(I work at a care home. It is my day off when I get a phone call from my manager:)

Manager: “You’re an hour and a half late for work.”

Me: “It’s my day off.”

Manager: “No, it’s not. We switched it with tomorrow. We changed it on the rota in the staff room; didn’t you look?”

Me: “I checked the rota before I left yesterday; it hadn’t changed.”

Manager: “No, we changed it. We changed the rota at nine pm yesterday. You should have known, and now we’ve not been able to cover some of your clients, so people are still in bed; you need to be here to get them up.”

Me: “I left at eight; why did no one ring me earlier if that’s the case?”

Manager: “Erm…” *long pause* “Say, do you think you could do us a huge favour and come into work right now? We’ll give you tomorrow off, instead.”

I am in fourth-year in secondary (high) school. The sixth years — the 17- and 18-year-olds — in our school have their own small kitchen in the school for cooking instant noodles during after-school study, making cups of tea, etc. It doesn’t have an oven or a cooker; there are only small appliances, such as a kettle, a microwave, and a toaster… or, at least, there used to be a toaster.

The story, from what I can recall, begins with us in class. It is a regular old maths lesson and I, as per usual, am daydreaming. All of a sudden, the fire alarm goes off, scaring the bejaysus — “bejesus” with an Irish accent — out of us. We immediately follow the drill of pushing our chairs in, lining up at the door, and filing out onto the sports pitch. I assume it’s just the usual stupidity: someone in the chemistry lab lighting a bunsen burner under the smoke alarm. In fact, this incident took it to a whole new level, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who caused it. One of the sixth years decided to cook a frozen pizza in the toaster. The pizza, of course, caught fire, and subsequently so did the toaster. After having evacuated the entire school and lost roughly 45 minutes of valuable class time — near exam time, no less — it was decided that the sixth years’ toaster would be permanently confiscated.

The story doesn’t end there, however. Our year, the fifth/incoming sixth years, did some things for the sixth years to help them de-stress before their oncoming leaving cert exams, e.g. throwing them a surprise party. At the leavers’ ceremony this week, the head girl announced that, as a thank you, the sixth years had bought our year a toaster as a sort of house-warming — kitchen-warming? — gift, as well as a swing-tennis set. Luckily, I think we’ve all learned the moral of the story: don’t cook non-toastable things in a toaster.

(I work tech support. After standard verification, we ask for the issue.)

User: “I need to unlock my computer.”

Me: “Okay, just give me a minute; this should be a really easy fix.”

(I look at usual tools for unlocks, because that usually means that user’s account is locked.)

Me: “That is strange; I cannot see anything locked there. What is the application you are trying to access?”

User: “It is not an application; my computer is locked.”

Me: “Do you mean that your computer is physically locked?”

User: “Yes.”

Me: “Like in a box with a lock on it?”

User: “Yes, exactly.”

Me: “Did you set some code for it? I would guess it would be something like year of your birth, or something like that.”

User: “No, they gave me that with a code.”

Me: “Give me a moment. I will look for a locksmith in your area.”

(My colleague suggested that user should request blowtorch or sledgehammer.)

(I work for a pet food manufacturer, and we are presently running a competition on one of our foods. Twenty tokens have been placed in bags of food, and if you find a token, you win a hamper. At least 100,000 bags have been released nationwide, with banners on them indicating the competition, and all the rules. All information is very clear and straightforward, yet many people still seem to be confused. These are some of the interactions I have had so far:)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How can I assist you?”

Customer #1: “Hi, I’m calling about that competition you guys are running. I’ve just bought two bags of food, and I haven’t found a token yet. Why haven’t I won?”

Me: “I’m sorry; did you say you have purchased two bags? Ma’am, we have made a very large volume of food that is distributed nationwide, with only twenty tokens available. It may take more time to find a token.”

Customer #1: “Oh… Well, that’s very misleading! I thought I’d win! I wont be supporting your product anymore!”

(Later:)

Customer #2: “Hi, I bought that bag of yours that has the banner about the competition! How do I get my hamper?”

Me: “Oh, that’s great! Did you find a token?”

Customer #2: “Token? What are you talking about? The bag says I get a hamper. Where’s my hamper?”

Me: “You have to find a token inside the bag in order to win.”

(Later:)

Customer #3: “Hi, I see you’re running this competition, and I wanted to find out: will the token be inside the bag, or outside the bag?”

Me: “Uh… It will be inside the bag.”

Customer #3: “That’s great! Thanks!”

(Later:)

Customer #4: “Hi, I’ve bought three bags of food and I haven’t found a token yet. Is your competition over? Why is your company still selling these bags if the competition is over?!”

Me: “Apologies, ma’am, but our competition only began about two weeks ago, so it is still running.”

Customer #4: “THEN WHY HAVEN’T I FOUND A TOKEN YET? I BOUGHT THREE BAGS!”

(Later:)

Customer #5: “Hi there. I think I may have found a token! Is it the same size and color of the food?”

Me: *wondering WHY we would ever make it look like the food* “No, ma’am, it’s very large and noticeable, and has a reference number on it.”

(Later:)

Customer #6: “Good day. I have been buying your product for years; it’s the only food my pet will eat. I see you are running some kind of competition, but I haven’t found a token yet. I think I should be compensated for being such a loyal customer! It’s not fair that I haven’t won yet!”

(We had numerous customers calling, all with the same type of complaint or query. We have yet to have anyone actually call about finding a token.)

(I work in the electronics department of a popular department store. While I am explaining to a couple the differences in our prepaid mobile phone carriers and plans, this question crops up.)

Customer: “So… what carrier is Verizon with?”