I exit. It’s not there when I arrive. I ask the crewmember overseeing the strollers and other gate-checked luggage:)

Me: “Um, sir? Where’s my wheelchair?”

Crewmember: “Oh! That was yours?”

Me: *panicking now* “Yes! What happened?”

Crewmember: “Well, this old lady was having so much trouble walking, we thought it must be hers! She’s being taken to… well, probably wherever her next flight is, or maybe home.”

Me: “But I have a luggage tag! I put a tag on it! You were supposed to check it!”

Crewmember: “Well, I guess we can try to track her down.”

Me: “My wheelchair costs $1,500 and I can’t function without it!”

Crewmember: “Let me call for a transport wheelchair for you. My coworker will be able to help you catch up to her.”

(I panic more as I wait, because the longer it takes, the more likely I’ll never see my chair again. Finally, his coworker arrives.)

Coworker: “Hello, ma’am. I understand you need help finding someone in the airport?”

Me: “He gave away my wheelchair and now she’s God knows where!”

Coworker: “No problem. We’ll track her down in no time.”

(Surprisingly, we do. I’m so relieved. The lady and I switch wheelchairs, and she goes on her way. Before the coworker leaves, I ask him one final question.)

Me: “Don’t you want to check my luggage tag to make sure everything’s right this time?”

Coworker: “Nah! I’m sure you’ve got it!”

(He walked away as my jaw dropped to the floor. I did check it myself, at least!)

Administrator: “It was just wonderful! The French class was singing Feliz Navidad in French!”

Customer: *stops me over by the face painting section* “Excuse me, I’m trying to find the stuff you spray on top of the body markers to make it permanent.”

Me: *baffled* “I’m sorry, did you say permanent, like lasts your whole life permanent?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was told there’s a spray that you can put on body markers to make it permanent.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, there’s setting spray which will make face paint last longer that might work on the markers but spray to make it last your whole life doesn’t exist.”

Customer: *getting huffy* “My daughter has a drawing on her arm that she says is ink made permanent with spray. Are you telling me it doesn’t exist?”

Me: “Ma’am… are you sure it’s not a tattoo?”

(She stares at me in shock, then in utter fury before whipping out her phone and starting to dial. She yells into the phone as soon as she gets connected.)

Customer: “Did you get a tattoo?!”

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User: “Hi, this morning I called because my computer wasn’t working.”

Me: “Yes, I went to your workstation and swapped out the faulty screen. Is the new one working for you now?”

User: “Yes, everything’s working fine, but…”

Me: “Yes?”

User: “I was wondering when I’m going to get the old screen back. I didn’t really need a whole replacement screen; I just wanted that one to be fixed.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I wasn’t clear. The screen I took out is completely dead; it’s not powering on or responding to signal at all. Since these particular screens have no accessible configuration settings and no replaceable parts, the chances that we’ll be able to repair it are very low, and it would probably cost more to have replacement components sent to us than to buy a new unit. Swapping it out for a replacement of the same model is a much faster option.”

User: “Oh, well… Did you try turning it off and turning it back on again?”

(How the tables have turned.)