(I work in a butcher’s shop.)

Customer: “Do you have… It’s like a dog. But not a dog. It’s chicken!”

Coworker: “…?”

Customer: “It’s long!”

Coworker: *pauses to think* “Chicken sausage?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I’m a chef at a fairly nice restaurant that is known for offering many gluten-free options of bread, pasta, and flour. However, our lentil soup is made with flour that is not gluten-free, which we make clear to our servers. One server, who has been reminded of this multiple times, still doesn’t get it. All our entrees come with a side of soup or salad. So, an order comes back to the kitchen: gluten-free lobster pasta dish with a side cup of lentil soup.)

Me: “Hey, you know this soup isn’t gluten-free, right?”

Server: “Oh, yeah! Because of the lentils, right? I keep forgetting that lentils aren’t gluten-free.”

Me: “Uh, no. We use flour to thicken the soup. We’ve told you this multiple times.”

Server: “Wait. What’s gluten, again?”

Me: “Just go ask your table if they’re okay with soup that’s not gluten-free, or if they just want something else. We can do a lesson on gluten later.”

Server: “Okay, but I totally got this! Don’t worry; I’ll remember that lentils aren’t gluten-free in the future.”

(The customer ended up getting a different soup, which was actually gluten-free.)

(I work for a computer repair internship at my high school; I fix the laptops that the school provides when something breaks. While the students do have “insurance” for a couple free fixes during the year, we don’t charge their insurance if no parts were replaced, for example, a loose connection.)

Student: *walks in with a smashed laptop screen* “So, I think the connection’s loose on the screen.”

Me: “Er… No, it looks like the screen is smashed. Don’t worry; it happens to everyone.”

Student: “So, my insurance isn’t going to be charged?”

Me: “No, it is going to be charged, since I have to replace the screen. But again, don’t worry; if this is your first time putting your laptop in for repair, you’ll still have another free fix if you break it again.”

Student: “But the connection’s loose! I know it!”

Me: “There’s glass falling out of your screen.”

(I am interviewing for a field computer technician job. The job entails servicing customers at their locations. This area of the country gets heavy snowfalls throughout the winter. This is in the mid-1970s, before SUVs become popular, and before all-wheel and four-wheel drive are common on vehicles that aren’t trucks.)

Interviewer: “…and the job comes with a company car!”

Me: “I hope it’s a Jeep!”

Interviewer: “No, that would not fit with the company image. But you could buy your own Jeep, and we’d reimburse you for mileage.”

(I quietly imagine two scenarios. Scenario #1:)

Me: *on the phone to a customer* “Sorry your computer is down, but my Chevy Impala can’t get through the snow. You lose.”

(Scenario #2: People look out the window to see a Jeep, with a company logo on the side, churning up the snow-covered road coming to save the day.)

Me: *thinking, but keeping quiet* “Now, tell me again, which one is in keeping with the company image?”

(I am in a queue for self-service checkout machines in a supermarket I visit frequently. I only have a few items and no cash, so I have my card in hand. I approach an available machine and note the sign saying it is card only. When I scan the first item:)

Machine: “This machine can only accept card payments. Do you wish to continue?”

(I press “yes” and carry on. As I am about to pay, an assistant runs over.)

Assistant: “You can’t use that one!”

Me: “It’s all right; I have my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s card only!”

Me: “I know. I want to use my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s broken.”

Me: “It is?”

Assistant: “Yes, it’s card only!”

Me: “So I… can use my card?”

Assistant: “No, the card machine is broken.”

Me: “So… it’s cash only? Or will it not accept cash or card?”

Assistant: “It’s card only.”

(At this point I give up, turn back to the machine, and pay with my card. As I am leaving, the assistant tries to stop me.)

Assistant: “You have to pay at another till! If you walk out now, you are stealing.”

(I carry on, walking over to the security guard by the door.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could you just look at my receipt before I leave? I wouldn’t want her to accuse me of stealing.”

Guard: “Oh, not again. [Assistant]! If they pay by card, it’s okay! The machine accepts card payments!”