Customer: “Hello, I’m looking to get a handgun like this one.”

(The customer holds up a picture from the movie ‘Wanted’.)

Me: “All righty, we’ll have to order that one for you, but we can have it to you in a few weeks.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I NEED THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK! CAN’T YOU GET ME THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK?!”

Me: “You’ll have to deal with the waiting period, anyway. What exactly do you need it for so quickly?”

Customer: *suddenly calm again* “My friend and I are going to curve a bullet around his head for a YouTube video.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you a gun, then. All you’ll do is kill your buddy and go to jail.”

Customer: “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME THE GUN, OR I’M GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!”

(The manager, who was in the room behind the counter, walks out with a shotgun on his shoulder.)

Manager: “You’re in my store, where I have literally hundreds of guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Are you really that stupid?”

(The customer looks around at the guns like he hadn’t noticed them before, and runs out of the store as my co-worker walks up.)

Coworker: “I love working here.”

(This happened during corn season last year.)

Customer: “Excuse me, how fresh is this corn?”

Me: “It was just picked this morning, so it’s about as fresh as it gets.”

Customer: “Yes, but God knows how long it’s been growing!”

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(A customer walks in with a saxophone case, looking very worried.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to sell my violin, it’s in great condition.”

Me: “Certainly, can I see the violin please?”

Customer: “Yes, sure.”

(At this point he opens up the sax case and places a nearly new tenor sax on the table.)

Me: “Uh, sir, that’s a saxophone, not a violin.”

Customer: “No, no, it’s a violin. I’m sure of it.”

Me: “Sir, I’m telling you it’s a saxophone. A violin has strings, and a bow.”

Customer: “No. It’s a violin. You think I don’t know a violin when I see one?”

(The argument continues in this fashion for another few minutes.)

Me: “Sir, are you still trading this instrument in? We can sort this out later.”

Customer: “…what’s an instrument?”

Me: *facepalm*

(I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

(She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

Me: “Oh, okay, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

Customer: “Without what?”

Me: “Ice.”

Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

Me: “Um… ice cubes.”

(She looks at me blankly.)

Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy… Why is it in my glass?”

Me: “To keep your water cold.”

Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

Me: “…”

(A lady comes in and I hurriedly wipe the table. She eats, finishes, and is about to leave.)

Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

(I go check the bus pans.)

Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

(At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

Customer: “Where did you find them?”

Coworker: “They were on your door…”

Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could be been stolen!”