Me: “Here is the number. Do you have a pen?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never used one before…”

(An upset customer approaches me, waving around a half-eaten bagel.)

Customer: “Who would put so much butter on a bagel?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Do you seriously think it needs this much butter? Seriously?”

Me: “You want less butter?”

Customer: “The bagel is hot! Butter melts, and it dripped all over my shirt! This is a $50 shirt and it’s ruined! Why would you put so much butter on this? It’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Would you like a refund?”

Customer: “I’d like you to pay for this shirt, is what I want! Who in their right mind puts on so much butter? Does this seem reasonable to you? Seriously! Look at how much butter is on it!”

Me: “Well, you did ask for extra butter, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s ruined my shirt! So who’s going to pay for it? I’m not going to!”

Me: “Let me get our supervisor.”

(The supervisor proceeds to speak kindly to her, smile meekly, nod, and say, “mhmm,” a lot. She then gives the customer a complaint form to fill out. Somewhat calmer, and believing the supervisor was on her side, the customer takes the form and starts walking out.)

Customer: “Well, I’ll try washing the shirt, then, but if the stain doesn’t come out, someone here is going to be paying for this shirt! Seriously! Who actually thinks a bagel needs that much butter?”

This story is part of our Bagel roundup!

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Me: “Can I help you?”

Student: “I can’t find my professor’s office.”

Me: “Do you have an office number?”

Student: “Yeah. It’s 412.”

Me: “Well, that’s just down the hallway.”

Student: “I tried. That’s not his office.”

Me: “Is he a political science professor or a modern languages professor?

Student: “Neither. Geology.”

Me: “Are you sure he’s in this building?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “What building is he in?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Me: “There are lots of buildings on campus.”

Student: “I know.”

Me: “What made you think it was this one?”

Student: “I don’t know…”

(My family and I are at a mall doing some Christmas shopping.)

Dad: “Well, guys, can you think of anything you want for Christmas?”

Mom: “Hey, an Apple Store! I know what I want!”

(She runs in. Knowing that she knows nothing about technology, I run in after her. One of the Apple store attendants is already on her.)

Attendant: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Mom: “Yes, I’d like a Nintendo Wii, please?”

(The attendant gives her a blank stare. I stop dead.)

Attendant: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t sell those here.”

Mom: “No, I understand. It’s the holidays, right?” *leans in close* “I know you have some in the back. I’ll slip you an extra fifty if you sell me the one you’ve been saving for yourself.”

(She gives him a wink, and he looks to me for help. I proceed to drag her out of the store.)

Mom: “What? I know he has some in the back!”

Me: “Just because it’s white and shiny doesn’t mean it was made by Apple!”

This story is part of the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

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(I work as a cashier at a well-known arts and crafts store. This particular day, it is raining very heavily, which is rare in Arizona.)

Customer: *walking over to myself and the other cashier* “Excuse me, it is wet outside. I almost slipped.”

Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am. Are you okay?”

Customer: “Yes, but you need to put a wet floor sign outside so people are aware that it is wet.”

Coworker: “It’s raining, ma’am. I think people know the ground will be wet.”

Customer: “No, they won’t! Because I didn’t!” *storms out the store*