(A woman was looking intently at our display case of cookies.)
Me: “Can I help you?”
Customer: “What kind of cookies do you have?”
Me: “Well, right now we have lemon-drop and peanut butter chocolate chip.”
Customer: “Oh, I’ll take one of each.”
(I ring her out and she goes on her way. Twenty minutes later I get a phone call.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, I was just in there and I bought a lemon cookie and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie and… MY GOD, I AM ALLERGIC TO NUTS, and I SWEAR I just ate a nut. Are there any nuts in these cookies?”
Me: “Well… the peanut butter chocolate chip ones have peanuts in them.”
Customer: “OH, MY GOD!” *hangs up*
(Only two weeks later I am working again and the same woman walks into my store.)
Customer:*looks at the cookies again* “I’ll take one of those…peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.”
Me: “You realize that those have nuts in them, right?”
Customer: “WHAT?! Well… what about the orange walnut cookies?”
Me: “Those have walnuts in them.”
Customer: “How about the coconut pecan?”
Me: “Yeah, those have pecans in them.”
Customer: “Well, fine. I’ll just have to have one of those white chocolate macadamia cookies then.”
Me: “Look: really, the only cookies that we have right now that DON’T have nuts are the sugar cookies.”
Customer: “Well, those are just too boring. Never mind, then!”
(I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)
Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, [My Name] speaking.”
Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”
Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”
Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”
Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”
Customer: “But what do they mean?”
Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”
Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”
Customer:*on the phone* “My order number is [number].”
Me: “Okay, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”
Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”
Me: “Are you [Customer] of [Street]?”
Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”
Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”
Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”
Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”
Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”
Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”
Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”
Me: “For what, sir?”
Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”
Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”
Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”
Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”
Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*
(I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)
This story is part of our Super-Dumb-Criminals roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!
