(I work at a supplement store, and a customer asked if we had any samples other than what was available at the register.)

Me: “I do have this omega-3 dark chocolate if you’d like to try it. It’s made by a chocolatier instead of a supplement company, and you really can tell.”

Customer: “I love dark chocolate! I’ll try that.”

Me: “Wait… if you can’t have fish for whatever reason, then you can’t have this. The omega-3 in here comes from fish.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I stopped eating meat, but I still eat fish.”

Me: “Well, if you want to get technical about it, fish is meat.”

Customer: *shocked* “REALLY?!”

Me: “…well, it’s not a vegetable.”

(I am working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walks up.)

Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

Me: “What?! Why?!”

Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot… Like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

Me: “…”

Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

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Caller: “I forgot the password for my computer. Can you help?”

Me: “Sure, let me just get your account information and you can enter a new password.”

Caller: *gives me her information*

Me: “Okay, you can enter a new password now.”

Caller: “Okay, done.”

Me: “Well, tha–”

Caller: “S***! I forgot it again!”

(I work in the call center of a major insurance company.)

Customer: “I just received this form… What does it mean?”

Me: “That is letting you know how much interest income you received last year which we reported to the IRS.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the IRS to know!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re legally obligated to report that information to the IRS.”

Customer: “Do you do everything the government tells you to?!”

Me: “Umm… yes?”

(This was before hybrid cars or electric cars were mainstream. A man called about his Lexus that just stopped working after a few days, so we had it towed back to the dealership.)

Customer: “I don’t know what happened; the car just stopped while I was driving, and almost caused an accident because of you people!”

Me: “Okay, let’s take a look.”

(I couldn’t find any obvious issue, and all the free mechanics were giving the car a full once-over, trying to figure out the problem.)

Customer: “I spent tens of thousands on this car! How the h*** can you sell anything that would crap out in two days?!”

(Just then I noticed the gas gauge was on ‘Empty’. I put a little gas in the engine and started it up.)

Customer: “What?! For that amount of money, with the technologies these days, you still need to use gas?!”