(I’m sitting beside my husband at home when he calls the nearby pizza restaurant to place an order. I can hear the whole exchange. It goes as follows.)

Husband: “Hello, I’d like to place an order for carry-out.”

Employee: “Okay. Is that for delivery?”

Husband: “No, I said, ‘Carry-out.’”

Employee: “What?”

Husband: “CARRY. OUT. You know, I’m going to place my order, go to your store, pay for my food, and CARRY IT OUT WITH ME!”

Employee: “…”

(My husband stares at me in disbelief. I try to whisper to him to tell the employee that it’s take-out, pick-up, or some other variant, but he can’t make out what I’m saying. Finally…)

Employee: “OH! You want to do take-out!”

(Predictably, the rest of the phone call doesn’t go much better.)

Husband: “Okay, so, for the first pizza, it’s your two-topping deal. I’m wondering if I can do double pepperoni for that.”

Employee: “And what do you want for your second topping?”

Husband: “No, listen. I’m asking you if I can do pepperoni for both toppings. So, put extra pepperoni. Lots of it. We want tons of pepperoni on the pizza.”

Employee: “But you get two toppings—”

Husband: *rolling his eyes* “You know what? Fine. Pepperoni and mushroom.”

(Unfortunately, there wasn’t another nearby pizza place we could switch to, so my husband went ahead and completed the order, but we haven’t gone back to that place since. Having worked in pizza myself, I’m not sure what was so difficult for this employee to grasp!)

(A customer is checking out at a self-checkout. She is about to leave when the attendant notices that she didn’t ring up a pair of shoes.)

Attendant: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to pay for those shoes.”

(The woman runs out with her items, leaving behind her $40 cash back. The attendant then tells the manager. The customer calls saying she accidentally left her $40 cash back at the register, and is transferred to the manager.)

Manager: “I can’t help you over the phone. You’ll need to come in and get it.”

Caller: “Can I send my son in?”

Manager: “No, we don’t know who your son is or what he looks like. You’ll have to come in yourself and get it.”

Voice: *in the background of the call* “I guess you’re never getting your money back.”

(The kicker? The shoes she stole were only about $15.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant] by [College]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to place a to-go order.”

Me: “All right.”

(I take the order. When it is ready, I take it to the to-go area. Then, the phone rings.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant] by [College]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, we just came, and there was no one at the to-go area.”

Me: “Oh, I left my station for a few minutes to get y’all’s order. It’s here for whenever you’re ready to pick it up; I shouldn’t be leaving anytime soon.”

Customer: “Well, we’re at the gas station now, so we’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Me: “All right.”

(I don’t leave the station for the next ten minutes. Then, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant] by [College]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Is this the [Restaurant] at [Location at other side of town]?”

Me: *sighs* “No, ma’am; this is the one by [College].”

Customer: “Okay, forget it. I don’t want to drive that far!”

(The order wasn’t claimed, so I had steak for dinner!)

(I do portraits of people’s pets — mostly dogs and cats — though I have done a few other animals, like turtles. My customers are generally very easy to work with, but this one just… I don’t even know.)

Customer: “Hi, I hear you do pet portraits?”

Me: “Yes, indeed, I do! Would you like to purchase one?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a portrait of my dog, Elvis.”

Me: “Sounds good! I can set up an appointment for you pretty much anytime next week. If you would like me to draw Elvis wearing a specific collar or accessory, feel free to bring that in with him, but I have collars and leashes of my own if you’d rather.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t be bringing him in.”

Me: “Um… Well, I don’t generally do house calls, but if Elvis is unable to leave the house, maybe we can work something out?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s not the problem. You see, Elvis is dead. He passed away, oh, about six years ago, now.”

Me: “Oh. Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t do a portrait of a dog that’s no longer with us.”

Customer: “But can’t you just do it from memory?”

Me: “Well, I could maybe if I had known Elvis, but I didn’t, so… No?”

Customer: “Well, that’s a shame. Thanks, anyway!”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

(I honestly have no idea what she had in mind for me to do.)

(A customer comes in for a contact lens appointment. Their last appointment was nearly two years previous. They have an eye infection, so we bill them for a medical treatment visit.)

Customer: “What is this charge here? I wasn’t charged for this last time.”

Me: “Last time, you didn’t have an eye infection. We had to charge you a copay for that because of your medical insurance.”

Customer: “You didn’t ask me before doing all that; you can’t charge me for it.”

Me: “But you did want contact lenses, right?”

Customer: “Obviously.”

Me: “The doctor can’t give them to you until that eye infection is cleared up; that’s why this was a medical visit.”

Customer: “Well, the eye infection was your fault, anyway.”

Me: “Umm, but it was from over-wearing your contacts, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but that’s your fault.”

Me: “Ma’am, you made a three-months supply of contacts last 20 months. I’m quite sure we didn’t recommend you do that.”

Customer: “Well, the contacts are too expensive! I couldn’t afford enough of them.”

Me: “Then, might I recommend you get glasses instead? We have a large selection of frames to choose from.”

Customer: “Glasses make people look stupid.”

Me: *laughs awkwardly, as all the other employees wear glasses, as do I* “Well, actually…”

Customer: “I don’t want glasses; I want contacts, and I’m not going to pay for things I didn’t ask for. If you don’t want people to get eye infections, you need to sell contacts cheaper.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t pay for your visit, we cannot provide you with a prescription for contacts.”

Customer: “That’s just unprofessional!” *pays and then flounces out of office*