Customer: “Hello, I just bought this iPod, and I can’t make it go.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “It won’t go.”

Me: “Okay, how exactly?”

Customer: “IT WON’T GO.”

Me: “Can I see your iPod?”

(The customer takes out iPod Touch and shows it to me. I turn it on and open up Safari.)

Me: “It seems to be working fine.”

(I hand it back to her. She presses the home button multiple times.)

Customer: “How did you do that? It’s not working.”

Me: “Ma’am, what kind of iPod is that?”

Customer: “iPod Touch.”

Me: “Yeah… so, try touching one of the icons on the screen.”

(She does.)

Customer: “OH, MY GOD, THAT IS SO COOL! YOU’RE A GENIUS!”

Me: “Yeah, well.”

This story is part of the Old-Technology roundup!

Read the next Old-Technology roundup story!

Read the Old-Technology roundup!

(I work at an amusement park where they have free unlimited drinks throughout the park, a fact that is posted all over the park.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, how much are your free soft drinks?”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Are you deaf, son?! HOW MUCH ARE YOUR FREE SOFT DRINKS?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I couldn’t hear you and thought you said something stupid. The free drinks are $5 each.”

Customer: “That’s f****** highway robbery! You people should be ashamed!”

Me: “Oh, we are…”

(It’s late at night and a solitary customer pulls up outside and fills her car at the pump. She calmly opens the station’s door and comes inside to pay at the booth, but realizes she left her wallet in the car.)

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! MY WALLET IS IN THE CAR, UNLOCK THIS DOOR!”

Me: “It is unlocked.”

Customer: “But it says you’re closed!”

Me: “What does the other side of the sign say?”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Open, but it says you’re closed!”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Open’ on the other side of the sign?”

Customer: “Look, you…” pauses, then blushes bright red* “… oh.”

Me: “You need some chocolate.”

Customer: *smiles* “Yes, I do.”

This story is part of the Customers-Ignoring-Signs roundup!

Read the next Customers-Ignoring-Signs roundup story!

Read the Customers-Ignoring-Signs roundup!

Me: “Thank you for calling. May I please verify your address and phone number?”

(The caller rattles off an address, including the apartment number.)

Caller: “… that’s why I’m calling. What’s this about a ‘dog’ in my address?”

(I notice her address has the words “DASIN DOG”.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I have no explanation for that. I can certainly remove it. Also, we don’t seem to have your apartment number. Would you mind repeating that for me?”

Caller: “D! D as in Dog!”

Customer: “Hey, all the computers in the store are down.”

Me: “Yep, I can’t ping your servers or anything. Are you in the computer room?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “What’s on your console?”

Customer: “Hang on, let me get a flashlight.”

Me: “A flashlight? Why do you need a flashlight?”

Customer: “We’re in the middle of a power outage.”

Me: “Umm… sir, the computers won’t work without power.”

Customer: “Are you sure? They fixed it last time.”

Me: “Pretty sure… I’ve been doing this a while. How did you lose power?”

Customer: “An elephant stepped on the transformer.”

Me: “An… elephant?”

Customer: “We’re having a parking lot carnival, and an elephant got away from the handler.”

Me: “Ah, yes, I should have known… Those pesky elephants always causing us these problems.”

Customer: “What? Really?”

Me: “Yeah… Call us back when you get your power restored.”

This story is part of the Elephant roundup!

Read the next Elephant roundup story!

Read the Elephant roundup!